February 12, 2006

Most people’s feelings and thoughts about themselves fluctuate somewhat based on their daily experiences. The grade you get on an exam, how your friends treat you, ups and downs in a romantic relationship-all can have a temporary impact on your wellbeing.

A person’s self-esteem, however, is something more fundamental than the normal “ups and downs” associated with situational changes. For people with good basic self-esteem, normal “ups and downs” may lead to temporary fluctuations in how they feel about themselves, but only to a limited extent. In contrast, for people with poor basic self-esteem, these “ups and downs” may make all the difference in the world.

People with poor self-esteem often rely on how they are doing in the present to determine how they feel about themselves. They need positive external experiences to counteract the negative feelings and thoughts that constantly plague them. Even then, the good feeling (from a good grade, etc.) can be temporary.

Healthy self-esteem is based on our ability to assess ourselves accurately (know ourselves) and still be able to accept and to value ourselves unconditionally. This means being able to realistically acknowledge our strengths and limitations (which is part of being human) and at the same time accepting ourselves as worthy and worthwhile without conditions or reservations.

Our self-esteem develops and evolves throughout our lives as we build an image of ourselves through our experiences with different people and activities. Experiences during our childhood play a particularly large role in the shaping of our basic self-esteem. When we were growing up, our successes (and failures) and how we were treated by the members of our immediate family, by our teachers, coaches, religious authorities, and by our peers, all contributed to the creation of our basic self-esteem.

Self-esteem is largely developed during childhood. Childhood experiences that lead to healthy self-esteem include being praised, being listened to, being spoken to respectfully, getting attention and hugs, experiencing success in sports or school, having trustworthy and friends.

Low self-esteem childhood experiences that lead to low self-esteem include being harshly criticized, being yelled at or beaten, being ignored, ridiculed or teased, being expected to be “perfect” all the time and experiencing failures in sports or school. People with low self-esteem were often given messages that failed experiences (losing a game, getting a poor grade, etc.) were failures of their whole self.

Our past experiences, even the things we don’t usually think about, are all alive and active in our daily life in the form of an ‘inner voice’. Although most people do not “hear” this voice in the same way they would a spoken one, in many ways it acts in a similar way, constantly repeating those original messages to us.

For people with healthy self-esteem the messages of the inner voice are positive and reassuring. For people with low self-esteem, the inner voice becomes a harsh inner critic, constantly criticizing, punishing, and belittling their accomplishments.

Most of us have an image of what low self-esteem looks like, but it is not always so easy to recognize. Here are three common faces that low self-esteem may wear:

The impostor: acts happy and successful, but is really terrified of failure. Lives with the constant fear that she or he will be “found out”. Needs continuous successes to maintain the mask of positive self-esteem, which may lead to problems with perfectionism, procrastination, competition, and burn-out.

The rebel: acts like the opinions or good will of others — especially people who are important or powerful — don’t matter. Lives with constant anger about not feeling “good enough”. Continuously needs to prove that others’ judgments and criticisms don’t hurt, which may lead to problems like blaming others excessively, breaking rules or laws, or fighting authority.

The loser: acts helpless and unable to cope with the world and waits for someone to come to the rescue. Uses self-pity or indifference as a shield against fear of taking responsibility for changing his or her life. Looks constantly to others for guidance, which can lead to such problems as lacking assertiveness skills, under-achievement, and excessive reliance on others in relationships.

Low self-esteem can have devastating consequences. It can create anxiety, stress, loneliness and increased likelihood for depression. It can cause problems with friendships and relationships. It can seriously impair academic and job performance. It can lead to underachievement and increased vulnerability to substance abuse.

Worst of all, these negative consequences themselves reinforce the negative self-image and can take a person into a downward spiral of lower and lower self-esteem and increasingly non-productive or even actively self-destructive behavior.

Before one can begin to improve your self-esteem one must first believe that one can change it. Change doesn’t necessarily happen quickly or easily, but it can happen. Once a person has accepted, or is at least willing to entertain the possibility that one is not powerless, there are three steps one can take to begin to change one’s self-esteem. The first important step in improving self-esteem is to begin to challenge the negative messages of the critical inner voice. Here are some typical examples of the inner critic’s voice and how you can “rebut” that voice.

For example a student with low self-esteem may say: “People said they liked my presentation, but it was nowhere near as good as it should have been. I can’t believe no one noticed all the places I messed up.”

This could be rebutted by the student saying something like the following: “Wow, they really liked it! Maybe it wasn’t perfect, but I worked hard on that presentation and did a good job. I’m proud of myself. This was a great success.”

Another case of a student with low self-esteem is as follows: “I got an F on the test. I don’t understand anything in this class. I’m such an idiot. Who am I fooling? I shouldn’t be taking this class. I’m stupid and I don’t belong in university.”

This can be countered by being specific. For instance: “I did poorly on this one test, but I’ve done okay on all the homework. There are some things here that I don’t understand as well as I thought I did, but I can do the material — I’ve done fine in other classes that were just as tough.”

Another example — where the student makes a ‘leap of illogic’: “He is frowning. He didn’t say anything, but I know it means that he doesn’t like me!”. This can be countered by: “Okay, he’s frowning, but I don’t know why. It could have nothing to do with me. Maybe I should ask.”

Rebutting the critical inner voice is an important first step, but it is not enough. Since our self-esteem is in part due to how others have treated us in the past, the second step to more healthy self-esteem is to begin to treat ourselves as a worthwhile person.

This can be done by challenging past negative experiences or messages by nurturing and caring for ourself in ways that show that we are valuable, competent, deserving and lovable.

Get enough sleep, eat in a healthy fashion, get regular exercise, practice good hygiene, and so forth. Go to a movie, take a nap, get a massage, plant a garden, buy a pet, learn to meditate — do whatever you enjoy.

One way is to make a list of things you like about yourself. Or keep a ‘success’ file of awards, certificates and positive letters or citations. Keep momentos of accomplishments you are proud of where you can see them. Self-nurturing can be hard if one is not used to doing it.

Getting help from others is often the most important step a person can take to improve his or her self-esteem, but it can also be the most difficult. People with low self-esteem often don’t ask for help because they feel they don’t deserve it. But since low self-esteem is often caused by how other people treated you in the past, you may need the help of other people in the present to challenge the critical messages that come from negative past experiences. Here are some ways to get help from others.

Ask friends to tell you what they like about you or think you do well. Ask someone who cares about you to just listen to you “vent” for a little while without trying to “fix” things. Ask for a hug. Ask someone who loves you to remind you that they do. Get help from teachers as well. Go to professors or advisors or tutors to ask for help in classes if this is a problem for you. If you lack self-confidence in certain areas, take classes or try out new activities to increase your sense of competence.

Sometimes low self-esteem can feel so painful or difficult to overcome that the professional help of a therapist or counsellor is needed. Talking to a counsellor is a good way to learn more about self-esteem issues.—Courtesy www.utexas.edu

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