April 28, 2005

The trouble is that the fitness fanatics won’t leave the rest of us alone. Don’t take a taxi, they insist; walk to work everyday. Quit smoking, eat nothing but health foods like yoghurt and yeast and you will live longer. At least, it will seem longer because life would not be exciting any more, writes Sibtain Naqvi

A man I know pulled a muscle in his back on a rowing machine. Another man banged his chin on the floor when both arms collapsed while he was doing push ups. Still another is hobbling around in a cast because he dropped a barbell on his toe. And all these accidents do not include the sports injuries or muscle cramps due to over flexing of reluctant muscles.

This new physical culture cult is piling up casualties across the country. Everybody’s trying to fit in his clothes well and the clothing merchants are always one step ahead by bringing in slimmer and slimmer outfits. All you hear these days is the creak of straining joints and crack of flexing knees, punctuated by the dull thud of another victim who has lost his grip on the parallel bars.

Groups of middle aged health addicts assemble at dawn in sweat suits and sneakers, all set to sally forth for a brisk jog around the park. All but me. When it comes to jogging, I see no point in running here and there when one can do stationary jogging. The problem with that theory is that I see even less point in running and getting nowhere, so I justify myself into just watching other people puff and pant.

The trouble is that the fitness fanatics won’t leave the rest of us alone. Don’t take a taxi, they insist; walk to work everyday. Ignore the elevator, climb stairs. Spend your lunch hour playing tennis or squash. Do your own chores when you get home at night. Spade the garden and mow the lawn. Quit drinking tea or coffee, cut out smoking, eat nothing but health foods like yoghurt and yeast and you will live longer. At least, it will seem longer because none of the above sounds very exciting.

The fanatics have the facts and figures to prove it, too. They will reel off the statistics on the life expectancy of people who don’t keep in shape, or whip out a chart showing the relationship between lack of exercise and hormone deficiency, which causes the knees to bend backwards. A fitness programme will not only increase your vitality, they argue, but will keep you from sagging in front or lagging behind. Try it for a month, and your friends won’t even know you. What’s more, they won’t want to.

I wouldn’t mind it so much if the fanatics weren’t so smug. There’s nobody more condescending than a bicep buff, virtuously sipping tomato juice at a food party while assuring the other guests that he thinks nothing of starting off his day by guzzling down a dozen raw eggs and then embarking on a three-mile run (Frankly, I don’t think much of it myself). He looks for any opportunity to bend his arms or puff out his chest hoping someone will notice his bloated muscles.

Well, I admit that the shape I am in leaves much to be desired. My physique is not outstanding, except around the middle; I have a tendency to slump where I ought to bulge; and I haven’t touched my toes since I was a toddler. My arms are soft. My feet hurt. But the last straw came when a 60-year-old grandfather creamed me during a friendly tennis match.

My first problem was to decide which programme to follow. The eight-minute abs routine or the six minutes chest workout? The main workout that my body got was tossing a coin to decide on the best one for me. One friend suggested that I start off with a series of setting-up exercises: twenty push ups, ten sit-ups and to finish it all one big throw-up. Someone else urged me to buy a set of barbells (By the way what ever became of the old fashioned dumbbells?).

Buying some exercise equipment turned into a voyage of scientific discovery seeing all these bizarre machines and contraptions, all of which promised to have you looking like Michelangelo’s David in less time than it takes to eat a donut. Anyhow, no sooner had I converted my bedroom into a home gymnasium, complete with wall-pulls and vibrators and invested in a sauna bath, than all my friends insisted that I should add a few hours of exercise in the open air.

One expert advocated scuba diving; another claimed that the latest thing was mountain climbing. After listening carefully to their advice, I tallied up the time I would have to spend each day getting physically fit. My programme had to have weight training, cardiovascular exercises and maybe a sport or two. Including 18 holes of golf and a team bath and massage, which all the experts agreed on, I found that the total came to 23 and three-fouth hours, leaving me approximately with a grand total of 15 minutes to read my email, study, say hello to the family and catch a few winks of sleep before tomorrow’s workout.

So, in self-defense, I have developed a health plan of my own, I call it the Lazy Boy Physical Unfitness Programme 3000 (LBPUP 3000 for short). Instead of setting up exercises, my plan, outlined here, substitutes a sitting down exercise. The only requirements are a comfortable easy chair under the fan or near the air conditioner, a foot rest and a pair of house slippers.

Step one: Stand erect with back to chair. Place each hand on an arm of chair or sofa behind you, palms downward. Take deep breaths, flex knees, and lower yourself until your rear is planted solidly on the seat cushion. Exhale. This exercise may be repeated as many times during the day as the number and timings of the TV programmes the person wishes to watch.

Step two: Extend both legs out before you, and elevate them onto the foot stool. Do not use your hands to lift your feet unless necessary. Exhale and if tired out by the strenuous pace, then just sit there taking deep breaths and humming your favourite song.

Step three: Lean backwards so that you rest against the rear of the sofa or easy chair, close both eyes, and let your lower jaw sag until your mouth is hanging open. Breathe in and out gently. If someone in the room is talking, increase your volume to a low but steady snore.

There are certain variations to this sitting-down exercise designed to benefit other parts of your body. For example, beckoning someone to fetch your book will strengthen your forefinger. Holding a newspaper open before you will develop your upper arms. Pushing the buttons on the TV remote will make your thumbs strong and these strong thumbs will prove invaluable in holding a sandwich. Tilting a glass of coke or a cup of tea to your lips, now and then, builds up your wrists.

Reverse the above directions whenever you get up to fix another snack, or to turn down the lights or answer the phone. Feel free to experiment as this workouts is for your maximum benefit and pleasure. If you feel you have had enough workouts for one day, lean back and let the phone ring. Probably it’s just another health addict calling anyway.

Please Visit our Sponsor (Ads open in separate window)