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January 1, 2004
Stop staring!
Men — and women alike — do not follow the proper etiquette when it comes to making others uncomfortable by fixing their eyes on them, writes Erum Ahmed
Amne, 52, says: “Eye-balling each other appears to be a cultural phenomenon. According to my experience it is a common practice in our homeland. Perhaps the main reason is that we are particularly told to restrain from gazing ourselves. Maybe that eggs us on. In most western countries as we know them, staring is considered rude. But not here.”
Aliya, 16, has no problem with staring whatsoever. “We all go out, my friends and I, to gaze at boys. The boys have a funny name for it too, chaane-baazi. The girl among us who’s stared back at most, is inevitably the star. She’s most popular, and happy to be stared at.”
Farha, 24, took up the veil. “The first day I went out with my head covered, I was the dream of every pedestrian and the desired object of every rickshaw driver. No more did young men of the upper or middle class gawk at me. I was for the eyes of the poorer men now. They were used to the veil already. Their women took it up at the onset of puberty, and they still eyed women impudently. I couldn’t act like a film heroine to ask, ‘What are you staring at?’ let alone slap them across the face the way they do in the movies.”
Saima, 22, gave up the veil for this reason. She says, “It was a matter of honour. Nobody wants to be devoured by those for whom illiteracy leaves no way to know right from wrong, especially when I don’t trust the law and order situation because I have been taught not to. Could I ever call the police because eyes are staring at me constantly even while I have my back towards them?” She adds with suppressed hilarity, “The police would’ve guffawed, if not goggled some more to add to my misery.”
The educated men understand this issue faced by the women of Pakistan. Azam, 26, a Pakistani man born and brought up in the UAE, believes that, “it is difficult to be a woman in Pakistan. You cannot walk on the street alone most of the time. Well, it is difficult to do so here as well. Try letting a woman out on the streets of a posh area in Abu Dhabi, chances are she will be hooted at. Dubai is worse in this respect.”
Farid, a gentleman of 56, is a ponderer. “I am not talking about the liberation of women or them not being liberated. Personally I have never thought much of it because Islam is a modern religion that’s left no room for the racket nowadays about feminism and who knows what else. Know your Book, and live your life accordingly-this is what I have gathered. But, coming to the point, weren’t women asked to spend most of their time in the home in the first place? Or am I mistaken? The Saudi laws for women may be rather stringent; I am sure a woman should be able to walk across the street to meet a friend by herself. How big is the risk that she’d be molested? Ok, if there is a risk, I wouldn’t advise it. Nevertheless, I will never refuse to believe that Islam is not lenient and compassionate, and it doesn’t teach that women should be confined.”
Amne agrees with her husband’s thoughts. “Educate the masses, that’s all I can say, although everyone knows this already. Mind you, even educated people stare at each other. Maybe the solution is to ingrain in our collective conscience that ‘staring is rude,’ as a substitute for ‘staring is refreshing.’ If the West established this without reading the Quran, why can’t we, the believers, do the same?”
Collective conscience is a term coined by Emile Durkheim, a French sociologist. This conscience is the moral consensus that is violated by deviant acts. Today, the media is very strong, needless to say. The television rules. On TV, we commonly observe and admire appealing, independent women walking on the streets. How independent are they? How independent are men? Evidently, none of us can be absolutely independent because we are individually accountable to something much larger than ourselves.
According to Durkheim, society transcends the individual, and people’s beliefs, values, dispositions, and desires are often products of social forces and structures they poorly understand.
The collective conscience is created in schools, and pricked by the media, the television and writers. Therefore, it is changeable-good news for those who think that we aren’t doing everything right as a society and beneficial changes would be much appreciated.
And whereas Durkheim looked upon the individual as more or less powerless in comparison with society, L. Ron Hubbard, the father of Scientology that Tom Cruise has been said to be a follower of, added the spark to the good news above by stating that an individual should “master and adjust” his environment rather than adjusting to the environment.
He believes that it is folly to perceive that we as individuals are powerless to adjust our situations and must “adjust to” them-good news to the true heroes and heroines of tomorrow, struggling today against injustice, immorality or simply powerlessness.
Consider Saima who feels she’s “hounded by woman-gazers” against whom she’s waging a battle in her home first. “It is horrendous the way the servants in my house gape at me just because they have seen in Indian films that a chauffeur or housekeeper can fall in love with the boss’ daughter, and can elope with her. Those who cannot read find it convenient to watch television, and this is what they learn. I was delighted when President Musharraf banned Indian channels. But then, were I to watch Pakistani films, I would learn the same, right? ‘Gawking at each other’ is harassment to me, and I, as an individual, would not like to contribute to this sort of collectiveness which cannot be said to be moral anyhow.”
Saima’s father thinks that his daughter exaggerates. “She continuously asks me to fire this retainer or that. It is all in her mind, I believe, because she reads big books, her mind traveling here and there. My wife asks her to concentrate on important matters in her life instead, like getting married.
“All women should be married; only then can they find their real place in life, for don’t we all catch butterflies at one time or another in our lives? In the same way, women, by nature are attractive, are looked upon as butterflies by the people until and unless they are married and obtain that required protection in wedlock.”
His wife gets edgy about their daughter’s fears, “If the men in our country stare and stare, don’t the women too? Apparently, yes. Goggling is more infectious in Lahore than it is in Karachi anyway. And most women feel that they must turn their heads when a beautiful woman passes by them. Why? Aren’t we all doing it then? Staring all the time?”
Saima, confident that ‘staring at each other’ is a problem as it infuriates her, says,“if I were a teacher, I would make sure that when I am reading a story to my literature class and come across a plain woman on the page, I ask my students, ‘What happens if this woman walks beside you on the street or in front of you or behind you? Would a person of character turn his face especially to gawk at her?’”
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