For better part of its life, Pakistan Cricket has been a rollercoaster touching peaks of success one day only to taste the depths of ignominy without much of a delay. Before you have finished celebrating the team’s success in snatching victory from the jaws of defeat, there is always a thought at the back of the mind that it will not take long for the boys to shoot themselves in the foot. That being so, the quick transformation from the ecstasy at Lords to the sorrow at Galle should have surprised few.

While one can put off dissecting the team performance till the end of the Test series, there were a few souls who couldn’t wait that long. Abdul Qadir was one. The former chief selector didn’t waste a minute in going public with his thoughts about mala fide selection policy. He had recently found the egg on his face in the wake of team’s victory at the Twenty20 World Cup, so it was understandable that he didn’t want to delay his outburst this time because the second test was to start in a few days’ time and nobody, including Abdul Qadir, cold predict how the team would play; or where exactly the rollercoaster would be this time: on a high or a low. Also pitching in with his load of rubbish was Shoaib Akhtar, the man who at one point in time used to have the potential to develop into a decent bowler, but the showman in him never allowed the individual to make the most of what he had. His recently published remarks have caused considerable humour among cricket followers who must thank him for giving them something to laugh about in the wake of the Galle disappointment.

For starters, he said he was fit! One wonders what his definition of fitness happens to be, but it has been a long time since anybody in the world saw a professionally fit Shoaib Akhtar on any field of play anywhere in the world in any format of the game. The last time he turned out for Pakistan was just 10 weeks ago during the one-day series against Australia in the UAE. He cut a sorry figure. He was terribly overweight. There was so much flab bulging out of his trousers that he was struggling to keep his shirt tucked in. He was huffing, puffing and panting like a sprinter who had been made to run the marathon by an angry coach.

He now talks of his discomfort with the shortened run-up which, according to him, has affected his bowling, but in the UAE he was struggling to complete his follow-through, what to talk of a run-up, long or short! If he says he was fit and was denied the chance to make it to the Twenty20 Cup, one wonders if he is suffering from problems that are much more grave than just physical.

One might have been tempted to look for signs of hallucinations and delusions, but some of his other utterances suggest otherwise. Take, for instance, his grumblings against all and sundry except Ejaz Butt, the sitting PCB boss. This is a clear indication of perfect practical sense on the part of a human being who knows beyond doubt which side of the bread is buttered.

While he has talked about the option of taking legal recourse, if saner counsel prevails, he would not opt for it. In fact, he should not even talk of a court of law. In these days of judicial activism, there might be a suo motu case against his credentials to enjoy a Category-A central contract with the PCB. His has done nothing in the last couple of years to deserve that, and it is in his own interest to enjoy the bounty quietly rather than try to be in the limelight when he should be in the gym.

Shoaib’s claim that he can play for another five years is another successful attempt to tickle the funny bone, as a look at his statistics shows that his career should have come to an end five years ago. It is his showmanship and the PCB tendency to blow hot and cold over such affairs that has kept him alive off the field.

If Shoaib is really serious about “five more years” of cricket — international; not in his backyard — he should spend the first two of those years exercising his guts out in the gym. If he can do that, he will instantly know what fitness actually is and then he can be a wonderful bowler for the remaining three years. But, first thing, first: go to the gym, Shoaib. Or else, you would remain what you are: an overweight, overpaid showman.