April 21, 2005

A number of deaths among her loved ones forced her to ponder over the meaning of life and death. Bina Shah describes what she learnt from these experiences

In the last few weeks, quite a few people that I know have died. First was an aunt and uncle of mine on the mother’s side, then the father of a family friend, and now another uncle related to me through marriage. The relatives were in their sixties, while the father of the family friend was in his eighties.

I don’t have anything profound to say about these deaths because there is nothing that has not been said before. Death comes to all of us and there’s no way of avoiding it; all you can really do is hope and pray that you will have the strength to face it when it comes to you.

You tell the grieving families that their loved ones are now at peace and may God have mercy on them in the afterlife. These are rituals that, we, as a society, have developed in order to cocoon ourselves from the reality of death: the finality of burial, the careful handling of the body, the seriousness of the funeral prayers. Human beings need activity, preferably one that is prescribed and familiar, in order to carry on with daily living in the face of the tremendous loss of a family member.

Everyone has mixed feelings about death, but it’s possible that we learn something more about it the more we see it around us. It affects us in so many different ways, whether it’s the witnessing of absolute devastation, as with natural disasters, or indirectly, such as when someone we know has died.

We can see death either as a great tragedy, such as in the Asian tsunami, or when a young person dies in an unnecessary accident, or as a great release, as in the case of someone who is undergoing a long and painful illness. Death has many faces which are all equally complex and difficult to observe.

Although going to people and offering support at the time of a death is a very important part of our culture, it’s not always one that is the most pleasant task to perform. However, I found that going to pay condolences was not as depressing an event as I feared it would be. I was afraid I’d find people weeping and being upset and that I would feel upset in turn, as I’ve always been very sensitive to other people’s emotions.

Instead, I found people sitting and talking about their loved ones, remembering their good times, their habits, the way they used to talk, the things they would say. We laughed over the jokes that they used to make and the eccentric habits some of them had. We sympathized with those who were left behind and we hugged those who were suffering and in pain and grief. We couldn’t really say anything beyond the usual platitudes, but we did offer a strong shoulder and a friendly hand to hold.

What struck me about these deaths, however, was the incredible strength of the people that the dying ones had left behind. They were incredibly grief-stricken, and seemed to me so fragile and vulnerable, as if their loss had taken away an outer layer of their skin.

In fact, some of them even appeared physically more transparent, or perhaps it was the fact that their emotions had been brought to the surface and they were not able to hide how they were feeling. The loss they had suffered was so overwhelming that it was there on their faces, chests and shoulders for the entire world to see.

And yet they weren’t ashamed of their grief. They wore it proudly, just as proudly as they did the memories of those whom they had lost. They allowed themselves to weep but they also allowed themselves to smile and laugh. After the first shock and the heavy cloud of despair have struck, there is a lifting of the spirits that occurs at first very slightly, and then more and more often. This allows to reach for what is left behind and makes life still worth living.

This is probably the best way for someone to start to make their way through the fog of sorrow and depression that engulfs one after a death.

Although many people want to shield their children from difficult times like these, the presence of children and infants at these family gatherings is something that helps to distract the mourners from the burden of grief. A crying baby will need soothing and attention, and it’s good to focus on the baby for a while, to remind yourself of the immediacy of the world that is still going on around you.

A small child may ask questions which are painful to answer, but you still find some comfort in being able to be a wise teacher to the little ones, who need us to guide them through this life. Older children and adolescents are also in need of comfort, though they understand the concept of death they are emotionally not quite ready to deal with its consequences.

Adults can play a role in helping children to come to terms with loss and grief, making the blow more gentle to their younger family members, and in a way, making themselves feel that they are being of some use at a time when people actually feel at their most helpless.

I cannot emphasize enough what a comfort religion is at a time like this. Sometimes I think the only thing that gets people through death is the hope that the person you loved and lost has gone to be with God.

The grief-stricken that I observed over these past few weeks made prayers. At free moments you could see them whispering prayers under their breaths, and whenever they spoke to another person they exhorted him to pray for the departed one’s soul.

They also took comfort from the fact of their loved one’s faith in God, and blanket themselves with the knowledge that the person they loved and lost was a good human being who always strove to please God, and for that reason God will hopefully be kind to them wherever they are now.

Is death the end of the road or only the beginning to a new and mysterious journey closer to a higher power? I wish I had the answer to that question. All I can say is that it’s best to treat death as a learning experience, as much as anything else that you will experience in life.

Make yourself as helpful as you can to the people who are dealing with it first-hand. I’m not really sure how much of it they will remember after the crisis has passed, but you will remember everything, and hopefully what you remember will give you the courage to deal with it when it comes to your door.

Most of all, remember that even in the weakest moments we all have reservoirs of strength that exist both within us and in the form of the people that surround us. Make your peace with all of them and treat them well in this life so that when they go, both you and they have nothing to regret.

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