Dear Auntie,

I am a 21-year-old girl who is completing her Bachelors degree. My problem is that my mother has started searching for rishtas for me, but I don’t want to get married or engaged now for at least three years, just because I don’t want to get married so early. I want a life of my own and need to enjoy it. I have dreams and plans of my own and it’s not too late for me to get married. Should I tell my mom to give me some time? Please suggest what should I do?

Confused

Dear Mind-of-your-own,

Do you have an age in mind by which you want to get married? Do you also have a solid plan about what you will do till you reach that age? Do you intend to work, study further or loll away your time? If you don’t have a plan in place, it is time to sit down and get clear on what you consider a marriageable age and what you intend to do till you reach it. If you go to your mother with a plan, you are more likely to get somewhere.

Sit her down and tell her to relax. Your mother may be worried, but you need to remind her that the world is a different place now from when she was growing up and that lot of girls are delaying marriage to pursue other goals and so any potential rishtas will not freak out if you are not 21, or even 25 years old. In fact, single women older than that also find rishtas these days, so at least some of her fears are misplaced.

Remind your mother how important it is to be ready for marriage before you actually do it, especially in an age when everyone has a mind of their own. You certainly do not want to add to the number of people who get married and realise that they just can’t cope.

If you are serious about nipping this rishta hunt in the bud right now, you will have to toughen up and realise that even though you love her, you cannot focus too much on what your mother wants. Also remind her that the ultimate goal should be that you are happy, rather than married too young and resentful.

Do not lose sight of your own happiness and if it upsets her that you want to delay your marriage, tell her that your desire is not an attack on her or a challenge to her and that you are just not ready to take on the responsibility of marriage.  

Salam Auntie,

People usually turn to their most trusted friend to solve their problems and in case of your readers, we turn to you. Now here is the thing, I am the youngest of three siblings and I was told that I am the most laadla (favourite) and loved by all, but I never felt it. See I never had anything of my own.

My brother was allowed to keep a pet dog that my father took care of but when I brought a pet home, he pushed me out of the gate with my pet and locked the doors behind me while he let my brother in with his dog. I was eight years old and standing on a road at 10pm. Now my father may not remember that but I do. My mother never listened to what I had to say and she was never interested to know my grades or what I am doing when I am out at 1.00am. My father sold his bike to buy my elder brother a sports bicycle that he wanted. I had to save money to buy my own, because he refused to buy me one. I wore his old clothes and shoes if he allowed me to. I never had decent shoes to wear and my brother got his favourite sneakers. Now I don’t hate my brother for that as much as I blame my father.

My brother made fun of me in front of our relatives. I don’t blame my brother as much as I blame my relatives for laughing. My brother moved out a couple of years ago and never saw my father or any of the family again and now everyone’s attention is on me. I have a job and buy my mother gold earrings and my father the latest mobiles, despite remembering what they did to me. I still remember everything and I have no affection in my heart for any of my family members. Everyone loves me now and their kids look up to me now, but I remember what everyone did to me when I was a kid. How should I look at my parents and family and not feel hatred for them? How can I forget everything? I am sick of haunted memories. I want to forgive them but how do I? No one have even the slightest of idea that I feel like that.

Inner Haunted House

Dear Bust-the-ghosts,

While you may think you are completely justified in holding a grudge against your family, Auntie hopes you realise that all it is doing is eating you up inside. It is making you miserable and if you don’t control and eradicate it from your system it may lead to a rift with your family. Your grudge is negative energy and the sooner you get it out of your system, the better.

Think about how much unnecessary stress this is causing you, while everyone else around you seems oblivious to your true feeling. For the sake of your own health and peace of mind, could you swallow your pride, be the bigger person here and forgive everyone you think has wronged you? Do you really want to live seething inside like this every day?

If you truly want to heal this situation, and rid yourself of these negative emotions start by stepping into your father’s shoes. Every story has two sides and stepping into his shoes might help you understand why your father acted the way he did. It will also help you get really honest with yourself and examine your own role in worsening the situation. You were a child and it may have been mostly your parents’ fault, but did you also rub them the wrong way at some point? Did you make crazy demands of them? Try putting your judgment of the situation aside and keep in mind that your parents may also have some (maybe very few) valid reasons for what they did.

 Finally how would you like your relationship with your parents to be right now? On the surface of it, it sounds pretty okay to me. They seem to be appreciating your presence in their lives, right now. And you seem to be doing quite well in your life. Do you really want to bring up the negativity and ruin it all? Couldn’t you just understand that your parents are human beings who messed up (don’t we all do that at some point in our lives) and just let it go?

Try writing out your feelings on a piece of paper and then destroying it, if it helps.

Look around you and you will see that there are enough people who have a ‘situation’ in their life. Someone’s boss gets their goat every week. Someone else is unhappily married. Yet another grapples with problem kids. Parents who played favourites, in your situation. Let your ‘story’ bother you and you will never know peace. Truly accept your story, and you will be liberated from it.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to:

auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, March 15th, 2015

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