February 9, 2003

Just married
The best thing about Just married is that it’s a welcome diversion from all the Oscar contenders crowding theatres. The worst thing? Just about everything else. As far as romantic comedies go, this is no When Harry met Sally. It’s more like a plastic Barbie and Ken tale, without the spice Aqua put in their story. It’s only desperate times that enabled the flick to debut at the top of the box office.

Married is the story of two young newlyweds, a traffic reporter (Kutcher) and a writer (Murphy) from a wealthy family, finding that what should have been the perfect honeymoon in Venice is instead a disaster along the lines of National Lampoon’s European vacation.

There are some successful scenes, but too few to overcome the cellophane-thin plot and the very high school (if not junior high) chemistry between the couple. Pinup Ashton has defied critics with his successful performance in Dude, where’s my car? and his scene-stealing role as Michael Kelso on the hit sitcom That 70’s show. In Married, his animated slapstick antics are better in the scenes away from Murphy, whose only capabilities seem to be giggling and looking big-eyed. The blonde actress, who was proving to be quite a serious talent, is nothing more than a Goldie Hawn wannabe here. The two together? Well, the pair definitely fight more ferociously than Leonardo DiCaprio and Daniel Day-Lewis in Gangs of New York. But these overly contrived spats are so irritating that a better writer would have written them a divorce.

In fact, the two leads are so boring together that even their real-life romance has about as much fire as a lighter without fuel. Ashton recently stood the beautiful Murphy up at the Hollywood premiere of this film because he lost track of time while he was playing a computer game with a friend. Now that’s funny. —T. U. Dawood

Deathwatch
In the film Deathwatch a group of British soldiers stumble upon a deserted German trench littered with the decaying bodies of its defenders during World War I. After securing the trench, they call for reinforcements but are unable to make contact with anyone. Strange things begin to happen and before they know it, half of the group has gone mad and turned on each other.

A haunted trench? That’s original, all-right. But that’s as far as it will go. There haven’t been many cross breeds of the war and horror genre in cinematic history, and this one drives home the point why this is so. Jamie Bell of Billy Elliot fame makes his second appearance on screen as Charlie Shakespeare, a 16-year old who lies about his age to fight for his country, but after seeing the horrors of war freaks out. And herein lies one of the major flaws of the movie. Throughout the entire film, he remains a wimp being bullied by most of his comrades, but ends up the sole survivor of the carnage. Why he is redeemed on the basis of a single act while the others just as heroic are not, is beyond logic. Looks like the evil spirits have a soft corner for teenagers. The acting is just as bad as the script. The only thing worth mentioning is the eerie atmosphere the movie tries to create with some luck.

This small time British production is bound to end up as a hot contender for the worst flick of the year. There’s no point in watching it, even if one is able to digest the worst horror flicks, because the bulk of the action takes place at night, and the pirate print available here is indigestible. —Saqib Khan

Kangaroo Jack
The comedy flick Kangaroo Jack disappoints the viewers from almost every angle. The only different thing about it is the kangaroo which replaces the talking dogs, cats, chimps and pigs that have been witnessed before.

From the title one expects the story to revolve around a kangaroo, but the movie has hardly any scope for this animal. Rather, a boring plot with some sub-plots dominate the one-and-a-half hour span of the reel. It is about two friends Charlie and Louis (Jerry O’Connell and Anthony Anderson), who are forced to deliver money by a gang to Australia. They hit a kangaroo and assuming it to be dead attempt to snap some photographs. One of them places his jacket over it. All of a sudden, the kangaroo regains consciousness and runs away with their $50,000. The rest of the movie is about these guys chasing the animal. They seek the help of a wildlife worker who does everything in the movie except save wildlife. The gang’s cronies also reach Australia for their lost money, and the movie ends with Charlie and Louis outwitting these guys.

It is confusing which audience Kangaroo Jack is aimed at. It is not appropriate for kids due to its violence and explicit jokes, and very few grown-ups would find it interesting. Despite the immature plot, the movie also falls victim to mediocre acting. The only person who deserves credit is the one who has designed the graphics of the talking Kangaroo. If you still wish to watch this flick, than it is advised that you make full use of the fast forward button. —Azeem Haider