January 22, 2009

Lights! Camera! Action! Well, not quite! The studio lights may not be there; the camera is definitely missing but there is plenty of action, drama (read melodrama) and definitely plenty of emotions to wrench your heart. I have been living in Islamabad for the past two years and have come to the sad conclusion that this city is teeming with gifted people whose thespian talents have gone unrecognised for too long. They may not sport a moustache, they may lack the paunch and they may do without the famous gundasa, but their acting abilities easily surpass those of our best-paid Lollywood stars.

In case you misunderstood, I am not talking about our politicians here. Although they too manage to look sincere and aware of our pedestrian needs. Hence they fool us every time during the election season. But that is another story. I am talking about those con men and women whose acting skills are realistic enough to melt our hearts and win them Oscars. Let’s take a look at these amazing people who, without the aid of fancy directors, scriptwriters and cinematographers, put up a stellar performance every time.

First category: Junior artistes

Usually between seven to 12 years of age, they come to your house with eyes solemn and words well rehearsed. They’ll tell you that they need Rs200 to pay their school dues otherwise their name will get struck off from the school register. “Please Auntie, hum parhna chahta hai,” will be their winsome plea. Thinking that this is one way of earning sawab, you gladly hand over the money. It’s only much later that you find out, that like some expert bhatta collector, they go from house to house collecting money with the same spiel and your ego will suffer a big blow. You haven’t been a Good Samaritan — just a gullible fool.

Second category: Budding actors

They are usually teenage boys that you’ll encounter in upscale markets. They’ll beseech you to help them take care of a dying parent suffering from cancer, pay for their sisters’ dowry or provide a roof over a large orphaned family. Their demand usually ranges from Rs200 to a hefty Rs2,000 depending upon your car model and clothes. Flashing cheap wares which they are not inclined to sell, they won’t let your car budge till you deposit some money in their outstretched hands. It will be the grinning roadside vendor or the doorman of the shop you were about to enter who’ll inform you, “Begum Saab, yeh sub ko yeh hi kahani sonata hai. Aap ka paisa bekar gaya.”

Third category: Female artistes

The skills and techniques of the female mendicants have grown by leaps and bounds. Depending upon their looks, speech and age, they’ll move you to tears with harrowing stories of abusive husbands, hapless daughters, hunger, poverty and debt. Don’t be taken in by the performance of those women who seek entry into your home on the pretext of using the phone or toilet. It does not take more than a blink of an eye for these ladies to transform from tearful, helpless females to knife and gun wielding femme fatales with your fatality on the agenda if you do not surrender your gold and money pronto.

Fourth category: Senior artistes

These artists are a class unto themselves. Their glibness is especially nauseating because they implore in the name of religion. Calling you beti, they’ll declare they are not beggars but victims of adverse circumstances. They have a sick wife or daughter somewhere and no money for their hospitalisation, food and shelter. With tears streaming down their cheeks, they’ll beat their head and chest in anguish. You would really be forgiven for being fooled by their splendid acting. I caught one senior actor out because he came to my house twice with the same story. I was really shocked because I had given him quite a bit of money the first time. I guess that’s the reason he decided to bury his ‘dead’ wife twice within a space of two months.

Fifth category: Character actors

These men usually have con artist written all over them but it does not make them any less dangerous. Posing as salesmen of a multinational company, they’ll offer you rewards for scratching cards with promises of instant prizes. You just have to pay Rs500 first for the privilege of scratching the card. They promise that you will get the prize — usually nothing less than a microwave oven, refrigerator, plasma television or dinner set — from their van which is parked somewhere out of sight. Some sell memberships to lucrative housing schemes or exclusive clubs, so exclusive that they do not even exist on the face of this earth!

Some pose as members of some retired faujis welfare society, special children’s welfare society, women’s welfare society, Balochistan welfare society, earthquake survivors’ welfare society or any other society they can muster up. Carrying registers, badges, photographs and official looking letters, they ask you to sign your name in the register and donate a hefty amount for a worthy cause. Glib, sleek and dressed to the part, they can make you feel guilty for even considering saying no.

This article is not meant to make fun of the poor or the needy. The sad truth is that there is a lot of hunger, poverty and deprivation in Pakistan and many people are in genuine need of our help, compassion and money. But these swindlers shake our faith in humanity and we are at a loss as to who to believe. The line between begging and readiness to cause physical harm if demands are not met has blurred, putting susceptible housewives at grave risk. My advice: never let it be known that you are alone in the house. Never let small children answer doorbells. Always keep your wits about you while dealing with these villainous characters. Theatrical performances should be seen in theatres not at your doorstep.