January 8, 2004

A military family faces many challenges as they are on the go from one posting to another, writes Gul Zahra Jamshed

A military family’s life poses many challenges. It isn’t easy to move from a city where you have made your home, made your friends, got used to liking or disliking your teachers and got familiar with your surroundings. Finding the heart to leave it all behind and set forth to a new home can be quite exasperating. However, if relocation apprehensions are handled with wisdom and an open mind, one can pretty much counteract all negative aspects.

The challenge of a new military posting is demanding for the entire family and it brings on many new responsibilities for everyone. Every individual —including the kids — handles them in his own way. Nothing about a separation is uncomplicated, but there are many ways to keep it from becoming more complicated.

During a deployment, the most difficult aspect one faces is dealing with the kids. For this, constant assurances are required. Children can experience many of the same reactions as their parents and will need help in dealing with and understanding these feelings. Parents need to keep their kids involved in the move. Most of all, parents will need to be patient.

Sohail, 19, reflected on his life as a military child. “My dad was in the army for 26 years, 18 of which I spent in different cities; we moved every two years,” he said. “In every school I felt like a stranger, although they all had similar course outlines. The teachers were demanding and less understanding of a child who joined a class in the middle of the year.”

Rabia 20, said: “I did the two years of my matric in three cities. I started ninth grade in Sargodha, completed it in Islamabad; started 10th grade there and gave my finals in Karachi. I had three different copy sets for each subject and the teachers of whichever city I’d end up in would refuse to accept my notes from the previous school because they’d either be incomplete or too far behind. It was crazy keeping up with other students. I always felt like I was the only one who faced this dilemma every time.”

Asad, 15, seemed visibly annoyed when narrating his experiences. “I hate making friends now,” he said. “I know I’m going to move the next year, so why bother? I hate my teachers too; they don’t like it when I tell them that I don’t know what they’re talking about. I’m always two steps behind every student. It bothers me.”

Here, with proper guidance and understanding, one can get children to overcome their qualms associated with moving and get them to see the brighter aspects. The parent at home should try his or her best to remain positive and help their children in catching up on school work and extra curricular activities, which should be encouraged. If one parents moves to the new city ahead of his or her family, he or she could keep in touch with their children and reassure them of their new surroundings. It is also imperative for children to understand the nature of their parent’s job.

“It’s not really all that fun,” said 17-year-old Faheem. “The board exams are pretty tough and studying for them after moving to a new city can be very challenging. However, that’s what keeps me on my toes. I find the matter quite testing and I give it my best. Thankfully I’m not pressured by my parents on getting star marks, but they do expect me to give my best at whatever I do. And I always try to make them proud.”

Mobeen, 14, shared his experience. “I love postings — and I’m so used to them that I can’t bear to stay in one city more than a year-and-a-half. I get to meet all those new people, new teachers to bug and pranks to play. How can one not like moving? It’s like starting over again and again. Though I miss my old friends and stay in touch with them through chat, but I still love this life.”

Mothers and wives, however, view this differently. Children may move from one school to another, military wives have different dilemmas. For them it’s a matter of moving a whole house and socializing all over again.

Mobeen’s mother didn’t understand how her son loved the constant moving. “To me, it’s like leaving home every time. Though it can be quite interesting to decorate a different house each time and make it comfortable and warm for the family but still you kind of end up loving the house in a couple of months and wish you could stay here longer.”

Mrs Amjad shared the same sentiments. “It used to take so much love and care turning a barren house into a haven. Although there was some excitement when my husband was posted, it was also overwhelming to start all over again. My husband is retired now and we’ve built our own home so I’m relieved that we’re finally settled.”

Asma, who married an army man six months ago and is now expecting a baby, said “because my husband is in Siachin for six months, it is quite challenging. When I got engaged, I kept telling myself that life would be like this but I still feel somewhat gloomy. I have yet to sit with him for more than an hour without seeing him all rushed about by his seniors. I want a settled life more for him than for myself.”

However, it is not all gloom and doom. With a proper perspective on a soldier’s life, love for the uniformed man in your family and an open heart, you can not only get to enjoy moving but also have your children see to their benefit of adaptation and friendship.

“My family and I are beginning yet another excellent adventure together,” said the wife of a wing commander. “It seems even though we have known about this move for some time, it still caught us by surprise. We have contacted people in all the cities we will be traveling through.” This kind of planning can be turned into a family project involving one’s children as it makes it very exciting for them.

Another wife of a military man said: “I remember our first deployment, over a decade ago. I was new to the area, newly wed and new to the military. I did whatever I could to be a part of the groups of women who were “in the same boat” as myself. I rarely felt alone and if I did it was my own fault. There were picnics, ladies nights out, movies, dinners, outings, etc. Involvement was the key to relieving loneliness.”

In Mrs Javaid’s experience, honesty is always the best policy. “Just as we plan to look for a new place to live, say adieu to friends, the children too have to do the same. Sometimes, in our hurry, and perhaps feeling sorry for ourselves, we fail to remember our kids, or that they are feeling the same things we are. By beginning as soon as possible, you can attempt to make the transition to a new area easier for the entire family.”

“I do not consider being a military spouse a heroic deed,” said Mrs Jamal. “I consider it an honour to be married to a man who just happens to be in the military. I do not wish to be pitied or questioned, and I especially do not want to be envied. We are a family who faces the same day to day trials as any other family. Every once in a while we have a little something extra thrown in and we deal with that too.”

“The moving tends to bother me a little more,” said Mrs Khalid. “However, I tend to get what we now affectionately call the “two year itch” which is when I want to move again. With the kids now in school, the moves are much more difficult, but we get through them. I have been fortunate to make many good friends at every posting — many of whom are lifetime friends. Many friends don’t understand why I would keep packing up and following my husband all over but I can’t understand why one would want to stay behind.”

Preparation is extremely important and should begin long before departure. The Internet can help facilitate the process. From being able to e-mail people, to looking up where the ship, squadron or battalion is located the Internet has given those of us left behind more information — good or bad.

It’s tough to move within the same country, but to move abroad where one has to deal with foreign cultures, languages etc. should particularly be handled with care.

The first place Amina’s family visits after they receive orders to their next destination is the library. They check out books and even videos about their next destination. Her parents let the kids see the marvellous prospects at their new home — and maybe even a few side trips along the way. Even more exciting is the move to another country.

A father in the air force shared his views: “Relationships with children are much like plants, they need constant nourishing. Sometimes the last thing on your mind is nurturing the relationships with your children who are at a distance. It takes a lot of time and effort to think of fun and creative activities that you can do at a distance with your children. And extra time isn’t something that a lot of us have.”

It is easy to understand why moving isn’t easy for military families, even though they are given a fair amount of a grant from the government which families should avail of to make life somewhat easier.

Some names have been changed.

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