September 29, 2007

Dear diary
People say: “You cannot die of a broken heart.” Generally, this is followed by the phrase: “Time heals all wounds.” Like many, life has brought me to know the heart gripping pain, when fate steals away a love and a dream, more important to you than yourself. Emotions we assign to the heart, which were powered by our minds truly determine our life, love and our very survival.

Happy emotions are to our lives, like food and water. Grief and loss are the emotions of a desert drought. I do not believe it is really time that heals all wounds, but what happens within that time. For many of us, it is the support and the love we receive from friends and family that heal those wounds and softens the grip of the pain holding that wounded heart. For some, the emotional pain is too much, when the floor we have trusted to stand on all our lives is quickly snatched from beneath us; and that is what happened with me.

A broken heart leaves you empty from inside. It robs you of what feels like all of your happiness, of all the good in your world. It leaves you completely lost inside and out. Everywhere you go you ultimately become uncomfortable and want to go to the next spot. Everywhere you go mentally, that person is there. It becomes virtually impossible to think about anything, but that person. You constantly want to change your physical location in a feeble attempt to change your mental location. But that person is everywhere you go.

I haven’t cried yet. I actually don’t know if I will. I have cried over that person many times already, but, this time it is almost too shocking for me. I don’t foresee tears as much as I foresee low spirits. I foresee loneliness. It’s ironic. I have lost the most special person in the world and am utterly clueless as to where my world would go from here.

Anger feels good. Resenting the lost love is denial: it allows the spirit to go higher than it should. Resent is not a good feeling, but is a complete ecstasy in comparison to missing my love. Anger is a cloud in comparison to the empty, lonely sadness of a broken heart. I was able to hold anger for the first few hours — now I have calmed down; the calm allows the beautiful memories to set in, along with the hopeless pain.

I cannot think. Functioning in the real world feels so fake. Talking to people as if everything is all good is ridiculous. I need to go into quarantine; somewhere where I can just watch video clips of all the happy times we shared. Somewhere, where I can just look at pictures of him and of him and me; somewhere, where I can cry and scream and curse and bash my head and fists against the wall until the physical pain of the bashes overpowers the emotional pain in my heart. Unfortunately, it can’t happen. Even if I was bleeding from my head and my knuckles were broken into pieces, I won’t be able to erase the memory of the most special person I’ve ever met.

How do you replace a person who possessed beauty and brilliance, who loved you to death, with all his heart? How do you find that intensity of affection and attention? How do you repair a broken heart? I need an answer, but the only one I keep coming up with is … him. He is the only thing fathomable that could bring me the kind of joy and happiness that my heart desires.

I want him back. I need him to smile. I feel like I need him to joke and laugh. I feel like I need him to be mine. Suicide is obviously of no interest to me, but I definitely wish I could go into a physical and mental hole of unconsciousness and wake up months later, with a new found peace and a high spirit that seems so unreachable right now.

Without love the world is an entirely different place. If everyone in the world were able to share true love with their soul mate, the world would undoubtedly be a much better place to live in. Maybe that isn’t any brilliant, revelatory but, if I were God, I would see to it that eventually, it happens. I miss my soul mate and I humbly pray to have him again one day. My world is now without the same depth, the same meaning or the same passion. I yearn for him. I love that person and I always will.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what to think. I feel like a chunk of my world and my life has been taken from me — I am right. That is exactly what has happened. I am at a loss: as to what to do with my life when my world has turned upside down.

Who will I fight with? Who will I make fun of? Who will I tease all the time? Who will I share my thoughts and feelings with? Who will I be able to shower with compliments and gifts? Who will look perfectly beautiful just for me? Who will take care of me when I don’t feel well? Who will I love with all my heart and receive equal love in return from? Nobody. My heart hurts so badly that it wants to stop.