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Losing friends...
Dear Diary,
Where do I start? I have so much to say, yet no one around to hear me, to see that what I say is true and understand that these tears are not fake. Having nowhere else to turn, this is my only refuge, to let out all the pain that I am feeling. There are times when a person can have several friends around him, yet feel alone.
Take me for example. I feel so lonely today, severed from the rest of the world, having no one around to understand the pain that I feel. No one around to give me hope, to make me believe in myself, or think that things will get better. No one to let me out of the nightmare my life has turned into, a world where I have to fake smiles, and believe that everything is alright. All of my friends are gone; gone because of silly misunderstandings that no one could fix.
I wonder why things like this happen. Why do I always end up hurting people who I care for very deeply and would never want them to feel bad. Being alone and having these thoughts are excruciating and I don’t know how to fix things anymore. I can’t understand who was to blame and why things ended the way they did. I no longer know what to expect. My best friends are gone and I think it was my fault. All those mistakes I made, I wonder how I could have done it, without realising what the consequences would be.
I hear voices screaming out: ‘You deserve what you got!’ This voice keeps ringing in my head and I always wonder, do I really deserve this? Do I deserve to feel the unbearable pain of loneliness, with no one around to care for me? I always come to the same conclusion, yes, I do deserve it. My actions had consequences and now that I realise the consequences I know that hurting my best friends was wrong.
I hope they will realise that they weren’t the only ones who suffered, I too feel the pain, and am suffering every day. I can hardly seem to stop crying and my sorrow is not fake. However, there is no way to let them know. I don’t think words can even describe how truly sorry I am.
Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and make everything right. I wish I could erase the part where I hurt the people I care about. One of my biggest regrets is that I made them cry. It showed how much I had actually hurt them and it is something that I have to live with everyday.
Sitting alone in this sad empty room I realise that I will never be able to forgive myself. I am constantly thinking about the good times we used to have and feel sorry that I threw it all away. My dearest hope is that I find answers to all these questions whizzing around in my mind. Yet I know that I am fighting a losing battle.
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