June 07, 2007

Ayesha Pervez writes about the problems of a second marriage

A mild-tempered mother of four grown-up children, Mrs Hamid lives in a comfortable house with her mother-in-law and children. To the onlooker her life appears to be a normal one, but appearances can be deceiving. A few years ago her husband remarried. For the family, she was never the same person again; she became docile, withdrawn and quiet. Many women sailing in the same boat unfortunately share a similar fate.

Financial insecurity and social stigma compel the first wife to compromise in such a situation. However, it can be very traumatic for any woman, no matter how strong she is.

Children are the main sufferers in such a situation. They fail to understand many changes in their lives and sometimes become depressed and adopt an antisocial behaviour. Children from broken homes are found to have difficulties in adjustment and relationships.

There are, however, women who refuse to live in such circumstances. When Samira, who resides in the UK and as the mother of a young child, came to know about her husband’s second marriage, she took a stand and refused to live with him. Though a tough woman, she worries about the questions her son will ask her once he grows up.

On the other hand, second wives are often not happy either. Initially, they feel they can adjust with a married man or they will be able to tear him away from his first wife and family. They ultimately realise that this usually doesn’t happen.

Mrs Farrukh is the second wife of a man whom she now regrets marrying. As her husband has children from his first marriage, he gives more time to them and never stays at her place. Though she has decided to continue with the marriage, she is not happy.

The problem of second marriages affects both families. As a result, neither of the wives is completely happy. Women who do not know that their husbands have a second wife, especially men who work abroad or make frequent and long business trips outside the city or country, suffer silently.

Mrs Sheryar is one such woman. Her husband never seems to be home or at any family events. He doesn’t take interest in family affairs and appears disgruntled whenever he is home. Many relatives and acquaintances have asked her to find out whether he has remarried but she remains passive about it. There are countless women like her, many of whom are too scared to actually hear the truth.

Women should pursue their education and acquire skills. Besides caring for the household, they must pursue a career for themselves if they can. This way, if they face any problems in their married lives –– both as a first or second wife –– they will have the confidence to demand equal rights and take control of the situation rather than let the situation control them.