June 12, 2003

There are many faces to the emotion called love, some of which can be quite destructive, writes Myra K

We often hear of couples — even friends seeking a relationship — complaining of the highs and lows of relationships. On beginning a friendship with a person of the opposite sex, one generally expects certain problems and adjustments, but it is generally taken to be understood that it will be worth the effort in the end.

Unfortunately, for some, it ends up becoming more than that — a wild rollercoaster ride charged with negative emotional experiences one after the other. It is traumatic for one partner, the victim, and thrilling for the other partner, the batterer.

The emotional and mental abuse one experiences in a relationship such as this — usually from a presumably dominating partner — not only mentally, but in extreme cases physically, cripples a person who was once a strong, capable and confident individual. It can taint a person’s thinking, destroy the ego, pride and self-worth.

Judgmental as this may seem, is it worthwhile making someone love you in order to destroy them, kill their confidence and leave them completely disillusioned with something as beautiful as love?

Despite heartbreaks, one does survive emotional battering. The human psyche has an amazing, natural resilience to endure emotional or physical trauma, to block and bounce back. The key is to believe in ourselves. The process of healing can sometimes be difficult, but it’s not impossible.

How does love battering start and eventually leave a toll? Take, for example, a woman who is attractive, self-assured, financially independent and popular. Take also the example of a man who is not only attractive and ambitious, but also financially independent and who probably gives a woman the feeling of being ‘the one’.

The confident woman may not come across as easily gullible and so would need to be wooed. Most women, and men, too, are susceptible to flattery — flowers, little moments of sincerity and a constant bombardment of compliments conveying feelings only an adoring lover would give.

The next step is when the guy starts calling or you call, just to say a casual “hello.” Once both start talking, then come the meetings. She starts thinking they’re on the same planet, moving towards a common goal. He, however, is on a different plain. She then impatiently starts to push him for an emotional commitment. The minute the words “I love you” leave her lips, she’s sealed the deal on their relationship. He’s got her hooked, ready to be reeled in at his disposal.

If the affair ends abruptly, temporary insanity ensues, the fear of losing a loved one seeps in. The fear can also push a person over the edge. But once you’re out of his clutches, remember to live each day moment to moment. Only time can ease emotional pain.

Ego, pride and self-worth take more time to heal, but if you’ve come this far and survived, you’re on the right track. And besides, no man or woman should deserve the satisfaction of destroying another.

As a friend, who is a cruiser, once said, “It’s the game and challenge of getting the impossible. Men love being treated badly. Rule of the jungle: man likes to be the hunter, not the hunted.’’ Some men may take exception to this, taking it as a direct hit at their egos, but many will agree with the general principle behind it.

Men, however, cannot solely be blamed; women may also fall in the category of batterers. In the case of Bina, Sarim proposed to her three times before he finally realized she had no intention of accepting it, and was just keeping him on a leash. She was on her way to getting married to another man.

In a twist of fate, when one of Bina’s friends, Alya, accepted Sarim’s proposal, she accused Alya of betraying her. Bina was already married by then and had told Alya many times before that she had no intention of ever marrying Sarim.

According to the age-old advice by many a mother, which also actually works: never let a man know you love him till he says “I do”, and then keep him on a dosage.

Mystery is what draws and keeps a man by a woman’s side. Advice from well-meaning men and women nowadays who’ve weathered relationships is that a love batterer will also use the very same ‘I love you’ disclosure.

They view others as a possession, whether they want them or not, they’re theirs to do with as they please.

Once they know they are in control, they love to overpower. Once they are bored or fear the demand for commitment, or realize they can’t fool around anymore since the relationship might have social repercussions in the long run, they decide to stop playing the game.

Thus, the calls and much-begged-for meetings stop. The scene changes at his/her behest and the other follows because by now they’re being puppeteered.

The batterer loves the fact that it looks good on his/her record to be seen as the one who’s being chased. They’ll make sure there are people around to witness (mostly their friends) the humiliation when he/she receives calls ‘desperately’ wanting to know why he/she has suddenly decided to ignore the other.

They’ll always say that their intentions were interpreted wrongly; that he/she was ‘just being friendly’.

They could also keep the victim hanging forever, unless he/she realizes that they are being taken advantage of. He/she encourages remaining in touch on certain terms and conditions, such as monetary gifts and or innuendos, in conversations.

Sometimes love batterers also put down physical attributes and mental abilities. Making insulting remarks such as “You’re irritating me”, “You’re abnormal — fat/thin”, “You dress badly”, etc, to embarrass the other. The question which should be put to them is if that was the case, why weren’t they dumped in the first place?

A case in point is of Farah who once called up her ‘friend’ who was out of town, only to be told by him: “I’m busy.” She heard a female voice in the background and asked him about it. He replied that he was going out for lunch with a girlfriend.

The reply shocked her. Though she wasn’t the jealous type, she couldn’t understand whether it was betrayal or simply misinformation. “Once we decided to meet up at a party. It was in the earlier days of our friendship. I was very happy that day. Initially, I had refused to be seen publicly with him, as I was hoping for a commitment and wasn’t too sure the relationship would grow into one. That evening, I felt he cared and my fears about the relationship seemed groundless. While he was driving me back home after the party, he told me he was involved with someone else, and was getting engaged in a couple of weeks. In fact, his mother was in Islamabad finalizing the details. I couldn’t believe it,” said Farah.

Farah felt that she was probably pushing him too far when he wanted out. “It got so bad, I didn’t know what I had done wrong to warrant the treatment that was meted out to me. Eventually, he avoided taking my calls and when he did take them, it was to tell me off for something or the other. I lost all confidence in myself as a woman. I lost weight, was stressed and distracted at work and home, and I also cried all the time.”

Farah blamed herself most of the time and kept wondering where she had gone wrong. “It was painful and still is when I think about it. My anguish and disappointment got the better of me. Thank God, my family and friends were very supportive and made me see reason with patience, never judging me for my actions. They were my strength through this bitter learning experience.”

Farah learned her lesson the hard way. “I’ve lost my faith in love to quite an extent, but I’m working on it. I have a long way to go but I’ll get there...” she says.

For a woman, specially one who has invested considerable amount of time in a relationship, it’s not always so simple to end things. The break-up can leave her incapacitated. Saira’s husband wanted her to dress in the most revealing outfits. Though she didn’t want to, he made her life difficult by withholding affection and criticizing her looks, style of dress and make-up. So, she changed herself for him, but then one day he married another woman. Amusingly enough, the other woman wears a hijab.

Emotional batterers are not always bachelors or single. Many are married, and use and abuse a situation behind a different face. The love batterer will come across as being caring and thoughtful, but there are hidden agendas that one would not ever figure out.

Women, in general, do not want to ‘announce’ a relationship to the world unless they know for sure that something positive and permanent will ensue. The ‘love’ batterer on the other hand, has no such scruples. He’d want to see you socially where he can also show-off the prize. He’d also boast that he can make women do anything for him. While a woman wonders how to make him enter a commitment, he would probably confide with friends how hard he is trying to get rid of her.

Flipping the coin to the other side of the story, there are times when the batterer may actually be unable to make up his mind whether he wants to commit or not.

He may also be fighting his own complexes inside him, while the world is judging him harshly. Analyzing the characteristics of a batterer and looking at it from the woman’s point, is she actually to blame?

The best thing for her would be to leave the guy as he is obviously not worthy of her, having betrayed her trust time and again. But sometimes they say the heart does not heed what the mind knows.

My message to reeling women/men from the treatment of the love batterer is that it is not worth the pain and agony. If you still insist you really do care, then give him time and space, and pray hard that God works a miracle for you.

Many analysis have been done on love and its complexities, lovers psyche, abusive love relationships, and the happily-ever-after. There are also the folklores of Sassi-Punnu, Heer-Ranjha and classics such as Romeo and Juliet, Cleopatra and Julius Caesar or the Richard Burtons and Elizabeth Taylors, or our very own Zeba and Mohammad Ali.

Many books, too, have been written on this mysterious feeling called love. Is caring deeper or love? Is love only lust in make-up? Is true love a tragedy, crime of passion, self-sacrifice? Is it giving or receiving or maybe both? Should one marry only for love or marry and then love? Is loving natural or unnatural. Should one stay or not stay in an abusive form of love relationship? What actually is true love? We all go in search of it and not everyone’s a winner. But while there’s hope and miracles do happen, wish upon your star and don’t give up.

Survival techniques

Here are some good survival skills necessary to help you along the way to recovering your emotional equilibrium.

a) Self-monitoring — Evaluate your behaviour and actions daily. Step outside yourself and watch what’s going on, self-awareness and self-knowledge are important. Grow from realization of the self.

b) Thought-blocking technique — Every time you start thinking about your ex or feel yourself wallowing in self pity, say, “STOP!” Then shift your thoughts, divert your energy and attention with something else, like an activity which is safe and non-addictive. High stress, panic and anxiety periods will pass (Take time off for sports, a massage, dancing, music, painting, etc, to de-stress and divert your attention and energy — channelize).

c) Power of positive suggestion — Convince yourself with affirmations like “I am in control”, “I am beautiful”, “I am special”. Think positive.

d) Reminders & 911s — It may be difficult at first but self-control in situations where maybe you want to call the person does help: “STOP! DON’T CALL!” Also create a support system of friends and family. Prayer, too, is an added emotional support.

e) When in doubt, reach out — If you feel that you are completely out of control and might do something self-destructive or desperate, reach out for help immediately — a trusted friend, physician, therapist, counsellor. —M.K.

Six stages of ‘loveshock’

Some of the excerpts below have been taken from the book Loveshock by Stephen Gullo and Connie Church (a must read) on traveling through the six stages*:

1) Shock: Numbness, disorientation and disbelief — Your life seems to come to a standstill as you focus on your loss; it’s a zombie-like stage. A blocking out of all other concerns and activities including a lack of hunger and inability to sleep.

2) Grief: A period of mourning for the loss of the person, times you shared, dreams and promises unfulfilled. You also mourn your own failure, realizing that no matter how hard you try, or wish it to be, you alone cannot make a love relationship: it takes two willing partners.

3) Setting blame: When the hysteria of your grief subsides, you have a psychological need to make sense of what has happened.

4) Resignation — the goodbye stage: Travelling from stage 2 to 3 may be the hardest transition. Detaching yourself from the other person and withdrawing energy you invested in the relationship. A bittersweet time, you may have mixed emotions at this stage — at once relieved that you have to let go and sad that you have to let go.

5) Rebuilding: You realize you’re ready to rebuild your life, loveshock experience begins to recede. Some will even be wiser for the experience; becoming selective about whom you’ll spend your time with so you can love in a healthy, balanced way.

6) Resolution: The beginning of a new life cycle. You have resolved the conflict and turmoil, and made peace with your emotional pain — you’re stronger because of it.

* The pattern is said to be predictable in most cases. Some of you will travel through these stages slowly, but the intensity of the symptoms is said to lessen eventually. —M.K.

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