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October 13, 2005
Irrational behaviour
Bina Shah explains the diverse moods of men in different situations which at times put women in a fix as they have no clue to their mysterious behaviour
Men have some very mysterious forms of behaviour that don’t always make sense to women. No woman is immune to these sorts of demeanour as they can come from any man in her life: husband, son, father, brother. All that can be said is forewarned is forearmed…
The Berlin Wall
This happens whenever he is in a bad mood and becomes completely unresponsive to anything you say or do. When asked if he wants to talk, he rebuffs you so violently that it feels like you’ve been trying to climb the Berlin Wall and he’s an East German sniper who’s got his rifle aimed straight at you. Interestingly, when he comes out of his bad mood, he develops instant amnesia and forgets that anything ever happened. Also, is completely nonplussed when you go into a hysterical fit at being expected to act as if his shabby behaviour never happened.
The daisy cutter
The male is completely quiet and calm, seemingly in a good mood. However, this is a front. You make a small request or complaint and he flares up. This is a bomb that keeps exploding.....and exploding.....and exploding... He sounds you off on everything you’ve ever done, and quite a few things you’ve never done, but for which he feels like blaming you anyway. Misdemeanours include not weeping over his dead mother’s photograph every morning, noon and night, laughing at his choice of tie, or throwing out the newspapers he’s been stacking up in the bathroom for months. Telltale signs: red face, voice above 100 dB, spluttering, complete irrationality. Do not ever, ever, ever laugh at a daisy cutter attack or you could find yourself faced with divorce papers — or death.
Deceptive appearance
This is when a man insists that he is incredibly neat and fastidious: he will take three showers a day and wash his hands all the time, insist on his dry cleaning clothes being sent or picked up every day, and alphabetizes all his CDs. On the other hand, he’s happy to throw his dirty clothes all over the floor (the hamper remains sparkling clean and empty), leave dishes everywhere imagining that the French maid will come in to pick them up overnight, and collects piles of paper, books, magazines, food wrappers, and other collectibles in every available corner.
Intellectual superiority complex
In this scenario, a man turns into Napoleon Bonaparte. He suddenly starts spewing nonsense about how God intended men to rule over women, and that women are actually less intelligent, less physically capable, and less mentally stable as a general rule. If you complain about having to do housework, suffering from menstrual cramps, or almost dying in childbirth, he says, “So? Every woman goes through it. You need to take it like a man.” Becomes selectively deaf when reminded how he cried like a baby when he caught his own thumb in the car door while rushing to work late yesterday morning.
Who, me?
When confronted with his own misdemeanours (leaving the oven on and nearly burning down the house; crashing the car; giving your favourite pair of shoes to the driver’s daughter), he simply refuses to answer any questions and justify his behaviour in any way, or even admit to any wrongdoing. Will tell one story to you and another story to a third party in order to cover his tracks. “I didn’t do it” is a catchphrase that all men learn from Bart Simpson, whether they are nine or ninety years old.
Need for speed
Turns into a maniac behind the wheel; no need for any alcohol to create this scenario. Drives like a mad, refuses to wear a seatbelt, doesn’t care if the car does a wheelie or flies on two wheels around sharp corners. Your screams of fear only serve to egg on him and at these moments he says, “Stop, you’re going to kill us both!” as a passionate mating call. If anyone dares overtake him or cut him off in this frenzy, he will chase after them and try to run them over, even if it’s an oil tanker and he is only driving a small car.
She made me do it
This is the state of mental retardation that takes over when any male is asked to explain his indiscretion or infidelity. In men’s minds, the “she” is actually the “devil” so he is hoping you will realize that he fell the victim of ultimate religious temptation (and will actually even try to blame providence for doing something bad) and failed miserably. Will cite every excuse under the sun, including “It meant nothing”, “but I love you”, and finally, “she made me do it”. This last statement is a sign that he has completely run out of options, and for once will give up his prized position of male superiority if claiming to have the IQ of a mentally handicapped person will keep you from killing him.
If any psychologist, psychiatrist, or witch doctor is out there reading this and can explain why men act like this, a nation of women will be eternally grateful for your insights.
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