December 25, 2004

Dear diary,

I’m writing you after many days and I didn’t write because I had a problem. I wanted to write to you now after such a long time because I’ve lost my mind. When I see talented people who have a name and fame, I get embarrassed because I feel that I none, no talent, no fun and no life.

I am a sinner. I am the shiest person in the world. I have no self confidence. I don’t obey my elders. I am insane. I am crazy. I am stupid. I am a loser. That’s all I have got. I have no brains, no mind and nothing is useful about me. When I take a look at myself I see that I am no good at my studies, bad at games and worse at singing.

I can’t do what I like to do. I can’t achieve my goals. I am not even good at making friends. When I look at my siblings and my friends I feel I have no worth compared to them. The only thing I seem to have is luck. It’s unbelievably good sometimes and at others it starts playing tricks with me.

I am the most troublesome person in my house and college. I have no creativity. I commit blunders. I don’t want to be a Miss Perfect or Know-it-all or Einstein but then again I want to be a person with average intelligence and competence at least. I sometimes feel that I am even worse than the failures in my class. To add to my troubles I am careless too. I have no will to do anything and this contributes greatly to my failure.

I am very stubborn. I can’t rule over myself or rule my habits. All I want to do is daydream. I am of no use to anyone. I feel that the answer to all my problems is death. I want to escape from here. I can’t face the world. I want to turn my head from this life. I do what I like to do. I don’t understand anyone’s advice. God! I am going nuts.

This means that I have everything that a loser has and none of the qualities of a successful person. I might not have anything at all but there is one thing that I have and for this I am extremely grateful to God. This is the love of all those around me. I have hope and faith and am still alive because of this.

Dear diary I am ending my conversation with you now, but now I promise that I won’t quit trying and will mend my ways too.

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