Dear Khala Jan, I am 26 years old, currently working in a multinational company. My younger sister is 24 years old and is currently doing her Masters. My mom is really concerned about both of us getting married. When it comes to selection from any guy’s family, they always select my younger sister instead of me, though I don’t mind at all. What bothers me is that my sister keeps rejecting the good rishtas by saying that she will not make a suitable spouse for anyone. I hate the fact that she doesn’t want to move on from her bitter past relationship with a guy who toyed with her feelings. Please tell me how to persuade her to start a new life and give herself a chance. I am tired of arguing with her.

P.S. I doubt that she is either hiding something from us or she is being brainwashed by someone.

Distressed Elder Sibling

‘My sister is rejecting all good proposals without a reason’

Dear Respect-Yourself,

The whole rishta process just irks Auntie no end. You are smart, intelligent and educated and probably miles ahead of the women who evaluate your ‘fitness’ for marriage. The problem is that your mother is presenting both the sisters to these rishta aunties. Why are they being given an option? Your mother needs to make it clear to the visiting families as to who they are coming over to see. And you need to stop saying the rejection doesn’t affect you.

The problem is not your sister. She is dealing with her own issues and will get married whenever she feels ready. The problem is your mother’s approach to the situation. She needs to take a more assertive stance and not be bulldozed over by these women. She has to come from a place of pride and strength in this situation. She has raised wonderful daughters, why feel desperate? She should specify who the rishta is coming for and stick by that. Heck! Even get mad if they like the younger sister and are rude enough to tell you. This is marriage and you both are people, not fast-food where one walks in wanting Combo One and settle on Combo Five. It is not the end of the world if you are 24 or 26 and not married. It is very sad and telling of society that with such smart and educated daughters your mother feels anxious about getting her children married. At the end of the day, people will only respect you if you respect yourself.

Dear Auntie,

I am a busy gynaecologist. How do I improve my relationship with my kids and family?

Busy

Dear Working Mom,

You haven’t said anything about how old your children are and what your husband does, so it is a little difficult to reply to you keeping your unique situation in mind. You ask how to improve your relationship with your kids and family but do not specify where a problem or problems may be arising. However, since there are lots of working moms out there who would like to know, here are Auntie’s two cents.

Who is looking after your children while you are out working? Is it the grandparents or some other trusted family member? You need a lot of support to be able to work outside of the home, especially if you are a doctor, a field that requires a lifetime of dedication. Also I hope your husband is supportive of your career. Facebook COO, Sheryl Sandberg, said something that resonated with working women around the world and which I have to share here. She said “The most important career choice you’ll make is who you marry.” If generally the people in your family are supportive of your work and act in a supportive way, your children are less likely to see it as a ‘problem’.

The best way to build a happy relationship with your children is to spend as much time with them as possible and help them stay busy. On weekends and holidays when you are not working, sit down with your children and set down some house rules. Even if you have paid help, get your children to do some of their own work, like making their bed or helping clear up the dining table. Practice doing these things with them. Remember, busier children are happier children. A lot of people mistake this to mean they have to enrol their children in every extracurricular class going, but that is not necessary. Even doing some chores around the house should be enough to keep them busy and in a better mood.

Try to follow a fairly predictable routine. That may not always be possible but try and stick to a schedule most of the time, so the family knows where you are and what you will be doing most of the time. Continue to look for ways to save time that you can spend with your children. Order groceries and clothes online and have them delivered to save time. Use any apps on your phone that can help you stay organised with alerts and get organised. Use Skype and Whatsapp video calls to stay in touch with your kids while you are at work. Shower after your kids go to bed and pack school bags and have your clothes ready the night before, so mornings with your children can be pleasant and less rushed. Hopefully these tips help you. Do any working mothers out there want to share their own tips with the woman who wrote this letter? Suggestions will be welcome!

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, March 26th, 2017