Alert Sign Dear reader, online ads enable us to deliver the journalism you value. Please support us by taking a moment to turn off Adblock on

Alert Sign Dear reader, please upgrade to the latest version of IE to have a better reading experience


Cafe Black: History of factional politics in Pakistan

Updated May 21, 2013

It all began with the birth of Mr. Abdul Group in Panipat, India, in 1857 AD. His father was a humble farmer and his mother made great tasting lassi for a living. His father, Junaid Group, fell ill when he was bitten by a hoard of Amreekan Sundis that attacked his meagre wheat crop. Even his mother, Rubina Groupie, and her great tasting lassi couldn’t do much to heal her husband’s wounds. enter image description here

The episode saw a very young Abdul Group moving out of his mud house to look for work. He first joined the East India Tea Company as a cook, where he eventually formed his own faction of the East Indian Tea Worker’s Union (Abdul Group). He was the only member.

However, the union was persecuted by the British and, of course, Lord Asif Ali Zardari. Now jobless and poverty-stricken, Abdul Group became a roving gigolo.

He was saved from this immoral activity by scholar, reformer and part-time Santa, Sir Syed Ahmed Khan. He made Abdul Group join the Aligarh College where he enrolled himself in the college’s Philosophy Department.

There, he studied the works of Nietzsche, Rousseau, Marx, and Mogambo. But before he could actually begin taking any classes at the college, he formed his own faction of the Aligarh Muslim Students Federation (Abdul Group). He was the only member.

Arrested for holding a protest rally against the British and teaching the philosophy of Mogambo, Abdul Group left the college and joined the Indian National Congress. But just 2.5 minutes after joining, he formed his own faction, the Indian National Congress (Abdul Group). He was the only member.

Haunted by the memories of studying the works of Mogambo, Mr. Abdul Group took to drinking and became a bum. He was helped to quit the evils of whisky by a kind, tolerant, and benevolent Buddhist monk, Bal Thakray.

enter image description here Thakray taught Abdul Group the finer points of faith, peace, meditation and the wonders of having one’s own skull collection. He also showed Abdul Group a photo of some ordinary guy sitting on a chair and having tea. Just why he did that is not known, but it somehow made Abdul Group join the All India Muslim League.

However, a mere two seconds after joining, he formed his own faction, All India Muslim League (Abdul Group). He was the only member.

It was here that he started to read the works of the founder and chief of the Jamat-e-Islami, Charles Darwin.

He also studied the speeches of Abraham Lincoln and, for a while, formed the Republican Party (Abdul Group), until he was told that Lincoln had been assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald. Hearing this, Abdul Group broke down in tears and in utter disillusionment formed a faction against his own faction. He called it All India Muslim League (Abdul Group-The Sequel).

After forming a faction against his own faction, he stormed out of the party meeting in which he himself was the speaker as well as the audience.

After announcing the party’s manifesto – that had something to do with Mogambo, jihad, and that photo of a guy sitting on a chair and having tea – he protested (as the audience), saying the party should stand for jihad, faith, and upholstery. He disagreed (as the speaker), but insisted (as the audience), and eventually stormed out (as the press), announcing to himself (as the speaker/audience/press) the end of All India Muslim League (Jamshed Group-The Sequel).

Then for about four years Jamshed Group vanished. It is believed that between 1943 and 1947 he converted to Jainism and travelled to Somalia in search of the Dalai Lama. enter image description here In 1954 Mr. Abdul Group travelled to the newly formed country of Pakistan. While deeply studying the philosophical and literary works of Inzamamul Haq, Abdul Group decided to reform Muslim League (Abdul Group).

He then travelled to Lahore and announced that the Muslims of India need their own country. It was here that someone hit him over the head with a birthday balloon and told him that the Muslims of the subcontinent already had their own country since 1947, you stupid punk!

Sensing a conspiracy against Muslim League (Abdul Group), he started to drink heavily again. He became an alcoholic, roaming almost half naked in the streets of Sialkot until he was rescued by the distant cousin of Mehmood Ghaznavi, Orio Maqbool Biscuit, and Harun Yahya’s renegade nephew and famous witch doctor Dr. Danish Kaddu (aka Voodoo Master Sonic Boom Mambata).

Orio first got him to join the Pakistan chapter of the Alcoholic Anonymous Association, but within a day of joining, Abdul Group created his own faction, the Alcoholic Anonymous Association (Abdul Group).

After firing himself from his own Alcoholic Anonymous faction, Mr. Abdul Group moved in with Orio and Dr. Kaddu in their bunker. Just why they were living in a bunker is not known, but some people believe that they were sure Doomsday was just round the corner, and anybody who disagreed was on the payroll of RAW, or having a torrid affair with Asif Ali Zardari, who they believed was actually a malevolent jinn.

But soon, both Orio and kaddu kicked Abdul Group out because due to him they couldn’t get their US visas. They were really looking forward to visiting Disney Land.

In depression, Mr. Abdul Group went for a walk on the roads of Rawalpindi and ended up at a rally being held by the then Pakistani Prime Minister, Burt Lancaster.

In that rally, according to hysteric Pakistani historian, Zidee Hamid, an alien, most probably a Plutonian Freemason, took out a pistol and shot dead the PM and put the blame on another guy who was killed by the crowd. enter image description here

Inspired by the scene, Abdul Group re-reformed his own faction of the PML and proclaimed himself to be the new PM of Pakistan.

He got his pictures taken (in suits, Bermudas and fine bikinis), and had them mailed all over Pakistan, even though nobody took him seriously.

One such picture also reached JI chief, Charles Darwin. He immediately accused Abdul Group of being an Ahmadi. He issued a fatwa that accused Abdul Group of being a heretic. It also called Abdul Group a punk. Abdul Group then hid for 25 years, and only remerged in 1980. At once he proclaimed that he was Cat Stevens (abdul Gene), and joined Gulbaddin Hekmatyar’s mujahideen force. Within minutes after joining, he formed his own faction, Mujahideen (Abdul Group), and headed for Afghanistan to fight the atheistic Soviet forces.

However, instead of Afghanistan, he mistakenly entered a coastal village in Pakistan and killed a dozen fishermen, calling them ‘Marxist sharks.’ When told that he had to kill the Soviets, Abdul Group apologised and claimed that he was mislead by a group of Chinese Christians. enter image description here

He asked the fair, benevolent, and just dictatorship of General Zia-ul-Haq to hang all the Christians of Pakistan, even though for a while he formed his own faction of the Pakistan Christian Party, the PCP (Abdul Group).

Excited by his meeting with the fair, benevolent and just Haq, Abdul Group is said to have blasted a dozen rapid-fire burps in celebration, joined in by Haq who’d just had the Constitution of Pakistan for dinner. For a day or so, Zia and Abdul Group formed PML (The Burp Group), until Abdul decided to let loose that one extra burp so that he could form his own faction, the PML (Abdul’s Burp Group).

Heartbroken, Zia had to roam the streets of Lahore to find new partners, three of them being Mian Nawaz Sharif, General Hamid Gul, and a scruffy young baby bunny called Sangsar Abbasi.

Oh, what a wonderful time it was for Abdul Group and Pakistan under the kind and visionary Zia regime. Nawaz, Gul, the baby bunny, and Zia sang and danced, laughed and ran in slow-motion on the beaches of Normandy, spreading the seeds of love, brotherhood, peace, and nuclear waste. It was just too good to last. On August 17, 1988, Zia met with an accident while paragliding with his old pal, Shatrughan Sinha over the Tora Bora Mountains in Switzerland. Both had had a bit too much Red Bull to drink that day that failed to give them wings. enter image description here Zia’s protégés, Mian Nawaz Sharif, Hamid Gul, and the baby bunny cried foul and blamed Bilawal Bhutto Zardari Bhutto Zardari for Zia’s demise even though Bilawal wasn’t even born yet.

As it turned out, it was Abdul Group’s idea to blame the still-to-be-born Bilawal Bhutto Zardari Bhutto Zardari after he was refused a PPP ticket by his old philosophical nemesis, Mogambo, for the 1988 election. Abdul Group joined the ISI instead, and right away formed his own ISI wing, ISI (Abdul Group). He was the only member.

His faction was handed the charge of training future TV anchors and newspaper reporters in the art of derailing democracy in the name of democracy and abusing the freedom of the press in the name of the freedom of the press.

Abdul Group rejoiced when General Pervez Musharraf toppled democracy and imposed another very kind and humane martial law. But just at this moment, Abdul Group re-re-reformed PML (Abdul Group), and started opposing Musharraf.

Abdul Group then unleashed his TV anchors and reporters who said they were working for democracy, and when Musharraf quit, it was discovered that they had actually been working for Maria B.

He stormed out of his own PML faction and joined Islamist insurgents in the North West of Pakistan. As expected he formed his own faction.

He claimed that he was fighting a just war against India, America, Israel, and Ghana, and wanted to impose Shariah law in Pakistan and the Antarctica.

When asked why Antarctica, Abdul Group said, ‘why not?’ This made everybody smile, until Abdul Group decided to blow himself up in public, but failed to do so because a fortnight ago he had traded his dynamite for year’s supply of McDonald’s Big Macs, which he then enjoyed with Ali Azmat while watching Madonna’s new video and cursing American imperialism.

enter image description here

Abdul Group failed to get a ticket from all the major political parties to contest the 2013 election. So he joined Jibran Can’t’s Pakistan Tehreek-i-Teletubbies. He announced this during a protest dharna the PTiT held in Karachi’s biggest slum area, Clifton.

enter image description here

The party was protesting against the torture the poverty-stricken Karachiites of Clifton had suffered for years from being forced to listen to the singing of Muttahida Quantum Movement leader, Altaf Bro.

enter image description here

And then, one fine day, Abdul Group found his name on the Exit Control List along with Musharraf’s. He at once drew out his own list, ECL (Abdul’s List). He arrested and jailed himself, then escaped to the Seychelles Island, came back and made a dramatic appearance on Hamida Mehrunisa’s talk show, Capital Punishment, on which he accused Bilawal Bhutto’s still-to-be-born children and Altaf Bro for implicating him in a false case.

enter image description here

When asked by Hamida what that case was, he said, it was a bad case of the flu. ‘But mind you,’ he said. ‘Flu (Abdul Group).’ He was the only patient.