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ADVICE: AUNTIE AGNI

Updated May 14, 2017 06:15am

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Dearest Agnipath,
I’ve heard that you provide remedies for love-struck hopeless romantics. Well, I am one of them, and I need a remedy so strong that the guy I like is compelled towards me. He is very handsome, has green eyes, golden brown hair and is tall with an amazing physique.

In short, I want him, but unfortunately I am not beautiful enough for him. I mean, should I have a surgery, or botox or something for him to even notice me? I am spellbound and hopeless. My love life is zero. The only thing I can do is look at him when he is not looking. I think I should die.
Crushed

Dear Love-Struck
Woah! Hold on for a bit. And no you shouldn’t die. How well do you know your crush (yup! It is a little too early to call it love, innit)? Have you considered that your crush may not be all that you have built him up to be in your head?


‘My love life is zero!’


He is very good looking, but he must have flaws too. You need to relax and get to know him a little before deciding this is love. Just so you don’t have any regrets about not trying; try and get to know him better by becoming friends with his friends. If you get the chance try and talk to him to get to know him better. Keep it simple and natural. Don’t try to impress him and just be yourself. The problem with trying to impress people is often you end up looking like a fool and sometimes you even end up lying. You don’t want to look like a fool and lies often get caught, so avoid that route.

Remember, even at this stage you are observing him to see if he is all you have built him up to me. As often happens in such a situation, people’s personalities and their blonde hair do not often live up to the images in our heads. If he is as beautiful on the inside as he seems on the outside, consider becoming friendlier with him to see where it goes.

As for botox and surgery … Auntie believes such procedures only help your self-esteem when you have a healthy self-image to begin with. Botox and surgery will not fill the hole in your heart or the gaps in your personality. For that you have to work on yourself. And there is nothing like being yourself and loving yourself to attract the right person in your life.

Dear Khala,
I’m 20 years old. I was engaged last year in July and got married in December. After our engagement, my fiancé and I never talked except for a few hellos. After we were married, I asked him why he didn’t talk to me and he said that it was to build up mystery and if we talked back then, then we would both know everything about each other and there would be nothing to talk about now (after marriage). I was convinced.

Honestly speaking, however, I had my doubts that something wasn’t right. Ever since our marriage, I have seen him use his phone in a pretty suspicious way: he would put it close to his face, would never let me touch it and when I would ask him what he was doing he’d say ‘nothing’. I’d get the same answer whenever he would be late from work.

He kept telling me that he’s too young and that I am overthinking and should stop doing so. But one day I got my hands on his phone. I knew it was wrong but something made me do it. That’s when I found out that he’s into other girls. He talks to them, on texts and on calls. His phone gallery is full of their pictures. He even asks the girls to send him their pictures and some send them without even asking. He tells me that he’ll be late from work while he’s out meeting them.

I was very upset and told him that I had gone through his phone and I knew what he’d been up to. He lost it. He tried to make excuses and convinced me once again that there’s nothing going on and that they are just his friends from work and university. He sort of stopped until one day I found out that he’s doing it again. This time I didn’t tell him that I have been through his phone but I need to know how I can stop him from doing this.

I think I am depressed and I keep on by thinking that I’m not good enough for him and that this marriage may end soon. We don’t go out much nor does he let me meet my parents for two to three weeks; instead, he tells me to stay at home and spend time with his mother.

He takes care of my needs and does everything that he’s supposed to do financially but what he’s doing negates all his goodness.
Depressed and broken

Dear Stay-Strong-And-Decide,
Chatting with other girls on the phone and getting them to send their pictures without your knowledge is blatant abuse of your trust. I don’t know the content of these text messages to know whether he is actually cheating on you but at the very least what he is doing is borderline cheating. You have a few choices in front of you. You can let things be, you can demand a change, or you can leave your marriage. None of the options are easy.

If you decide to let things be, the message you are sending your husband is that he can do anything and get away with it, because you will put up with it. You can put your foot down and insist that he end his after-work text exchanges with his female colleagues or whoever they are. Tell him you are not comfortable with this and work out a solution with him that will help you rebuild your trust.

If reminding your husband about marriages being built on trust does not work and divorce is not a viable option, you may decide to continue with the marriage as it is. In this case, I insist that you see a therapist to help you feel okay with yourself while he continues doing whatever he is doing.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, May 14th, 2017

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