March 31, 2007

“Help me, Mrs Fernandez, please help!” Exclaimed the little girl as she panted and ran as fast as her legs would help her get away from the large, hairy, bloodthirsty and crazy creature that ran at her heels. With tears of fear streaming down her face and her heart beating loudly in her ears, she screamed desperately for someone to come and rescue her from the beast. “Mrs Fernandez, please help,” she cried, calling her fourth grade teacher who she came to for tuitions. The beast that was chasing her was a German Shepherd that belonged to the girl who lived in the apartment above.

Bernadette and Lily, Mrs Fernandez’s two daughters looked with horror and helplessness at the scene from their ground floor window. Just as the little girl was at the end of her tether and energy, Uncle Thomas, Mrs Fernandez’s brother came out. He had a stick or something in his hand and called out at the dog that was drooling at the mouth with his long tongue hanging out. There was something in Uncle Thomas’s tone of voice that made the dog stop chasing the youngster and stare at the courageous man. Soon the owner of the dog came and took it away. The little girl was taken inside the house as she shook all over with fear, shock and relief. It has been more than three decades but yours truly is still emotionally and physically uncomfortable in the presence of any kind of dog. I still remember Uncle Thomas as we all called my teacher’s brother, as the most courageous man I have ever met in my life.

Your truly had been told so many times by her three older brothers not to run if she saw a dog, as she had always been afraid of them. But the first thing that she did on that fateful day was panic and run as soon as she saw the huge animal taking a walk with his owner around the grounds. The dog had been diagnosed as being senile and the teenager who owned it was being convinced by her family to put it to sleep, which she did after that incident. But maybe, just maybe if yours truly had controlled her emotions, remembered her brothers’ words of caution and just walked up to Mrs Fernandez’s door and rang the bell, controlling her reaction, things might have turned out differently. But as they say, every action has a reaction; in this case, the reaction to the dreaded dog resulted in the animal also reacting in an unacceptable manner.

Emotions are symbolised by water and to control them is like calming a stormy sea, say experts. If one wants to achieve a high level of personal development, one has to learn to control their emotions rather than be ruled by them. This certainly does not mean that a person should “shut off” his or her feelings completely which can in turn result in further emotional problems. One should, in fact, learn to understand one’s emotions by getting closer to them and then learn to deal with them.

Most often than not, our emotions manifest themselves physically. People who are experiencing severe emotional upheavals react by eating too many sweet things as sweets are considered as ‘happy food’ and also given as gifts and rewards and are thus associated with happy occasions. Sometimes people show excessive behaviour by just eating too much or too little, spend too much money unnecessarily or by getting angry even if slightly provoked. All these are reactions to the emotional upheavals that are going on inside us and all these reactions prove harmful for us in the long run

There is nothing wrong with enjoying one’s favourite chocolate once in a while or buying that ‘something’ we have saved up for or even letting out a little steam once in a while. But when the chocolates are reached for too often or when the desire for that ‘something’ becomes a desire for everything that suits our fancy or when the occasional outburst turns into fits of fury that hurt others and harms our emotional well-being, it’s time to take a ‘hold’ on oneself.

According to experts, find out first what is bothering you. Then instead of immediately reacting in a negative way, respond to your emotion by unravelling the thread of why you feel the way you feel. If it is jealousy or envy, then the basis of that emotion is fear. The fear of losing what you have or might not have. Instead of focusing on what the other person has, the way to fight this is to think of what you ‘do’ have. This will enable one to calm the emotion of anger and frustration of what the object of your envy has and let you see things in a more positive manner. In fact, it might even evoke a feeling of peace and happiness. In feeling this way, one is not only letting go of feeling bad about the other person but in fact doing one’s own self a favour by feeling at peace. So the thing to do in such situations is to shift the feeling to oneself rather than the other person and by looking into oneself and trying to understand and handle them.

Circumstances and Reactions

Emotions are aroused by a certain situation or circumstances, thus causing ripples .

This can be compared to when a stone is thrown in a calm body of water causing ripples. The calm waters are our emotions when we are at peace and the stone can be compared to the situation that occurs and the ripples that result are our reactions to that particular emotion. The first thing to do, say experts, is to tell yourself that though you have every right to feel any emotion, it is also your duty to take responsibility for any adverse reaction that you have which might harm or hurt others. By controlling one’s attitude, one can control one’s actions. As Hazrat Ali (AS) said, “He who stands up in anger always sits down a loser.” Choose the right time and the right place to express your emotions, caution experts.

When feeling negative or hurt about something that is due to the actions of someone close, talking it out is the best solution but here too one’s attitude towards the problem is the key. Instead of always blaming the other person, think about it this way: he or she is not me; this is a different person with different ideas and individual emotions. The situation might not mean the same thing to this person. The best way to start is not by saying, “You made me feel or you treat me bad,” but “I felt hurt or I feel upset.” This shifts the focus to yourself rather than the opposite person and talks more about your own feelings and is less of an accusation.

When one does this, one is conveying one’s feelings to the person concerned and if it is someone who really cares, he or she will take the trouble to make you understand why he or she acted in a particular manner or apologise. If they really value your feelings, they will make sure that the air is cleared and not make you feel guilty for your emotions. If not, then one is better off without such friends or people.

If in a heated argument, it is better to leave the room for some fresh air and a fresher perspective on the situation at hand, advise experts. When feeling depressed and frustrated, instead of blaming others for the situation, think what you can do to better the circumstances. Like Confucius said, “It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.”

The old saying of ‘having a good cry’ holds true even today. It has been scientifically proven that when there is an extreme emotional turbulence within one’s body, it is better to let those tears flow. There is nothing wrong with crying. It is a human trait and when nature endowed us with tear glands, they were not just for being used when cutting onions. When emotionally disturbed, crying is nature’s way of shedding the unwanted excess chemicals from one’s body, which results in a feeling of calm after a good cry. But do not make it a habit to just cry for gaining attention or sympathy, as people get tired of a ‘cry baby’. On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with shedding tears at a tragedy or when feeling hurt. It is always nice to ‘have a shoulder to cry on’ but if not then the pillow might do just nicely till one feels lighter with splashes of cold running water on the face.

There are other factors to expressing one’s emotions. Why do enjoyable events turn into violent situations? Why do people get overwhelmed at rock concerts to the extent of losing all sense of propriety? Why can’t we just learn to enjoy ourselves without turning into unrecognisable creatures? While it is fine to clap and dance a little with the music, even cheer for an encore, why give in to the temptation of pushing and elbowing one’s way to the front by annoying others? Why does cricket matches turn into matches of ‘fists of fury’ among the spectators if a team loses? It is just a sport, not a matter of life and death so why not exhibit true sportsmanship by enjoying and letting others enjoy as well. In all avenues of life, remember someone has to lose. And it is okay to be that someone. It is only by losing that we encourage the desire to win.

For people who are unable to control their emotions or find it difficult to cope with day-to-day circumstances, it is better to seek professional help. There are councillors, psychologists and psychiatrists who are well equipped to deal with these kinds of disorders and help a person lead a normal life. For the rest of us, a good thing to remember when faced with the urge to react in an unwarranted way is the good old saying, “this shall pass too”.

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