If you want your marriage to survive you will have to put your ego in the cold storage.

Dear Auntie,

I got married a year ago and am fulfilling all of my wife’s needs. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law has a dual personality. My wife discusses everything with her mother and twice she kept my wife in her house for a long time just to create trouble for me. She advises my wife to abuse my mother and be rude to my sisters. She also created misunderstandings between my relative and my mother and sisters, and got my wife to disclose my family’s private matters. I had to approach the elders in their family to bring my wife home.

Recently, my wife went to meet her mother for a week and was again held back.

After a month her parents approached my elders to force me to accept my mistakes and bring my wife home. I refused saying that they should realise their own mistakes.

Since then they have stopped all communication. Now after four months I do not have any solution except to take a drastic step.

Hanged by Apron Strings

Dear Snip,

Hold on. In a successful marriage, nothing -- not even your relationship with your parents -- should come between husband and wife. I don’t mean that you or your wife should cut yourselves off from your families, but your marital problems stem from your wife’s immaturity and the fact that that your marriage is still in the teething stage.

Your wife is breaking a golden rule of marriage by taking her marital problems to her parents. Auntie is old fashioned and believes that you should only get parents involved if there is violence in the marriage and a real threat to life. Not surprisingly you feel betrayed and insignificant. Still, I say give your marriage another shot.

Before you bring her home, go somewhere and have a talk with her. Be honest but diplomatic and tell her that you’d rather work through your problems then drag the parents into it. Then swallow your ego and apologise to her parents. If they blame you for something that you haven’t done, just say that you are sorry they feel this way, but if you want your marriage to survive you will have to put your ego in the cold storage.

You are a good provider, but you guys need to work on cultivating a bond. Discuss your dreams and disappointment with her rather than with your mother, and encourage her to do the same. This will help bring you closer and get both of you used to the idea that once married you should turn primarily to your spouse for your emotional needs.

Avoid running to parents and spilling the beans on a fight. The problem with this is that while you may reconcile, your parents, as referee, may never forget the incident.

Use only the most diplomatic language possible if you absolutely have to criticise your in-laws. Otherwise avoid it. For all you know your wife already knows her mother’s weaknesses. But tomorrow if she complains about her own parents, bite your tongue before you revel in it.

On the other hand, make an agreement today that if your wife has a problem with your mother, you will go talk to your mother on her behalf and vice versa. Protecting your marriage and your spouse should be your priority, even if you disagree.

Finally, the ideal you should aim for, if your marriage is to be successful, is to be a strong team that may not always agree on the nitty gritties, but that stays committed.

Sweet Auntie Agni,

I am 26 years old. I got married two years ago, but am still waiting for the rukhsati. Ours is a love marriage. At the time of our nikah, his mother was not happy but agreed because of her son’s happiness. After that I tried my best to make her happy.

My husband lives in London with his mom and brother. The problem is that we want to live together but his mother does not agree. She becomes rude when my husband talks about me or about the rukhsati in front of her. We want to live together but don’t want his mother to resent it. My husband doesn’t want to take any extreme steps. What should I do?

Desperate to live with husband

Dear Outlawed,

Pray, what will your mother-in-law resent? That her son’s legally wedded wife wants to live with him? And what extreme step is your husband talking about? That you will fly to the UK to live with him? This incidentally is what you should be doing anyway. Your ma-in-law cannot will you away. It’s time you insist on what is your right. If you keep giving in to this difficult woman, you will not magically turn her into a reasonable person. Instead you will be giving her the license to inflict an avalanche of unreasonable behaviour on you, for all times to come. And you cannot afford that if you are to stay married to her son. Next time you speak to your husband give him an ultimatum and say you need to know by when you can join him. If he throws the trite mommy excuse at you, without getting into an argument explain that you are asking for what is your right and you don’t want to wait any longer. Speak from a place of conviction (why do I find it lacking in your letter?). Your mother-in-law brought up her son, so that one day he would marry and have a family, and not so that he can pander to her control freakish tendencies. In case your husband continues to make excuses, tell him that he has to choose between you and his mother. While Auntie normally discourages such drastic action, you should throw things into perspective for your husband by saying that if he sticks by you, he can have both you and his mom. However, if he chooses to drag the situation as per his mom’s wishes, he can keep his mom, while you, I am sorry to have to say this, have to end this relationship.

Auntie will not reply to any letter personally, so stop asking! Send your problems to auntieagni@gmail.com

•Names are withheld to protect privacy