With Arundhati Roy’s new novel The Ministry of Utmost Happiness creating the kind of buzz one generally associates with star authors, the future of the publishing scene in South Asia appears vibrant and dynamic. Other than the usual roster of literary stalwarts, new voices from across the region are also making their presence felt in a wide range of genres. According to industry sources, authors from the Republic of Cliftonia are slated to produce some of the most significant work in both fiction and non-fiction this year. 

In a special arrangement with the University of Southern Cliftonia Press and Any Random Penguin in a House Publishing, EOS is pleased to share exclusive excerpts from some of the most anticipated titles of the year. 

The Container of Maladies: Of Politics,
Premiership and Passion
Author: National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr
Genre: Autobiography, International Affairs
Price: $28.99
Pages: 36
Published by: Any Random Penguin in a House Publishing

“Politics has always been an intrinsic part of my DNA. My tribe traces its origins all the way back to Gondwanaland. For the past 4,650 years, my family has been at the forefront of the movement to reunite Gondwanaland. We haven’t succeeded in our mission yet because of all the faults in the system but I am determined to rectify them, continent by continent, by the time the next election comes along.

“For three decades, my reputation in the field of international affairs has been well-known. Experience has taught me how to navigate the rough and choppy seas of exclusive galas, balls and the British tabloid press. At this stage of my life, I find myself devoid of any personal ambition. God has blessed me with everything that I ever wanted. Except that I now want more. I want my people to be led by me … not for any selfish desire but for the fact that I know best. 

“The world is changing. Like me, US President Trump, too, is committed to making his country great again as long as it doesn’t cost him anything. As someone whose political insight rivals my own, he can gauge the challenges his country currently faces. As for us, the million dollar question that we, as Cliftonians, must answer is this: does the corrupt leadership of our republic even know which side our butter is breaded?”

Moonlight in an Orchard of Scented Nectarines
Author: Cliftonia Ali
Genre: Romance, Thriller, Shopping Guide
Price: $21.75
Pages: 257
Published by: Any Random Penguin in a House Publishing

“Rebecca de Chandio opened the door to her boudoir. She was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to retire for the evening. Her day had been long and full of hectic, meaningless activity, the sort that women of her social standing detest with a vengeance and yet crave with a burning passion. She retrieved a pack of Dunhills from her black, $2,150 Balenciaga Classic Croc-Effect City bag and lit up as she settled in her favorite $5,460 Wegner Oculus Chair (available at ChairDezigns on Khabayan-i-Jurnail).

According to industry sources, authors from the Republic of Cliftonia are slated to produce some of the most significant work in both fiction and non-fiction this year.

“‘Why has he not returned my calls?’ she wondered. ‘Ever since CPEC came into our lives, he has become distant and reserved. I realise that the new world order is being written in Mandarin but that doesn’t mean we can’t go out for an occasional Thai. He used to love our weekly visits to Bangkok Town but now it’s as if he never Tom Kha Khai-ed. My aching heart echoes the words of Madame Marco Polo’s suicide note: ‘This *%&$ing Silk Road will be the death of me!’”

Warrior Race: Militarising Global Real Estate for Peace
Author: Gen GHQ
Genre: Military Affairs, Real Estate
Price: $350.99
Pages: 657
Published by: University of Southern Cliftonia Press

“Alexander of Macedon learned a valuable lesson when he ventured into the plains of the Punjab. His army, tired from years of waging wars, was brought close to defeat when it came face to face with the battalions of Raja Porus, a magnificent ruler who not only fought with a ferocity unseen by Alexander but who discussed real estate prices in a thick Jhelum-accented Punjabi.

“Alexander had never forgotten his master Plato’s golden words: ‘Ruin comes when the trader, his heart uplifted by wealth, becomes the ruler.’ Fortunately, we fine officers of the Cliftonian armed forces have steered clear of the habits of vile, ordinary traders and concentrated on building our strength by ensuring that no matter how close the enemy gets to our vitals, land prices of corner plots across the republic must never succumb to unreasonable fluctuation.

“For as the great military strategist and leader Chiang Kai-shek said at the opening of the first Kuomintang Shaadi Hall in Taipei’s Upper East Side: ‘You’ve got to fight for your right … to party!’”

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, June 11th, 2017