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Super Sis
Confidential to Concerned and Scared Sagittarius
CSS, I’m sorry to know you had to go through a tough two years. You are, however, not alone in this situation and a majority of young daughters go through puzzling stints of friction with their mothers. Most times, it is rather difficult to figure out alone what exactly is causing all this negative energy, and I am really glad that you wrote in.
First of all, understand that you were not wrong to turn to your friends or, for that matter, your aunt, for advice. It’s human nature to do so; we all need someone to talk to and share our troubles with. And even if it doesn’t solve anything, it does ease off the stress a little bit. However, this little episode must have taught you that your aunt isn’t a good confidante after all. It is okay to feel betrayed, but hey, no use crying over spilt milk, right? Look at the bright side — you’re smarter now and you will be wary in future. Besides, I’m sure your aunt had the best intentions so just forgive her and move on.
You must admit though: a good thing did come out of this whole ‘aunt episode.’ You and your mom got to talk things out. This is definitely good news. It means your mom does have a soft spot for you (duh!); you both simply need to fine tune your affection towards each other. In fact, you are very lucky that your mom is receptive and understanding enough to sit down with you and trust you enough to have a heart-to-heart talk with her over such tender matters. And it is through this incident that you must become wiser and figure out a solution to your little problem.
It is plain as day that you are simply misunderstood, and that is why your mom has been behaving so negatively towards you. Misunderstandings can be over so many little things, and they can build up and become really ugly and confusing. Your mom finds you irresponsible, careless, stupid, immature, depressed, untrustworthy … and the ‘flattering’ list continues. In turn, though, what have you done to clarify her perceptions about yourself? You have either locked yourself up in your bathroom or talked to your friends and aunt about your mother’s behaviour.
Now what is so wrong about that, you might ask? You see, ever since your aunt reproached your mom, she appears to have lost faith in you. That’s why she also feels uncomfortable about you discussing domestic problems with all of your friends. She thinks you have been bad-mouthing her and that is a huge blow to any mother’s ego.
If you take a step forward, you will realise that your mom would actually like you to trust her enough to share your troubles directly with her, instead of complaining to third parties. Can it get any better than this? This is the perfect opportunity for you to sit down with mom and have a heart-to-heart, mother-daughter talk. Tell her in all seriousness that you need to talk to her in private; of course she will listen.
Once you have her full attention, you can start off by apologising in general about anything you might have done in the past that hurt her and admitting that it was ‘rather silly’ of you to tell on her before other people. Tell her that this cold friction had been having a jarring effect on your nerves and you didn’t know what to do or whom to turn to.
Express how you feel about her attitude change since your trip abroad, how hurt and bruised you are by her harsh words, how insecure you feel about not being able to confide in her because there is always so much negative energy between you two. Get your point through without raising your voice or shouting. Rudeness is out of the question, kappish? Tell her that you wanted to have this conversation for a long time, but you were afraid she would have scolded you off. Finally, ask her how she would want you to improve yourself as a daughter instead of simply scolding you. Soon, she will open up and tell you her side of the story too.
Remember: your mom will never realise how deeply her behaviour is affecting you unless you talk to her personally. Of course, every one is allowed to have friends to share their joys and sorrows with. But it would be wise to share your personal problems with one or two close friends instead of going around with your story before a whole bunch of people.
At the same time, take a critical look at yourself and see where you are at fault. For starters, shutting yourself up in the bathroom and sobbing away only looks good in Avril Lavigne’s videos, but our parents definitely do not cotton to such behaviour. So please try to cut down on this. At the same time, don’t mention every little silly mistake you might have made at school — like losing your stationery, etc. — as it serves little purpose in building a positive image of yourself before your mom.
When in an argument, remember, silence is always better than a thousand harsh words and when at home, pitch in a hand in domestic chores. For some obscure reason, it always appeals to mothers’ senses and they feel their daughters are so responsible and well-mannered.
And at the end of the day, remember, no matter what happens, respecting your mother is your duty by default and no matter how broken you feel inside, you can always seek solace in the fact that you, on your part, did your best in a situation. Now I know I sound a little preachy in the last few paragraphs — but then again, if I don’t sermonise you, who will? Good luck, and hit back as soon as things get better. Toodles!
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