December 11, 2003

Leaving home or being away from one’s family can be a traumatic experience, and the longing for home which follows can become serious if not properly handled. Shabnam Nasir suggests ways in which one can cope

It does not matter whether a person lives in a villa or a village hut — home is home — and there’s no place like it. It is a place where we derive comfort and refuge from, and its very existence acts as a shield from the harshness of the outside world. For many people, their home offers them a place that represents protection, an abundance of loved ones, and familiar surroundings.

A home, for most people, symbolizes the centre of their being and represents security and shelter. Whether child or adult, the attachment to ‘home’ always has a significant impact on a person’s life, and when at any stage, they have to leave the place they have always lived in, they may become a victim of homesickness.

Psychologists term homesickness as ‘separation anxiety’ and according to them everyone is prone to experiencing it. Degrees of homesickness vary, depending on the individual concerned and the specific situation they are in.

Children are much more prone to becoming homesick than adults, as obviously they have spent more of their life with their parents. Students, especially at the college or university level, are also prone to high levels of homesickness especially if they have to go abroad to continue their studies.

The further a person is from home and the more different the surroundings they find themselves in, will definitely add to their dilemma. In fact, adults and business executives are not spared from this condition, and whether they admit it or not, even your average, jet set business tycoon will be pining for the comfort of their home during a tiring tour overseas.

How much a person is attached to their home life is also a main factor for becoming homesick. Individuals who have spent the majority of their life living away from home will have probably encountered some aspects of homesickness at an early age, and overcome them accordingly.

Furthermore, children who have had an unhappy childhood or witnessed parents being abusive will definitely regard ‘home’ as a place where they have much fewer feelings of security than others.

Animals get homesick too. If a pet has to change residence for any reason at all, you will see a marked change in their behaviour. Dogs, amongst many other pets, are especially prone to experiencing ‘separation anxiety’, and if they are left in kennels they often ‘cry’, or refuse to eat and show other signs of extreme sadness. In fact, many zoos today are working hard to create a natural habitat so their animals feel less homesick.

The main issue involved in homesickness is the phenomenon of separation. When a person is away from the people and places they have always been associated with, and the sights and sounds they have always been used to — they can be in for an emotional and cultural shock.

“Homesickness is more than just a word for it really is a state of mind,” observed Ali Masood, a student who recently moved to Oxford, England. “Just close your eyes, imagine yourself far away from home, sitting in a room that is all you have as your jurisdiction, plus you don’t have a lot of familiar faces around you when you go out, this is enough to give you a fairly accurate idea of what it’s like to be homesick.”

It has been just two months since Ali left Islamabad, and he says that he has had phases when he was quite sad at being away from home. However, he adds that the condition does tend to wear off once you are thrown into the tough schedule that university life demands. “Being homesick is another thing, but being homesick in weather as depressing as that of England makes it worse,” states Ali. “As I had been to England before, I was prepared for the dreary weather at this time of year, but then on the other hand Oxford is a really beautiful place, so that makes up for the gloomy weather.”

Ali commented that when he came to Oxford the first thing he did to reduce his feelings of homesickness was to make lots of friends. “There are lots of really interesting people here from all over the world. It is important to open up and talk to other people,” he says. “This really makes a difference in missing things about your home. The internet does help too, and calling up home is a good idea. Also, my mother is visiting me at the moment so that makes me feel better,” he added.

Ali went on to say that obviously the more work and assignments he has to do, the more the feeling of being homesick subsides. Many universities have counseling centres, where they offer advice to overseas students and try to provide them with ways to alleviate homesickness.

If you are a student who has traveled abroad and feel that your particular case of homesickness is prolonging or is beginning to affect your studies, then it is a good idea to talk to someone who can help. However, whether you are a student or not, a few good tips can help to reduce the symptoms of feeling homesick wherever they arise.

* Don’t keep denying to yourself that you are feeling homesick. It is a perfectly natural reaction to being away from everything that you have been used to in life. Admit that you have the strength to deal with your problem; otherwise symptoms may arise in the form of headaches, lack of motivation, stomach aches or fatigue. Homesickness can also lead to depression.

* Make friends with other people around you. The more acquaintances you make and the more people you get to know, will give you a sense of belonging in your new environment.

* Make sure that you take photographs and other things from home, to your new destination. Placing some pictures of your loved ones in your room can be very comforting.

* If you know someone else who has recently moved away from home ask them how they handled being in a new place.

* Take a walk around your new surroundings and become familiar with the places that surround you. Do some sight seeing if possible and look around the local shopping centre. Join a library so you can spend some time relaxing with a few books. If there are other activities available that appeal to you join them at once.

* Call home and keep in touch with your loved ones through the internet. However, do not make this into an obsession or you’ll never want to get off the phone which will cost you a lot of money, and eventually make you feel worse.

* Make some sort of a plan as to when you will go home for a holiday. This will make you feel better and help you to stay motivated. Moving to a new place is not an easy task. When a change in residence involves travelling a great distance away from home or moving to a new country and a different culture, the more likely it is that you will become homesick.

Hans B. Bremer came from Germany to live in Pakistan two-and-a-half years ago. Although he says that he was not homesick at all during the first two years, he feels that now things are changing. “I do not really know the actual reason for my feeling so unusually homesick,” he says.

“I recently went back home for a holiday but I am still feeling this way. Before I decided to live here I had visited Pakistan from time to time, so I was not really a victim of any sort of culture shock,” he adds.

While he can compromise with physical inconveniences, he says, it is other factors that are affecting him. “I know that one element which is making it really difficult for me to settle down here is the ever increasing lying and cheating that I encounter in ordinary, everyday life.

“For example just take the simple case of my cable operator. I hardly get 10 days of proper service, and then I am on the phone complaining about either the unacceptable reception of the different channels, or I find myself sitting in front of a blank screen.

“When my cable provider comes over to get paid, he acts indifferently to all my complaints, and does not care at all that one of his customers is so frustrated at the service he is providing. This is just a small example of how I really get frustrated by people who are trying to deceive me.”

You don’t have to leave your country and go abroad to feel homesick. Just moving to another city can bring an immense change in mood and feelings, especially if your new destination is in total contrast to where you were living before.

Shahid Jamal who has recently moved from Karachi to work in Islamabad admits that he still misses his previous lifestyle. “It’s not just the new surroundings, but even the different ‘smell’ in the air that makes me homesick. Although Islamabad is known for its cleanliness and organization, I tend to miss the commotion and pollution of Karachi.

“Even the traffic here is so completely different to what I am accustomed, and I suppose the most important reason for being homesick is the fact that all my family are back in Karachi.”

Shahid observed that when he arrived in Islamabad he hardly had any friends and was quite concerned about life in this new city. He commented that when he starts thinking about his friends back home he is overcome with nostalgia. “I basically feel like I’m in exile when I’m in any city other than Karachi. Whenever someone points out my distinct Urdu accent and states that I must be from Karachi (which happens all the time), it really gets to me,” he says.

“Also when it’s time to go home for a holiday, the days before leaving somehow make me feel worse. I would say that the best way to pull yourself out of being homesick is to socialize more and make some friends, but above all, it is most important to keep yourself busy. I suppose that while I am adjusting to the different lifestyles I am acting as a ‘bridge’ between the city of lights and this dull city. It is also important to deal with this situation without taking medication,” he adds.

 

Dealing with separation

Remember, it’s not just the person going away from home who is going to find it hard adjusting into a new lifestyle. The people who are left behind also usually find it difficult to overcome feelings of depression, and an acute sense of loss from the separation of a loved one.

A family member who is leaving soon becomes occupied with travel arrangements and preparations for settling into a new abode, whereas the family back home who are still following their regular routine have to get used to being minus a loved one.

“It took me countless months to accept the fact that Asim had left,” says his mother, Samina Mansoor. “I kept setting the table for four people at every meal, and if anyone tried to remove the plate I had placed where he used to sit, I would get really upset.”

Asim is the oldest of two sons and he had left the family nest to pursue a career in engineering in England. The Mansoor family is very close knit which made it harder on them to deal with the separation of their son.

“I never went anywhere without my family so we had never experienced being apart before,” says Samina, “But when Asim left, I felt as though a part of my heart had been torn out of my chest. I know I should not have felt the separation so badly, as nowadays a lot of children leave to study abroad, it’s just that I never realized that his leaving would affect me so deeply,” she added.

“As it was my first trip out of the country, I had a real culture shock,” says Asim. “I remember being totally disoriented and feeling completely out of place. Even though I had been really excited about going to university here, when I arrived I just couldn’t absorb all the changes that had suddenly hit me in the face.

“The thing that upset me the most was not being able to eat the food I was used to, and to speak in my own language. Now that I’ve been here for a couple of months though, things are 80 per cent better. I have made some really nice friends and I go out sight seeing which I really enjoy. There’s a lot going on here and after the initial phase of settling down passes, things improve,” explained Asim. “Whatever the differences though, I would trade one of my mum’s kebabs for these fish fingers any day,” he laughs.

 

Coming back home

For some people the lure of their hometown can prove so powerful that they actually decide to pack up everything for various reasons, and return to their original habitat. There have been many cases when families who have been comfortably settled abroad, eventually opt to tracing back their roots, and return to the place that they were initially so eager to leave.

Saima Pervaiz was living in the US since she got married, but has now moved back to settle down in Lahore. Although her husband was earning a good salary and they were enjoying a comfortable life, she said that homesickness coupled with depression had ultimately made life unbearable for her.

“I was born into a very large and close family, and when I got married seven years ago, I was really excited at the prospect of going abroad to live with my husband in the US. In the beginning I was not really homesick at all,” she says, “But it was after about a year and when I had my first child, that I was overcome with feelings of depression and an awful feeling of homesickness, so much so that I suffered from an unbearable longing to be back in Lahore with my family.”

Saima disclosed that as her baby was growing up she became obsessed with the fact that her family back home were missing out on all the important years of her child’s life. “I was constantly calling home and saying, ‘Ammi, Naima took her first step today,’ or ‘Hey she said mama for the first time.’

“And then after talking to everyone at home I would finally put down the receiver, and I would be overwhelmed by an inexplicable feeling of sadness that just would not go away. People around us were friendly, but then that’s all they were — just people.

“They meant nothing to me and it was ok to smile and talk about the weather with them, but who could I talk to about the way I felt? Adeel, my husband, was working long hours, and I really felt lonely without the extended family unit I had grown up in and had always relied on. Believe me, in Lahore it is quite unusual for a person to get depressed because they have nowhere to go or no one to talk too,” she explained.

Saima’s condition gradually deteriorated to the point where she became house bound and started experiencing panic attacks every time she tried to venture out of her home. After she consulted a doctor, she was referred to a clinical psychologist who tried various methods of therapy.

“In the end my doctor suggested I needed a change of climate and that a trip home would be a good idea. When I arrived at the airport in Lahore, I felt as though my life had been given back to me.”

Adeel, Saima’s husband, was acutely aware of his wife’s predicament and after realizing that she would not be able to adjust in her new surroundings, finally made the decision to move back. “There was really no point in me nagging Saima to learn to get used to our totally new way of life, because when you really love someone, you can’t watch them suffer due to a situation that can be changed. Yes, I had a great job and career wise things were really looking up, but that lost its charm when life at home was falling apart,” says Adeel.

“Although we had a few really good friends it would have made a difference if there had been a few relatives living close by. Then, I think things would have been different. Of course I had no trouble in moving back here, because at heart I am also a pukka Lahori’. I am now joining my family business so that has secured our financial worries,” he said reassuringly.

One universal conclusion is that no matter how much we take our homes for granted, it is the constant factor in our lives that provides us with the very essence of our existence. It is the unwavering place that has given us our roots, and when children have grown and flown the family nest, it is the place that they know they can come back to without any conditions. So it’s true — there’s no place like home.

* Some names have been changed

Home, the spot of earth supremely blest, A dearer, sweeter spot than all the rest — Robert Montgomery — S.N.