July 07, 2007

“Come on, Don’t be a spoil sport! Go ahead, do it! Everyone’s doing it! No one will know!”

We have all heard these provocations, insults, put downs and rejections, and may have acted on them due to pressure and not entirely our own free will. The consequences might have been something that we haven’t quite cherished or appreciated — certainly not back then, and maybe not even today!

Some of you might have cheated, bullied someone weaker than you, had a body piercing done, tried smoking, vandalised public property, driven a car without permission, etc. Even if you haven’t actually done any of the above ‘dare devil’ stuff, then you must have been tempted or provoked by others. Thus, your behaviour, thoughts and actions have not been a matter of choice or free will, but a result of your peers’ pressurising.

A peer can be a person we look up to or someone who is equal to us in age or ability — it can be a friend, a community figure, or a media personality. Peer pressure is the stress or strain people put on a person to act, behave, think and look a certain way — these are often negative influences. This kind of pressure can cover everything from behaviour, hobbies, fashion, music, television, food, and outlook. As we grow, the formative influences in our life, such as those of the school, parents, and moral education, diminish, and the influence of peers takes hold.

Youth
Youth is one of those confusing times in your life when you feel the desire to fit in — at whatever cost. Peer pressure begins to rear its head at this stage without any factors to counter it, as young people are compelled to spend all of their time in fixed and pre-determined groups i.e. school, tuition, cousins. Friends usually group together over similarities, so they don’t get a chance to experience alternative outlooks, lifestyles or opinions. Unlike adults, we are forced to spend large amounts of time in these groups, often against our will, and thoughts regarding the group members. Teenage years are an impressionable age because every forbidden person, place or thing holds a magnetic attraction; it feeds one’s curiosity and ego.

At this stage of our life, we are too eager to please others, too eager to be accepted as part of the popular, cool and ‘hip’ crowd — the gang. Hence, the gang mentality comes into play. Allegiance is the rule of the game; disagreement is seen as a sign or rebellion leading to an outcast status. Peer pressure can lead one to experiment with high-risk and potentially dangerous behaviours and situations, such as skipping school, lying to parents and teachers, interacting with members of the opposite sex in an inappropriate manner, smoking, experimenting with drugs and weapons, etc.

Vulnerability
Factors like independence, individuality, personal and family values, education, and socio-economic status determine the degree to which one responds to peer pressure. Certain personality traits make one more vulnerable to peer pressure, such as:

• Lack of self-confidence and self-esteem

• Distant relationship with parents and family members

• No social life apart from peers

• Weak academic performance

• Being around bullies

• Submissive position within the peer group

Positive and negative
There are situations where peer pressure exerts itself in a positive way. For instance, if you hang out with peers who are high achievers, excel in sports and/or are academically meritorious, you will be positively influenced to match their achievements. However, in being part of the high achievers’ club, comparisons are inevitably made, and can have a detrimental effect on your self esteem. Take the example of ‘A’. When her best friend enrolled in a debate contest, she followed suit. She was able to come up with a great speech; however, she froze on the podium in front of the whole school and felt quite traumatised by the booing and sniggering of her schoolmates.

How to beat peer pressure and stay sane
Learn to say ‘No’: It’s okay to decline doing certain things, although we have been taught that saying no to people is impolite. Life is all about making choices and decisions, be it ganging up against the girl with braces, dying your hair blue or smoking — everything has consequences. Saying ‘No’, and meaning it, is bound to save you from lots of trouble in both the long and short run. Spur of the moment decisions and vague responses like “uh-huh", “dunnow” and “maybe” have implications. Thus, we should learn to say no if and when we need to, in a way that it gets heard, understood and respected by our peers. If you are afraid that saying no would put your friends off, or they would make fun of you, then try to support your response with arguments. Remember, you do not need to be apologetic about your choices!

Accept responsibility: Expressing our opinions and making choices gives us immense power over ourselves because there are no choices without consequences. Trying to outdo your friends in a coke drinking contest will leave you with a caffeine hangover and an upset stomach. Dying your hair an outlandish shade of green or blue will lead to people not taking you seriously. Driving without permission and hitting someone would haunt you for the rest of your life. Hence, consequences of our choices can affect the quality of our lives for a long time. Additionally, when you make a particular choice, you automatically close any other doors that might be open to you. Thus, gain an insight into your core values; judge yourself by your own standards and not by others’, and accept responsibility for your choices and actions.

Avoid passing judgments: While resisting or refuting peer pressure, by all means give your opinion but avoid passing strong judgments or statements. If you respect others’ opinions and choices, they just might respect yours. If asked, try to give logical arguments instead of judgments. If you are unable to express yourself without getting emotional, then try to give neutral statements. Here are some examples of moderate to strong statements:

“No thanks, I’m good.”
“Sorry guys — I’ll pass.”
“Not for me, thanks.”
“Trust me, I know what I’m doing.”
“No way! Not my style.”

Go slow! Everyone seems to be in a hurry to grow up and get ahead these days. We want to taste all that life has to offer, good or bad, as it looks exciting and formidable. But trust me (a 30-year-old) — it’s not going anywhere. So, there is no reason to go overboard because not everything life offers happens to be good. Handling too much, too soon, can lead to a substantial amount of stress. If your friends have started sneaking the family car out and having fun, there is no reason you should too. On the other hand, if they have decided to get summer internships, there is no reason you should too, especially if your family needs your time and attention this summer. So the next time someone tells you to do certain things because you only get to be sixteen once; you can let them know: “Precisely! And I want to enjoy it — not get ahead of it!”

Invest in meaningful relationships: Everyone you meet at school will not stay your friend; they are, at best, your acquaintances. Thus, when trying to make friends, keep the common interest factor in view rather than abide by the cool and hip factor, don’t push yourself to be part of a group where you don’t have much common ground. Make deep and lasting friendships, rather than fast fading acquaintances, because your true friends won’t intentionally exert pressure on you to do something against your wish and will.

In the end, it all comes down to you. Learn to stand up for yourself, as well as someone who is being ridiculed or bullied. This way you’ll create a positive vibe in your group. If you feel that life is a puppet show, have faith that your Creator has empowered you with enough sense and skill to hold the strings of your life, so you don’t surrender this power to others. Beat peer pressure by making sensible choices for yourself. After all, it is said that he who controls now controls tomorrow.