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It all began with the birth of Mr. Abdul Group in Panipat, India, in 1857 AD. His father was a humble farmer and his mother made great tasting lassi for a living. His father, Junaid Group, fell ill when he was bitten by a hoard of Amreekan Sundis that attacked his meagre wheat crop. Even his mother, Rubina Groupie, and her great tasting lassi couldn’t do much to heal her husband’s wounds. enter image description here

The episode saw a very young Abdul Group moving out of his mud house to look for work. He first joined the East India Tea Company as a cook, where he eventually formed his own faction of the East Indian Tea Worker’s Union (Abdul Group). He was the only member.

However, the union was persecuted by the British and, of course, Lord Asif Ali Zardari. Now jobless and poverty-stricken, Abdul Group became a roving gigolo.

He was saved from this immoral activity by scholar, reformer and part-time Santa, Sir Syed Ahmed Khan. He made Abdul Group join the Aligarh College where he enrolled himself in the college’s Philosophy Department.

There, he studied the works of Nietzsche, Rousseau, Marx, and Mogambo. But before he could actually begin taking any classes at the college, he formed his own faction of the Aligarh Muslim Students Federation (Abdul Group). He was the only member.

Arrested for holding a protest rally against the British and teaching the philosophy of Mogambo, Abdul Group left the college and joined the Indian National Congress. But just 2.5 minutes after joining, he formed his own faction, the Indian National Congress (Abdul Group). He was the only member.

Haunted by the memories of studying the works of Mogambo, Mr. Abdul Group took to drinking and became a bum. He was helped to quit the evils of whisky by a kind, tolerant, and benevolent Buddhist monk, Bal Thakray.

enter image description here Thakray taught Abdul Group the finer points of faith, peace, meditation and the wonders of having one’s own skull collection. He also showed Abdul Group a photo of some ordinary guy sitting on a chair and having tea. Just why he did that is not known, but it somehow made Abdul Group join the All India Muslim League.

However, a mere two seconds after joining, he formed his own faction, All India Muslim League (Abdul Group). He was the only member.

It was here that he started to read the works of the founder and chief of the Jamat-e-Islami, Charles Darwin.

He also studied the speeches of Abraham Lincoln and, for a while, formed the Republican Party (Abdul Group), until he was told that Lincoln had been assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald. Hearing this, Abdul Group broke down in tears and in utter disillusionment formed a faction against his own faction. He called it All India Muslim League (Abdul Group-The Sequel).

After forming a faction against his own faction, he stormed out of the party meeting in which he himself was the speaker as well as the audience.

After announcing the party’s manifesto – that had something to do with Mogambo, jihad, and that photo of a guy sitting on a chair and having tea – he protested (as the audience), saying the party should stand for jihad, faith, and upholstery. He disagreed (as the speaker), but insisted (as the audience), and eventually stormed out (as the press), announcing to himself (as the speaker/audience/press) the end of All India Muslim League (Jamshed Group-The Sequel).

Then for about four years Jamshed Group vanished. It is believed that between 1943 and 1947 he converted to Jainism and travelled to Somalia in search of the Dalai Lama. enter image description here In 1954 Mr. Abdul Group travelled to the newly formed country of Pakistan. While deeply studying the philosophical and literary works of Inzamamul Haq, Abdul Group decided to reform Muslim League (Abdul Group).

He then travelled to Lahore and announced that the Muslims of India need their own country. It was here that someone hit him over the head with a birthday balloon and told him that the Muslims of the subcontinent already had their own country since 1947, you stupid punk!

Sensing a conspiracy against Muslim League (Abdul Group), he started to drink heavily again. He became an alcoholic, roaming almost half naked in the streets of Sialkot until he was rescued by the distant cousin of Mehmood Ghaznavi, Orio Maqbool Biscuit, and Harun Yahya’s renegade nephew and famous witch doctor Dr. Danish Kaddu (aka Voodoo Master Sonic Boom Mambata).

Orio first got him to join the Pakistan chapter of the Alcoholic Anonymous Association, but within a day of joining, Abdul Group created his own faction, the Alcoholic Anonymous Association (Abdul Group).

After firing himself from his own Alcoholic Anonymous faction, Mr. Abdul Group moved in with Orio and Dr. Kaddu in their bunker. Just why they were living in a bunker is not known, but some people believe that they were sure Doomsday was just round the corner, and anybody who disagreed was on the payroll of RAW, or having a torrid affair with Asif Ali Zardari, who they believed was actually a malevolent jinn.

But soon, both Orio and kaddu kicked Abdul Group out because due to him they couldn’t get their US visas. They were really looking forward to visiting Disney Land.

In depression, Mr. Abdul Group went for a walk on the roads of Rawalpindi and ended up at a rally being held by the then Pakistani Prime Minister, Burt Lancaster.

In that rally, according to hysteric Pakistani historian, Zidee Hamid, an alien, most probably a Plutonian Freemason, took out a pistol and shot dead the PM and put the blame on another guy who was killed by the crowd. enter image description here

Inspired by the scene, Abdul Group re-reformed his own faction of the PML and proclaimed himself to be the new PM of Pakistan.

He got his pictures taken (in suits, Bermudas and fine bikinis), and had them mailed all over Pakistan, even though nobody took him seriously.

One such picture also reached JI chief, Charles Darwin. He immediately accused Abdul Group of being an Ahmadi. He issued a fatwa that accused Abdul Group of being a heretic. It also called Abdul Group a punk. Abdul Group then hid for 25 years, and only remerged in 1980. At once he proclaimed that he was Cat Stevens (abdul Gene), and joined Gulbaddin Hekmatyar’s mujahideen force. Within minutes after joining, he formed his own faction, Mujahideen (Abdul Group), and headed for Afghanistan to fight the atheistic Soviet forces.

However, instead of Afghanistan, he mistakenly entered a coastal village in Pakistan and killed a dozen fishermen, calling them ‘Marxist sharks.’ When told that he had to kill the Soviets, Abdul Group apologised and claimed that he was mislead by a group of Chinese Christians. enter image description here

He asked the fair, benevolent, and just dictatorship of General Zia-ul-Haq to hang all the Christians of Pakistan, even though for a while he formed his own faction of the Pakistan Christian Party, the PCP (Abdul Group).

Excited by his meeting with the fair, benevolent and just Haq, Abdul Group is said to have blasted a dozen rapid-fire burps in celebration, joined in by Haq who’d just had the Constitution of Pakistan for dinner. For a day or so, Zia and Abdul Group formed PML (The Burp Group), until Abdul decided to let loose that one extra burp so that he could form his own faction, the PML (Abdul’s Burp Group).

Heartbroken, Zia had to roam the streets of Lahore to find new partners, three of them being Mian Nawaz Sharif, General Hamid Gul, and a scruffy young baby bunny called Sangsar Abbasi.

Oh, what a wonderful time it was for Abdul Group and Pakistan under the kind and visionary Zia regime. Nawaz, Gul, the baby bunny, and Zia sang and danced, laughed and ran in slow-motion on the beaches of Normandy, spreading the seeds of love, brotherhood, peace, and nuclear waste. It was just too good to last. On August 17, 1988, Zia met with an accident while paragliding with his old pal, Shatrughan Sinha over the Tora Bora Mountains in Switzerland. Both had had a bit too much Red Bull to drink that day that failed to give them wings. enter image description here Zia’s protégés, Mian Nawaz Sharif, Hamid Gul, and the baby bunny cried foul and blamed Bilawal Bhutto Zardari Bhutto Zardari for Zia’s demise even though Bilawal wasn’t even born yet.

As it turned out, it was Abdul Group’s idea to blame the still-to-be-born Bilawal Bhutto Zardari Bhutto Zardari after he was refused a PPP ticket by his old philosophical nemesis, Mogambo, for the 1988 election. Abdul Group joined the ISI instead, and right away formed his own ISI wing, ISI (Abdul Group). He was the only member.

His faction was handed the charge of training future TV anchors and newspaper reporters in the art of derailing democracy in the name of democracy and abusing the freedom of the press in the name of the freedom of the press.

Abdul Group rejoiced when General Pervez Musharraf toppled democracy and imposed another very kind and humane martial law. But just at this moment, Abdul Group re-re-reformed PML (Abdul Group), and started opposing Musharraf.

Abdul Group then unleashed his TV anchors and reporters who said they were working for democracy, and when Musharraf quit, it was discovered that they had actually been working for Maria B.

He stormed out of his own PML faction and joined Islamist insurgents in the North West of Pakistan. As expected he formed his own faction.

He claimed that he was fighting a just war against India, America, Israel, and Ghana, and wanted to impose Shariah law in Pakistan and the Antarctica.

When asked why Antarctica, Abdul Group said, ‘why not?’ This made everybody smile, until Abdul Group decided to blow himself up in public, but failed to do so because a fortnight ago he had traded his dynamite for year’s supply of McDonald’s Big Macs, which he then enjoyed with Ali Azmat while watching Madonna’s new video and cursing American imperialism.

enter image description here

Abdul Group failed to get a ticket from all the major political parties to contest the 2013 election. So he joined Jibran Can’t’s Pakistan Tehreek-i-Teletubbies. He announced this during a protest dharna the PTiT held in Karachi’s biggest slum area, Clifton.

enter image description here

The party was protesting against the torture the poverty-stricken Karachiites of Clifton had suffered for years from being forced to listen to the singing of Muttahida Quantum Movement leader, Altaf Bro.

enter image description here

And then, one fine day, Abdul Group found his name on the Exit Control List along with Musharraf’s. He at once drew out his own list, ECL (Abdul’s List). He arrested and jailed himself, then escaped to the Seychelles Island, came back and made a dramatic appearance on Hamida Mehrunisa’s talk show, Capital Punishment, on which he accused Bilawal Bhutto’s still-to-be-born children and Altaf Bro for implicating him in a false case.

enter image description here

When asked by Hamida what that case was, he said, it was a bad case of the flu. ‘But mind you,’ he said. ‘Flu (Abdul Group).’ He was the only patient.

Author Image

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and He is also the author of two books on the social history of Pakistan, End of the Past and The Pakistan Anti-Hero.

He tweets @NadeemfParacha

The views expressed by this writer and commenters below do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

Comments (62) Closed

Arsalan May 21, 2013 01:00pm

Though i haven't yet gone through the blog but i m glad atleadt NFP has updated his photograph :) May 21, 2013 01:39pm

u rock man

Parvez May 21, 2013 02:38pm

When my six year old granddaughter asks me a riddle.........two minutes later I land up asking for a hint. I'm in the same predicament would kind soul please come to my rescue.

Capt C M Khan May 21, 2013 02:41pm

The part I liked most was of Imran addressing the youth in Clifton Slums. Hilarious.NFP

Ali Gohar May 21, 2013 02:49pm

An awesome piece, depicting the truth and reality, in an amazingly sarcastic way. For indeed this is what has been happening in our political circles, everyone making his own faction in each and everything possible. Bravo N.F Paracha ..

yawar May 21, 2013 02:58pm

Loved it. You, sir, remain to be the king of satire in Pakistan.

Fahad Arshad May 21, 2013 03:00pm

nope, no laughters, not even a smile.

Maliha May 21, 2013 03:13pm

Madness... Although i enjoyed some parts of it...!

Ahmad NAzir Ahmad May 21, 2013 04:30pm

Simply AMAZING...

Imran A Khan May 21, 2013 04:35pm

Wicked Stuff Mr Paracha !! Wicked as always "Orio and kaddu kicked Abdul Group out because due to him they couldn

Blu May 21, 2013 04:53pm

Hilarious ! Rib-tickling piece . Thanks for the laughs.

Atif May 21, 2013 06:10pm

Even though I am a PTI fan .. But man that PTI rally at Clifton LOOOOOOOOL

Umer May 21, 2013 06:33pm

ROFLMAO......Simply awesome.

raw is war May 21, 2013 08:45pm


Maanav2506 May 21, 2013 08:51pm

There, he studied the works of Nietzsche, Rousseau, Marx, and Mogambo - Howlarious!!!

UlHaq May 21, 2013 08:54pm

Simply brilliant, NFP!!

Trishule May 21, 2013 09:15pm

Only if Pakistani Army could develop such a sense of humor!

Parvez May 21, 2013 10:55pm

@Parvez: Either we have no kind souls left in Pakistan........which is a possibility, or one really understood what NFP was rabbiting on about.

TKhan May 21, 2013 11:46pm

I have been reading this since 6:00 AM Chicago time. I understand the words NFP wrote; but can't find the meanings I want. I am sure I will be able to decipher it all by 4th of July. Unless someone comes my rescue sooner.

Oh I am Lost and Found, Oh I am lost and Found!

Khan May 21, 2013 11:55pm

Too good... "His faction was handed the charge of training future TV anchors and newspaper reporters in the art of derailing democracy in the name of democracy and abusing the freedom of the press in the name of the freedom of the press."

Khan May 21, 2013 11:55pm

Seriously dude, you articles are getting lame and repetitive.

sane voice May 21, 2013 11:57pm

Am I the only one left wondering, what the heck is the point of this article?

Jaideep May 22, 2013 12:44am

I loved Altaf Bro (Rajni sir)

Ratkiia May 22, 2013 02:37am

Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth and not by Lee Harvey Oswald as stated in the article :)

Najam May 22, 2013 04:07am

acha hai. yaar teletubbies nay kiya bigarra hai. hur aik teletubbies kay peechay para hai. They are all things to everyone.

Mir Murtaza May 22, 2013 04:18am

simply awesome ! laughing hysterically ! amazing hahahahahahah

Shahid LATIF May 22, 2013 05:42am

If you can not come up with a worthwhile piece, you need not write. If you want to say something but do not have the courage, that is understandable.

TJHolmes May 22, 2013 06:22am

It is gibberish at best! NFP you have lost the plot and are overdoing the satire.

SC May 22, 2013 07:40am

this is nonsense.... if the author is trying to be satirical, he is failing miserably. there is no rhyme or reason to this. awful. awful. awful writing. go read some english newspapers and novels and this may help your writing a bit. makes me wonder are pakistanis just stupid that this kind of writing can make it into the national newspaper? please Mr. Paracha, go take some english language composition and comprehension classes. your writing is just plain awful.

Balwanjee May 22, 2013 08:26am

It is wonderful blank verses, abstract and symbolic expression.

Suleman May 22, 2013 09:02am

"joined in by Haq who

Murad Malik May 22, 2013 09:33am

@sane voice: totally agree...wut was this stupidity..Please Dawn, you are way too reputable to be publishing such nonsense.

Murad Malik May 22, 2013 09:34am


afad May 22, 2013 10:30am

this new site is absolutely useless. Bring back the old one. This beta site sucks.

Anas Tanveer May 22, 2013 11:18am

Treat to read.. sarcasm at it's best as always. Actually explained the mentality of being unique among the like minded.

Nasir Saeed May 22, 2013 11:23am

Mr Paracha, Sir, you have an amazing ability to jumble up words. Please carry on writing the way you already do. Made my day. :)

Sandy May 22, 2013 11:53am

There's a lot of rubbish on the internet but this article comes out trumps - couldn't write a worse article. I am baffled as to who is the bigger fool here the writer or the publisher or could it be us readers !!

Wasif May 22, 2013 12:31pm

Well the story continues like this ... Abdul Paracha (Abdul Group) was really shocked at the PPP's performance in the 2013 national assembly elections, which by the way Abdul had predicted and was secretly hoping for as well; though the reasons for Abdul's 'predictions' and 'hoping' are not exactly known. It took about a three or four days for Abdul's state of shock to mutate into bewilderment and Abdul restyled his old faction of Cafe Black to a new faction All Pakistan Paracha Penchant: APPP (Abdul Group) and started writing news blogs in the oldest English daily (website) of Pakistan which was set up at the eve of proclamation of the two nation theory to support the cause of nazariya-e-pakistan. However, Abdul was able to outdo himself this time around; history bears testament to Abdul's incredible achievement in always finding the solitary following for his factions, however, this time when Abdul finished his master piece he refused to become the member of All Pakistan Paracha Penchant: APPP (Abdul Group).

vijay May 22, 2013 12:51pm

For a moment it seemed , that NFP was trying his hand at black comedy/dark humour. But it isn't that. I cannot understand. Can somebody give me a clue?

Asif Kashmiri May 22, 2013 01:15pm

Excellent Article. WELL DONE

Ashkhan May 22, 2013 03:04pm

A great piece; true reflection of the mindset of Pakistani politicians, loved the sarcasm, keep up the good work. May you brain keep churning till end of time.

Anees May 22, 2013 03:36pm

I wonder how long Dawn News will continue to publish such rubbish as this article. But, then, all his articles are like that.

Krish Chennai May 22, 2013 03:45pm

Shatrugan Sinha is hale and hearty, Red Bull or no, even if both of them ( he and Zia ) jumped together over the Swiss Alps. Besides Shotgun, ( as he was known those days ) used to come on advertisements for Bagpiper whisky, which he discontinued after some criticism. As for the Rajini Sir part, the words could have read as "Mind It", instead of "mind you".

krishnan May 22, 2013 04:51pm

NFP, thanks for bringing Rajnikanth in Pakistan :) as Altaf Bro. must be a new role for Rajni too :)

Agha May 22, 2013 06:38pm

Its a great way to express whatever u wanna......but a nice history of wague politics in Pakistan...specially blaming on someone who has no any role at all.....Gud one I got a good reading after a long time..

mehmood bhanji May 22, 2013 08:13pm

Immensely enjoy your column, maybe another CoWASJEE.

hindhusthani May 22, 2013 08:47pm

To use of those Indian people photo better to use The DAWN Editor & Sub and their journalists photos for Add Dawn? Why not ? ?

Chaman May 22, 2013 09:07pm

Humorously illustrated state of the many confused minds in Pakistan, about their identity crisis and uncertain views of life, societal norms and politics.

Chaman May 22, 2013 09:09pm

Excellent illustration of the identity crisis in Pakistan. Well put NFP

dushyant May 22, 2013 09:39pm

The best one is - "I now pronounce myself to be a drill machine.....". LoL. U made my day.

adithan May 22, 2013 10:05pm

vijay: from bengaluru - I am lost nadeem - dont follow ur thread - will read it again - and may be yet one more time- Glad u bring in an indian link - we are all the same mixed up bunch = a tamil and a khasi- wow But no such hard sarcasm herein india - commercialised - the opinions are so conservative - welcome - hope u write on my scene shivashambo

Shubs May 22, 2013 10:46pm

Nadeem, you need to step out of the 80s and watch some new Indian movies. Your Bollywood references need to get updated mate.

hardik May 23, 2013 12:18am

Rare combination of wild and intelligent sarcasm together.

Would have loved more... if its little shorten & less usage of difficult words.. though I improved little on my vocab...

BTW, I am a Hindu, Indian, would love to read something similar on Anil Group...

AK May 23, 2013 02:20am

One of the worst articles from NFP. It reminds me of Indian and Pakistani dramas where the story that could be told in 30 minuts drags on for months and years. Hardly any substance, all fluff.

GJC May 23, 2013 11:42am

I want time to turn back so that I can recover the minutes I spent reading this thing.

manish May 23, 2013 07:08pm

"His faction was handed the charge of training future TV anchors and newspaper reporters in the art of derailing democracy in the name of democracy and abusing the freedom of the press in the name of the freedom of the press"..............This is true for all the developing countries....great article.........keep it up

ali May 23, 2013 10:28pm

Dear Nadeem,

you really need some help , may God bless you

Muhammad Umar Khan May 24, 2013 12:09am

Mr Nadeem F Paracha i really like your posts. the way you potray people and their effort its really funny and knowledgeable . last time i read your chinese desi chicken corn soup made by Pakistani and really liked it. and also what you wrote about mr m ,f rehman. this time i think you have over done it or may be you are some what scared of m*m thats why you were not so clear about their history .well i have great expectation of you sir and hope you clearly write next time . your fan M.Umar Khan

M.T.Hasan May 24, 2013 03:02am

Wicked !

Ahmed May 24, 2013 10:31am

After reading this abdul group made his own faction NFP abdul group

Ahmed May 24, 2013 10:29am

After reading this abdul group made his own faction NFP abdul group

Ahmed May 24, 2013 10:30am

After reading this abdul group made his own faction NFP abdul group