February 27, 2003

Non-governmental organizations (NGOs) have a pretty bad reputation. Considered by many to be nothing more than money-minting rackets, or even worse, agent provocateurs of dark, unseen foreign powers, they are thus reviled by a large portion of society. But rather than pass judgment on whether these groups are a bane or boon, we thought we would do our bit to add to the confusion. So here’s our very own list of phony NGOs. Scarily, some of these organizations’ agendas bordered obscenely close to the programmes being perused by actual organizations. God help us all.

Qul Pakistan Peeri-Fakeeri Council (QPPFC)
A thoroughly professional organization dedicated to the promotion of the black arts, formerly known as the Kala Amal Ittehad, the QPPFC is the place to go for those who want a better understanding of the occult. Whether you want your mother-in-law to be turned into a mongoose, or if you want to put a nasty hex on that fat kid who used to beat you up for your lunch money daily in the fourth grade, these are the people to consult.

Whatever it is, the QPPFC has a potion for it, for these people, literally, wrote the book on black magic. One is assured of the highest quality brew — with choice ingredients like hair of Panamanian mountain goat and toenails of wombat.

Peer Sayeen, the head magician and Patron-in-Chief, explained to us a little bit about his cabal, and why they changed their name from the much catchier Kala Amal Ittehad.

“We practitioners of the black arts were sick and tired of working out of cubbyholes in Golimar, getting no respect. We wanted to organize and let the public know that we won’t take it any more. You come and visit us when you want spells cast, when you want demons summoned. But after the good stuff’s over, we end up as material for stand-up comedy. No more I say! We want our legal rights. As for the name change, the Kala Amal thing was bad karma. The excise department wouldn’t leave us alone. Ever since the change, things have been better. Satan’s been good to us.”

Charsi
You might have seen them spaced out in the middle of Hasan Square or shooting up under the Mai Kolachi bridge. For the average person, the sight of a junkie is nothing novel in a megacity like Karachi. But face it. These bedevilled souls get nothing but scorn and disdain from you and me.

Charsi aims to change that. Serving as a united platform for heroin addicts, cocaine junkies and crack fiends, the NGO wants to bring addicts into the mainstream again — with their little habits intact. Forget legalizing pot, these guys want to go the whole nine yards. It was quite surprising when we were handed complimentary needles at the annual convention.

Bhola, a spokesman for the group, elaborated. “We’re normal people just like anybody else, man. So what if I have a needle stuck in my forehead? Does that make me any less human than you? We want to be accepted for who we are: junkies! We should learn from the West. Look how they treat their junkies. Robert Downrey Jr. not only gets box seats to the Lakers game, he also gets a Golden Globe nomination. Marion Barry was elected mayor of D.C. Now that’s progress for you.”

Qaumi Mawali Ittehad (QMI)
A collective bunch like Charsi but without the emphasis on drugs, the QMI is a magnet for all drifters, hobos and vagabonds countrywide. Meetings are held at various shifting venues including tomb complexes, under flyovers and in abandoned parks. Again, the Mawalis only seek to be recognized as real people who can contribute positively to society.

The organization’s literature seeks to paint them as colourful additions to the local scenery, characters who add vim and verve to a dreary urban life.

Kalay Shah, executive vice-president of the propaganda wing, enlightened us further. “We Mawalis are very special to the city’s eco-system, yet we’re treated as if we just stepped off a rocket ship from the planet Melmac. Kids run away from us. Yeah, maybe our hair’s a little unkempt and we might smell a bit, but who else but we would populate your cities’ underbellies? You need us man. Screw the mangroves. You people can sympathize with vegetables, but when it comes down to our uplift, nobody gives a hoot. We’ve decided to take our case to the masses. We’ve registered a candidate in the last elections. He did pretty well in a couple of constituencies. You’re welcome to attend any of our meetings. Pants are optional.”

Anjuman-i-Jaali Hakeeman-o-Doctoran (AJHD)
Considering the poor state of health care in the country, many people are forced to consult quacks and other characters who pose as practitioners of medicine (both western and eastern). Whether it be the fake dentists occupying the footpath on Bunder Road or the not so Chinese ‘Chinese physicians’ spread out across the city like anopheles mosquitoes, quacks do a roaring business making fools of simple folks, wreaking havoc on their health. But the quacks have decided to collect their efforts, and inspired by the spirit of Dr Death, they have formed an NGO to (mis)educate the public about their services.

We decided to go straight to the source, hence we hunted down Hakim Khameera, Grand Druid, er, Patron-in-Chief of the NGO to question him about the organization. Hakeem sahib was relaxing under the shade of a leafy neem tree curled up with the latest copy of Cosmo waiting for prey, er, patients, when we approached him.

“You see friend, what the AJHD has sought to do is spread the good word about our services. In this day and age of recession and cutbacks, who can afford crap like health insurance, sterilization and costly foreign medicines? We provide a cheap, easy alternative. Can our methods kill you? Yeah, sometimes. But tell me if Mr Big Shot surgeon at Big Shot hospital can guarantee you 100 per cent when you go under the knife? We don’t like the word quack. That’s so not PC. We much prefer ‘faith healer.’ Or how’s bout shaman? That’s got a really new age, Deepak Chopra ring to it. I like that. I’m going to suggest it at the next meeting. Can I interest you in these ‘performance enhancing’ pills, friend? Results are guaranteed.”

Society for the Uplift of Bored Begmaat (SFUBB)
Perhaps the most neglected sector of our social pie graph are the fabulously wealthy, incredibly bored begmaat. When Rs27,000 charity balls, fashion shows in Kota Kinabalu and other nefarious purposes all lose their charm, then it’s time to sign up with the SFUBB.

Remember when the Brownies at your middle school used to organize bake sales to raise money for starving kids in some wretched African country you couldn’t spell, let alone find on a map? Well, the SFUBB organizes similar rackets, er, fundraisers. And just like you suspected that your contribution to the Brownies more than likely ended up funding their annual trip to Funland rather then feeding half of Bhoputatswana, similar are the accusations emerging from certain quarters pointing indignant fingers at the begmaat.

“This whole NGO business smacks of fraud,” bellowed one angry protester outside the SFUBB secretariat. But Mrs Minister, the honorary chairwoman of the club, accompanied by Begum Brigadier, couldn’t understand what all the commotion was about.

“What are these fools going on about? We’re a society dedicated to the alleviation of human suffering in this country. We selflessly give away our time, our husbands’ ill-gotten wealth and our efforts to make sure these plebeians are educated about their heritage and surroundings. To think...here we are trying to save a prized national asset like the houbara bustard, and this is the thanks we get. Shame! Savages! That’s it. I need therapy. I’m going to Beirut for a pedicure.”

The Pakistan Chapter for the Society of Protection of Animals Nobody’s Heard of (PCSPANH)
Ahh animals — those lovable furry creatures that share planet Earth with us. We play with them, we eat them, we use them to ferry us around. Where would we be without animals, especially in a predominantly agrarian society like ours? But rather than wasting time worrying about the upkeep and well-being of Fido the dog or those goats you just sent to heaven over Bakra Eid, why not join an NGO that’ll not only let you explore your love of animals, it will also enhance your vocabulary and general knowledge so you can memorize the names, habitats and biological kingdoms of animals absolutely anybody (outside of maybe Green Peace) has heard of.

Be the first on your block to photograph the South Iberian Mud Ox. Help raise funds for the Narwhales of Thatta. With the PCSPANH, the world is your oyster. Just don’t let the fact that National Geographic refuses to recognize 97 per cent of the species your organization claims to champion get you down. When it comes to fund raising for these poor helpless, defenceless creatures, we at the PCSPANH will be second to none.

Dada Log
Dada Log is an NGO dedicated to preserving the lifestyle and habitats of those creatures unique to the urban landscapes of sprawling megalopolis of the subcontinent such as Karachi or Mumbai: the neighborhood toughs, hooligans and petty criminals known in the colloquial as dada log. The major traits of this vanishing breed of wildlife is a mouth full of paan or gutka (hence it is natural that their preferred grazing grounds happen to be the corner stalls of paan wallahs). And since they have an ample supply of paan ammunition at all times, they mark their territory with creative designs made with peek.

We tried to talk to Aslam Bhai, Dada-in-Chief of the organization, while he was hunched over a dabboo table closely monitoring a game.

Overweight, balding, 43 and still in the eighth grade, Aslam Bhai cast a frightening figure. However, before we could get very far, Aslam Bhai had us nearly beaten to a bloody pulp by his henchmen for giving him ‘the wrong look.’

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