January 22, 2009

Trust is universally acknowledged as the most important element in any relationship, but Saima Salman finds out that this may not always be the case

In our society when a couple is getting married it is considered rude to ask them why they chose the partner they did. For two reasons. First, it was probably their mother who chose the partner for them, instigated by almost everyone in the neighbourhood as well as their family; and second, nobody cares to find out as long as the menu at the ceremony is appetising.

Common sense and the glow on the faces of the bride and groom-to-be lead one to think that they trust their future mate to make their life blissful or at least better than it is for them at present. This feeling of well-being is usually labelled ‘love’. For your information: love is a sensation our brain triggers when there is an excess of a specific hormone in our bodies. Therefore a practical way of looking at your union with a person that you hope will last a lifetime should be your utmost trust in him/her and not a temporary hormonal imbalance.

The surprising fact is that although it is a simple enough question, “Do you trust your spouse?” Not one single wife or husband could answer it with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Hence one would conclude that we have hidden our insecurities behind our so-called wisdom which demands degrees of trust at certain times in our life. Confused? So was this scribe when couples who have braved marriage for over 15 years were shaky yet superlatively confident (in their wisdom) while answering the pertinent question.

Mrs Saleem (married: 16 years)

“There are certain situations that demand a wife look more closely at her husband’s activities. Of course I trust him completely, but let‘s say he wants to go abroad on a business trip; you need to find out the details as to whom is he travelling with, etc., I guess you could say I don’t trust the world around him.”

Qurat-ul-Ain (married: 2 years)

“I would trust him with my life. But when it comes to his own life, he needs a harness. I think that’s why he married me.”

Faaiz (married: over five years)

“My wife stays home. I guess that makes it a little better for me. Yes, if she were working I would make sure I know exactly what she’s up to.”

Mrs Younus (married: 49 years)

“We have no choice but to trust our husbands. With seven children I did not have any spare time to go chasing after my hubby. But my life has been more good than bad and he has always been by my side. That is my idea of a good trustworthy partner. Beyond that ignorance is bliss.”

Mr Younus (husband of the above)

“This is all new age nonsense. There is no question of mistrusting my spouse. If I won’t trust her who else would I trust? She is the person I trusted to raise my children and run my house. We were better judges of character in our time so we chose the right person for ourselves. And anyway people did not break each other’s trust back then, it was tantamount to murder.”

It is a fallacy that women are more mistrusting than men. The simple truth is that women can and have been known to live with their husbands’ infidelities and misdemeanours. On the other hand, especially in our part of the world, men will not stand for a lying, cheating woman. Different rules and rights allow men to get away with it. Women may know of their spouse’s dallying and not be able to put an end to them. Therefore they either become ‘obsessed’ with keeping tabs on their partner’s activities or shut their eyes and pretend to completely trust him.

Men can be equally demanding when it comes to finding out their wives’ whereabouts if they aren’t confined to home and family. It is also a fallacy that times have changed and hence trust has worn thin. This is an age-old problem that has inspired poets and dramatists through the times. Where there is love there should be trust, instead one finds that history is awash with incidents where the breach of trust was the first and most important element in the ending of a loving relationship. Yet we see men and women continuing to co-exist without a shred of trust between them.

Zainab (will be married in a few months)

“I know that he would never deliberately hurt me but human beings have weaknesses, especially the male species. It would be blissful if we could just blindly believe in each other but once you’re married it is foolish to take you husband’s word for everything.”

Omar (married a few months)

“My lovely wife works for an MNC and is a driven career woman. I never had any issues before we married but the ugly green monster called jealously rears its head once in a while now and I can’t help but mistrust her. Although she’s never given me a reason for it.”

Another fallacy about this issue is that couples have only recently become so suspicious of each other. Whether human beings have become less dependable through the ages is debatable, but technologically we have progressed with such leaps and bounds that the world has literally shrunk to the size of your cellphone. Therefore, as many wives pointed out, temptations have grown stronger in recent times. Whereas illicit relationships in the past were limited to discreet meetings in places less frequented by people who could cause trouble, now one can ‘meet up’ online and conduct an entire affair over sms. Whether such virtual relationships come under the heading of infidelity however, is a different discussion altogether.

There is a likelihood that the issue of trust or mistrust will gain importance in the time to come. One of the reasons being extensive media exposure. The media brings to light these matters with such a persuasive approach that it affects everybody. With a myriad of soap operas, talk shows and news items discussing mismatched couples and love or arranged marriages, everyone is becoming self-conscious, if not self-aware. There’s no way to gauge someone’s sincerity; at some point or another, one has to take the plunge and trust the other because, in the long run, that is the real foundation for a strong relationship.