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October 23, 2006
We can be heroes
There is a serious reluctance in the media to show positive, strong, independent role models for women since most people feel that by seeing successful women, society in general will fall apart, and women might start wanting a life which does not include a husband and children, writes Manizeh Syed Ali
Tick, tick goes the clock in the middle of the night and by all accounts, considering that it is merrily counting away seconds to yet another day, as a single Pakistani woman I should by now be staying awake worried sick of not being married yet. But surprise, surprise I am not even though the ‘aunty brigade’ standing outside my door would love to detect signs of fear and panic in me at the idea of remaining single. Quite frankly, I am enjoying my independence too much, to as they put it, ‘settle down’.
I have always wondered at the hypocrisy of that term especially since it is always directed towards single women and not single men? Years ago a male friend, a single male friend mind you, suggested condescendingly that I should get married and settle down to which my reply was, “My life began the day I was born and will end the day I die, it does not need a man to start it. Marriage would add a new dimension to life but it certainly won’t be the reason for its existence!”
Being a single man automatically confers an image of freedom, beautiful girlfriends, holidays in exotic places and a high flying career. Think George Clooney and Mr Big from Sex and the City and you get the distinct impression that single men lead a life filled with freedom and fun. We, single women, on the other hand, get the wrong end of the stick by being viewed as dry, unhappy, and resentful at the world, old Miss Havisham like characters. The image of the high flying career and the glamorous lifestyle is not applied on us, rather we are considered as the tragic figures for not been chosen by a man, our lives are consigned to being a burden on our relatives, keeping lots of cats and having jobs as teachers.
And that quite frankly is far from the truth since all the single women I know lead equally fulfilling lives like their married-with-children counterparts, if not more. Being single means that one can enjoy the joys of professional success without worrying about neglecting one’s family, it also means that personal success comes from one’s own self worth as a person and not being measured with so and so’ s wife.
It’s disturbing because it makes women feel that their own importance in the world comes with having a man next to them and thus automatically degrades them as they are made to feel inferior and useless and ashamed of their own achievements and qualities that have nothing to do with marriage and motherhood.
The media’s singular obsession with marriage and family fuels this sense of inferiority as every single celebrity is inevitably asked the question “so when is marriage on the cards?” I am tired of regularly seeing the covers of women’s magazines scream out loudly ‘Special bridal issue’. And then there are those countless celebrities who proudly proclaim in the headlines ‘having a baby made me feel like a real woman’! ‘Oh please’ I say! Just because I have not had the pleasure of screaming through 10 hours of labour or the fact that I am unfamiliar with the ‘joys’ of potty training does not make me any less of a woman than some fertile mother of five brats out there!
Switch on any of the myriad television channels and every drama shows women in the typical stereotyped wives or mothers role and the image of the single woman is that of either a conniving, loose moral temptress or that of a love-sick lady waiting for her beloved to make an honest woman out of her.
There is a serious reluctance to show positive, strong, independent role models for women since most people feel that by seeing successful women, society in general might suddenly fall apart as women will start wanting a life besides that with a husband and children. Oh no! We can’t have women enjoying anything else but the satisfaction of slaving over a hot stove for hours feeding a hungry family of husband, children and in-laws, nor must they be deprived of the pleasures of being a maid, servant, cook, nurse, counsellor and prettied up doll all put up conveniently in the package of a Pakistani wife!
If I sound irritated that’s because quite frankly I am sick and tired of being made to feel as if the choice that I have made to wait till I find the right person and get married is a wrong one.
I am also frustrated with the lack of role models I see around me and it’s not that there aren’t any, Pakistan is full of many successful single women who have achieved great success without having a man next to them, but sadly society likes to pretend as if they simply don’t exist thus depriving other women of icons to look up to and emulate and to get inspiration from.
I want to know how these talented, strong, brave women have reached the pinnacle of their success and how they have paved the path for other women to follow in their footsteps. I am bored silly with chat shows telling me about sacrificing mothers and good domesticated housewives whose only accomplishment in their lives has been to add to Pakistan’s already too high population.
I would not be lying to you if I told you I have not dreamt of wearing a spectacular bridal jora walking down the aisle decked in diamonds from head to toe nor have I looked at a smiling toddler and wondered to myself ‘what would my children look like’? But if Mr Right never finds his way to my house and gets stuck in one of Karachi’s chaotic traffic jams till finally either his mobile gets snatched or he loses my address then perhaps its a sign from heaven that there are finer things in life meant for me besides being the perfect bahu and knowing the name of every toy store in town. After all Queen Elizabeth I was a single woman and she didn’t do too badly without a man and that, too, in 16th century England, truly a woman to look up to, don’t you think?
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