What was once ridiculed as a myth has eventually emerged as a hard fact of life testified by scientific research.

After collecting empirical data and having meticulously pruned, analysed and tabulated them, British psychologist Dr Luan Brezenden has come out with the conclusion that women talk three times more than men. According to him, a woman speaks about 21,000 words in a day compared to only 7,000 words spoken by a man. Thus, an average woman speaks 14,000 words in excess of an average man per day to raise her to the level of ‘above average’. Dr Brezenden has mentioned the findings of his historic study in his recently published book entitled Female Mind.

“Have you gone through this news?” I innocently asked my wife on the breakfast table the other day.

“Ha!” she scoffed. “You are grabbing the newspaper and expect me to confirm what you are so seriously absorbed in.”

“Wonderful!” I cried out. “Madam, you have uttered 18 words in reply to my simple, six-word query. That is what this news item holds -- women talk three times as much as men.”

I put down the cup of tea and advanced the paper to her. She cast a cursory look at the news and commented, “This is absolutely biased and I summarily reject it. Firstly, the so-called research has been conducted by a man who must already be under the influence of male-sponsored propaganda that women speak more than men. Secondly, the research methodology has not been revealed. This seems a mere guesswork and nothing else. Women speak out of necessity; men speak out of stupidity. Women remain so steeped in work that they can’t afford to speak nonsense. For men, on the other hand, speaking is a pastime and that makes the difference.”

“Again,” I teased, “in the second spell, I spoke only 30 words to which you replied by your 90-word harangue.”

She glanced at me disdainfully and withdrew from the table throwing away the newspaper while I was doubled up with laughter. As she was leaving, she stamped her feet on the floor constantly grumbling that retirement had mentally derailed me. I took no notice of her raving because this happens to be the most favourite accusation levelled against the retirees by their self-righteous wives. Even before retirement, women do not hold any charitable view about the mental faculties of their husbands.

By instinct, a woman is duty-bound to deliver a full-fledged speech in response to even a harmless remark, suggestion or comment of her husband which, at times, does not warrant any reply and is just meant for information. Women consider silence as something unlawful and demeaning for which they would be held accountable in this world as well as in the hereafter.

Conversely, when a woman gives a suggestion and her reconciling husband readily accepts it, she would doubt his intention and go on stressing her point. Once, my wife advised me not to treat our grandchildren, our occasional visitors, harshly for their mischief and mistakes. The suggestion sounded most opportune. So, without giving a second thought, I immediately agreed to it. Utterly sceptical, however, she thought it fit to caution me, “Don’t take it casually. I am very serious about it. Children remain in a constant state of fear when they are here. They come to their grandparents’ house to enjoy, have fun and breathe in a free atmosphere. Your reproaches pierce their tender hearts like the arrows shot from tightly strung bows. And moreover …”

“Lady, lady!” I cut her off, “Why are you giving one argument after the other in support of your advice which has already been taken by me unconditionally and wholeheartedly? I also don’t want to be dreaded; I only want to be loved.” “I am trying to convince that whatever I say to you is always to your best advantage,” she reasoned.

“Okay. Now please let me work on my column,” I said apparently to extricate myself from her ‘total control’.

I was mistaken, anyway. Rolling her sleeves and roving her eyes, she shot back, “Arguing with you is like banging one’s head against a wall. I have decided not to speak a single word now. You cannot think beyond your books and columns. I have to look in a broader perspective. You always behave like the proverbial frog in the well. Once in a while, try to come out of your visionary world. This is too small, too flimsy. I am not averse to reading, mind you, but you should read human beings as well. Have you ever spared a thought how are the domestic affairs going? Never! I ask you to be practical. Look around. How many of your colleagues have succeeded in getting extension in service? You are confined to your study.”

“Please, please,” I yelled plugging my ears. “You have spoken 100 words after you resolved not to utter a single word. You started out sympathising with our grandchildren and have ultimately landed on my retirement which is your usual destination. You spare no occasion to vent your innermost feelings taunting me for not seeking extension in service. Be it known to all, I treat extension or re-employment as a curse. It is like Ustad Zauq’s admonition: Daikh jahan kharab hua phir waheen gaya (See, he goes back to where he was disgraced).

She left reiterating, “I make it plain to you; from now on, you will not scold the children.”

Since I had already given her the required assurance, I kept mum.

It is my considered opinion that the first thing a woman does upon waking up in the morning is -- sharpen her tongue. Then, at the end of the day, she gets so tired that she cannot keep her mouth open. That’s when she goes to sleep.

The other day, a friend complained to me, “You know, whenever the wife and I get into an argument, she gets historical.”

“You mean hysterical, don’t you?” I demanded.

“No, I mean historical -- she remembers everything I ever did wrong and the day, date and time it happened.”

I overheard the conversation between two gentlemen at a wedding a few days ago. One said to the other, “I dreamed about your wife last night.”

“Yeah! What did she say?”

“Nothing.”

“Then it was not my wife.”