It is amazing that Karachi has not yet prompted anyone to write a basic How-To-Survive Guide Book considering it is one of the biggest metropolitans of the world with thousands of immigrants invading its packed parameters on a yearly basis. No wonder only the fittest in Karachi live to tell the tale while the faint-hearted melt away in the blaze of the unforgiving Saddar sun. But this alarming situation must be put to rest. After all, the new entrants and visitors deserve to know how to navigate their way not only through the messy traffic in Karachi, but also its chaotic lifestyle. A daunting task as it maybe, let me start by listing the basic do's and don'ts of Karachi's survival kit:

1. Kindly don't bother being shocked (let alone resistant) to any attempt at being mugged. It will happen at some point or the other to you and/or your loved ones and perhaps repeatedly, so be ready for it. Furthermore, it will be at gun point and in broad daylight and that too in the midst of a crowded street. But please do yourself a favour and don't be outraged or disillusioned at the casual manner in which all around you are suddenly attacked by a compound fit of blindness and paralysis. You are on your own, so kindly note that no, there is no safety in numbers. You step out at your own peril.

2. In continuation to the above-mentioned pointer, it may be mentioned that waiting for our police force to arrive at the scene of the crime and take charge is an exercise in futility. As they are usually part of the crime being committed it is only to be expected that they will not bite the hand that feeds their stomach.

3. Once on the road, expect to be rammed from the side and often head on from an oncoming vehicle in narrow lanes and crowded streets of Karachi. There is absolutely no need to boil your blood over right of way or traffic rules. The one with the bigger car wins. Plain and simple! And if that car has government number plates or a few hideous looking turbaned men looking all armed and dangerous, know that it is always your fault. Please, don't get into the right and wrong of the matter. There are none.

4. Road rage is part of the atmosphere of Karachi. Not only should you be well equipped with the choicest of profanities but you should also be ready and willing to hurl them at all and sundry as well as receive them with good grace. Once again depending on the size of the car and its inhabitants! Kindly feel free to vent the frustrations of your life and broken dreams on all those who look happier or meeker than you.

5. If there is electricity flowing in your house or office for more than a couple of hours at a stretch, please say two nawafil shukrana. This is not a small blessing to be taken in your stride. A good night's rest without power breakdown, cranky children and a snarling spouse may be more than you should be aspiring to. Don't dream big. You will only end up being disappointed.

6. Of course, there is the ultimate luxury machine, the generator, which will keep your home chilled and nerves cool even if it is 50 degrees outside. The heat it exudes on the outside may make your driver’s or cook’s life a few notches more unbearable, but after all it's a small price to pay for your own comfort.

7. In case you can't afford one of these mega machines costing upward of Rs 3 lac (not to mention the thousands of rupees needed to run it on a daily basis) you have no place in high society. Generators are the new status symbol. “How many KVA's is yours? How many AC's can it run?” So if you have nothing worthy to add to this exchange take my advice. Make a good excuse and don't show up for the dinner party please.

8. Now addressing the lesser mortals who have to rely on the benevolence of the KESC and the KWSB, please note that if you are expecting water in your shower to wash away the puddle of sweat that you and/or your children have become by morning (after being up the whole miserable night), don't. You are only setting yourself up for more disappointments. Of course you are most welcome to take heart in the multi-million dollar fountain that the government of Pakistan in its infinite wisdom found necessary to endow the teaming millions of Karachi with. But clean drinking and bathing water has obviously not been high on the government's agenda.

9. If you have the money to buy tankers at Rs1,500 a pop then you also have to have the heart to see that money literally go down the drain every few days while you dutifully pay your water and sewerage taxes on time. Not to mention your utter dependency on the obnoxious tanker wallas, a breed apart from the rest. At every door bell you run to the window hoping against hope that he has arrived with the blessed water although he promised he was on the way seven hours ago. And dare you say anything! He has too many more desperate clients in the neighbourhood to attend to than to hear your grumbling.

10. Schooling is not a fundamental right of every citizen. It is a privilege reserved for the wealthy and well-connected. And even then schooling has become a big money making conspiracy hatched by a conglomerate of schools to fleece harassed parents. It all begins right after the birth of the child when you have to immediately register him/her at the appropriate play school/Montessori because no decent private school will consider a child who has not attended the listed play schools and Montessori. The horror unveils itself when your child gets admission into the Montessori of your choice. The registration fee for the same runs into tens of thousands of rupees not to mention the monthly fee that is sometimes greater than school fees and mind you all of it in cash! But what option do you have if you are hell bent on making education a priority for your children? So beg, borrow, steal but find a way to make that crucial investment in your child's future ... so what if that activity ends up being a bottomless pit!

11. Lastly, don't just show up at any one’s house unannounced. It is considered rude and intrusive to walk into your good friend or even a close relative's house without requisite advance notice. We in Karachi are too busy and/or harassed either making ends meet or keeping up with the Joneses, so you see we have no time for casual intrusion.

Oh yes. I completely forgot to mention one more thing. Welcome to Karachi!