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Dawkins on Imran

Updated April 06, 2014

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In an alternate world, betrayal by old friends won’t stop Imran Khan and his favourite rock band in their quest for dollar-khors.

Controversial scientist, author, evolutionist and Satanist, Richard Dawkins, announced in London that he is planning to write a book on his now eroded friendship with Pakistani cricketer-turned-politician-turned-turnip, Imran Khan.

Talking to journalists at London’s Heathrow Airport, Dawkins told reporters that the book is mostly about the art of reverse swing bowling that Imran pioneered during his cricketing days. The book will be called Reverse Evolution.

Dawkins’ book will be based on his talks with Imran during the time when he first met him in London in 1880. Imran had been invited by Lord John Windstorm and Lady Windstorm for dinner at their luxurious and ghost-infested castle in suburban London.

‘Imran was a very charming young lad then,’ Dawkins told media personnel. ‘I particularly fancied his Duran Duran hair-cut and his extensive knowledge of London’s finest milk bars’.

Dawkins and Imran recently experienced an acrimonious fall-out when Imran refused to attend a Duran Duran reunion concert in Mumbai in which Dawkins was also invited to perform a live human sacrificial ritual on stage to summon the devil.

Talking on the phone from Pakistan’s capital, Islamabad, Imran told this correspondent that he couldn’t even imagine sharing the same stage with a devil worshipper like Richard Dawkins. He said this while sharing a stage with some very evil looking hairy men.

‘Ever since I retired from cricket, I have been relentlessly working towards eradicating devil worship in Pakistan,’ Imran explained. ‘I was planning to invite Duran Duran to perform at my rally in Mandi Bahauddin, but I am disappointed that they have allowed a Satanist like Dawkins to attend their concert. I have now invited a local pop band, Hunky Guerrilla & His Misunderstood Brothers, to the rally.’

When asked by this reporter about the controversial songs of the said band in which it propagates hatred towards the armed forces, certain Muslim sects and religious minorities, Imran said that the songs actually only propagate hatred towards bad people: ‘You know, dollar khors, US agents, liberal scum and killers of endangered elephants’.

He added: ‘They (the band) are actually a great bunch of people’, Imran said. ‘Very patriotic but misunderstood. Their latest single, Let’s roll some heads and play football, y’all is pretty awesome.’

Imran says that he had never met Dawkins and that Dawkins was lying about the talks they had about reverse swing bowling.

‘The time Dawkins claims I was with him at Lord Windstorm’s castle, I was actually competing in the annual Riyadh Marathon that is held to counter the effects on the Ummah of the Zionist Boston Marathon,’ Imran claimed.

Dawkins, however, rubbished Imran’s assertion. While taking a swig of goat’s blood from a human skull and letting out a burst of evil laugher, ‘Buhahahaha’, Dawkins said: ‘Immy was there at the castle enjoying a jug of skimmed milk and talking about the art of reverse swing with the Windstorms’.

‘Nonsense!’ Said Imran when told about Dawkins claim. ‘It was whole-milk and not at all skimmed.’

Imran added that though Dawkins was quick to insult his enthusiasm for white magic, could he ever afford to ridicule the fairytale stories about the Holocaust of the Amazonian people?

In an interview he gave to famous Red Indian TV anchor, Barkha Two Horse Power Dutt, Imran said: ‘This does not mean that I am a Holocaust denier. I like the Amazonians because they like white magic too. All I am suggesting is that just because the Amazonians have influence in Hollywood and like to finance one-dimensional and biased flicks about those who do not run the Boston Marathon, Dawkins will never even think of ridiculing them in his books’.

Furthermore, Imran also contradicted Dawkins’ claims by confessing that it was not he who was the pioneer of reverse swing, but former Pakistani cricketer and Boston Marathon enthusiast, Sarfraz Nawaz.

‘Dawkins should know this because Sarfraz too became a devil worshipper,’ Imran said.

But Dawkins has continued to insist that he did meet Imran and that they had long conversations about reverse swing bowling, the need for neutral umpires, Duran Duran’s music and puffy hairstyles, and Lady Windstorm’s inexplicable admiration for Ian Botham’s flabby waistline.

Dawkins, while sticking pins in a voodoo doll that uncannily looked like an 1880’s version of Imran, said: ‘Imran also met former Libyan dictator, Colonel Qadhafi, at the Windstorms’ castle. In fact, Qadhafi offered him $10 million to work as his double’.

Imran admits that Qadhafi made the offer, but says that the offer was not made at the Windstorms’ castle, but during the Riyadh Marathon, in which Qadhafi was also running.

‘You can ask the camel that accompanied Qadhafi when he came to meet me at my tent there,’ Imran said.

When some media personnel travelled to Saudi Arabia to meet the camel, they were told that the camel had been executed in 1987 by Saudi authorities for showing affection to a female camel in public.

In fact, only recently in Saudi Arabia, almost 200 female camels were executed after they were accused of pulling their own carts.

In Pakistan, Hunky Guerrilla & His Misunderstood Brothers have planned to hold peaceful anti-Dawkins concerts and will release a song to raise funds for Imran’s crusade against black magic and the theory of evolution. The song is called Burn them monkeys, y’all.

In Britain, notorious Pakistani sorcerer, Altaf Jadoogar, who was implicated by the Scotland Yard for his role in the assassination of Prince Charles’s favorite horse, Nigel, has vowed to back Dawkins claims by helping him turn his book into a Bollywood blockbuster.

Whereas members of Duran Duran have repented and announced that they want nothing to do with Dawkins anymore. In fact, they are said to have decided to give up music and help Imran raise enough dollars in the US to hunt down dollar khors in Pakistan.