Two qualities that one never tires of seeing ascribed to the motherland and its accomplished citizens are that we are an extremely resilient nation, and that we just can’t stop oozing with talent no matter how hard the Rothschilds try. It is these very character traits that have made us the envy of the world ever since a young general by the name of Mohammed Bin Qasim landed on these shores many moons ago, without a valid visa stamped on his Umayyad passport.

The recent brouhaha about television programmes — featuring former presidents, current chief ministers and other assorted politicos — on a network that can’t stop exhorting us to speak, has done more than anything to show the world how incredibly resilient we are to put up with such ceaselessly oozy gifts. It is heartening to know that the national response to such offerings has surpassed all expectations and that news networks across the country are scurrying around trying to grab as many eminent names — oblivious of the term conflict-of-interest — as they can who would be willing to host and/or appear in shows based on this new format. 

The grapevine is abuzz with the news that foremost among the shows currently in the pipeline is one that will feature a very senior member of the ruling party as anchor and will focus exclusively on security affairs. Unconfirmed reports suggest that the host’s position is a toss-up between the interior minister and the defence minister, with the prime minister currently weighing both options. The show will focus on the vital issue of protecting oneself and one’s loved ones from the dangers of ‘liberal’ tweets and the long-term diabolical agendas of Facebook’s evil, satirical, non-religious pages. It also promises to devote at least half-a-dozen episodes to Snapchat emojis and their destructive effect on our nation’s psyche. 

Another programme that is garnering an incredible amount of interest from sponsors for the premium quality of its content is one that will be hosted by someone from among the top echelons of our armed forces. Considering that the programme will be anchored by an individual with at least three decades of experience in the field of defence and military affairs, it is but natural that the show will focus on organic farming and the importance therein of good quality fertiliser, as well as on cornflakes and how to gauge their freshness. It will also include a weekly look at fluctuations of the global real estate market and their impact on plots in gated communities all around the country.

"Considering that the programme will be anchored by an individual with at least three decades of experience in the field of defence and military affairs, it is but natural that the show will focus on organic farming and the importance therein of good quality fertiliser, as well as on cornflakes and how to gauge their freshness.

There is talk of a major business channel already having signed the CEO of one of the largest foreign banks in Pakistan to host its show. The corporate head honcho will be deliberating on a wide variety of topics — from merging his acquisitions and financing his equity to the political benefits of loan write-offs as well as the immense potential of privatising the air that we breathe. The CEO-anchor will be discussing the aforementioned with the aid of an Urdu interpreter on account of his being a Grammarian.

Rumours abound that a huge, bigly businessman-politician from the United States (who wishes to remain anonymous but lists his address as 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue) has secretly given his consent to sponsoring the first three seasons of the show, provided it features his entrepreneurial sons and hand-bag-designing daughter at least once every week, especially during the Ramazan transmissions.

Other shows that have got big business fighting over itself to offer sponsorship deals include a weekly programme with the hirsutest head of the most banned extremist outfit in the country speaking on neoliberalism as an integral part of one’s deen, halal fashion and its influence on the late Alexander McQueen, and the financial benefits of owning a trendy online miswak business. 

A much-anticipated programme that goes on air next week features a famous mafia don as its anchor. The unique thing about this production, we are told, is that it will be the first show in the history of South Asian television to be sponsored by its own anchorperson. Also, none of the guests scheduled to appear on the show are likely to disagree with the host considering they know he knows where they live. Topics for the debut episode range from film financing in Bollywood and why the real subaltern will always remain an extra, to political persuasion in three easy (but painful) steps.

As stated at the outset, our Islamic republic is blessed with limitless talent. Everyone of us thinks — nay, is convinced — that not only do we know all but that we know best. And this special ability is now, finally, beginning to make its presence felt on our airwaves with the unwanted regularity of inflamed haemorrhoids.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.

He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, April 2nd, 2017