January 22, 2009

Zara Maqbool feels that one should trust one’s husband but keep an eye on him anyway

I have been married for seven years and so far my beloved husband has remained as faithful as ever, at least so he says or perhaps I have yet to catch him in the act. But even now, something as slight as an appreciative glance at other females triggers extreme physical and psychological reactions in me which are most definitely not very positive. I have warned my husband that, from the moment he tied the knot, 50 per cent of the world’s population is forbidden to him (as is the other 50 per cent, but knowing my husband, I’m not too worried about that.) He should know that women exist in the world and that’s about it.

Osman (my hubby) says, “Wives should remember that we are just window shopping, we don’t go ahead and buy everything we like.” Of course, after this comment, he was relegated to the spare room for a week, but that’s beside the point. His comment made me wonder if I was at fault; was I really too suspicious minded, something my dear hubby always accuses me of. But all I had to do was discuss this issue with a few friends and whoa, I realised I was not alone in this behaviour at all.

My cousin Hajra decides which friends’ request to accept or ignore on her husband’s Facebook. She says, “Of course I have his password. If he refuses to give it, then there’s definitely something wrong.” Sara, a friend adds, “I check my hubby’s phone now and then. The sound of an sms coming increases my heart rate and I make sure I check it before he does. Men are flirts by nature and a man will almost always take the chance if it is spread out before him; that’s why we poor wives have to keep an eye and not let other women get close.” Wives totally believe in the saying, ‘a stitch in time saves nine.’

Only a few women choose to disagree. Minahil, married for the last twenty years says, “I am not possessive of my husband, that’s why he has never cheated on me.”

I applaud such wisdom and faith but don’t you think it’s foolish to have so much blind trust?

Most wives are wary of any single woman in their husband’s social circle and if the female is attractive, high alert is on. Wives feel that these women are most likely to trap their husbands as they are looking for promising marriage material. I know this statement will bring a protest from all single women, but please hold your horses before you start sending me hate mail. Almost all my friends have, at one point or another experienced the possible threat of a single female getting too close to their husbands. Miriam says, “We are not out there to judge single women but we are talking from personal experience. It is not easy for a man to say NO to an attractive lady.”

Amna a successful single woman says, “It is unfair to judge us. Wives should remember that taali aik hath sai nahin bajati….” Ali a happily married man says, “Spending time with a female friend is the same as with a male friend.” Can we really believe this statement? Do men take the same pains in dressing up when they are going out with a male friend? “It’s not our husbands we don’t trust. It’s the other women”, says Naima. “So the solution is to simply not to let them spend time with other women.”

Faisal, a certified faithful husband, questions, “Why do wives spy on their husbands? Especially those who don’t give a reason to be spied upon” To answer that question, all I can say is why can’t men look at that attitude as extra care instead of spying? Men need to understand that most women are possessive and insecure about losing their husbands to other women. So why not do what the wives are asking them to do instead of fighting it? Mona says, “All we say is once you are married then do what we ask you to do. We don’t question what our husbands were up to before they got married.” Is this too much to ask?

There is a saying that goes: “Marriage is give and take. You better give it to her or she will take it anyways.” So I believe the sooner the hubbies resign themselves to the fact that once married, their Casanova days are over, the better it is for their general health. I empathise with their pain but then it’s too late anyways. A husband should know that the key to his happiness is to compromise and that is to let us wives have our way.

I am sure many husbands are shaking their heads reading this article and many wives are nodding theirs vigorously. But that’s the way it is. Take it or leave it!