May 10, 2008

Eyes closed, lost within my clothes, I struggled through the sleeve to pass my hand through. I thought you would come and help me out but you didn’t; the first time I wore my clothes myself!

Waiting at the table, staring at the empty chair, I thought you would come and feed with me with your hands. Specious, I waited but you didn’t come. Wandering how to hold a spoon, I struggled to eat with dropping cereal and wet clothes; the first time I ate my breakfast myself!

The intrepid sense that you would come started waning. With the strident hours of the days making out what to do and what not; finally I realised how erroneous I was to wait for you. And then it was that I started crying; the first time I cried!

Rolling on the bed, deserted by sleep, I needed your lull, a hand to pat and fingers to pass through my hairs. I was so afraid of darkness, I wanted to tell you but you didn’t come. When my little hands could not reach the button to switch on the lights, I hid myself under sheets and cried myself to sleep. Remembering the sleeping prayer you used to recite, I managed broken words of prayers; the first time I prayed myself!

I watched the neighbour’s girl playing on her mother’s lap, I wandered once again, whether you would come or not? Realising the truth; the first time I felt so lonely!

Grow-ing up gradually, I applied your lipstick. Not knowing how to, I scribbled it over my lips. Looking at the infamy of my face, I thought how it would be to have you do my makeup!

Cleaning up my messy room, struggling through the junk, I felt weak and tired. Miserable with it, leaving things as it were, I cried for help. When no one came, I somehow packed the sheets under the bed and cleaned the mess. I was surprised by my work; the first time I did my room myself!

Hurriedly working in the kitchen, ouch, I burned my hand. With tears all over my face, eating the burnt toast, I quenched my hunger. Bandaging my hand inappropriately, the first time I felt so much pain!

Wrapping within my teens, turning audacious day by day, with no one to ask I went out at bars and returned late at nights. With no one to scold or punish; the first time I felt so homeless!

Climbing at the stage to take my black cap, I searched for you to clap and cheer. But I saw no one. With the desire to hear you say, “I’m proud of you!” first time I felt immaterial.

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With all my friends living in a hostel for higher studies, we had to manage meals on our own. Everyone moaned and cried for help from someone to cook, I didn’t; the first time I felt so independent!

Waking up in the morning, everyone found it tough with no one to stand at their head and wake them, they all got late for classes. I didn’t; the first time I felt so responsible!

I grew up doing things and doing nothing much. At my wedding, everyone cried and wept, I did not! The first time I felt so courageous!

Today, teaching my children the lessons of life — the different ways like others do not; the first time I feel you around myself and then realise that you were always there, making me learn the way to live more and more.

Today for the first time, I didn’t cry that you are not with me but smiled at the thought that how you were still always there and is still there with me...!

I love you mom!