Pervez Musharraf’s few adversaries who in the past called him a ‘dictator’, a ‘usurper’, an ‘American subservient’ have now lost their tongues

Frank Sinatra’s song My Way is right up the alley for one who has the power to tell the world that he will run the affairs of state his own way. He needs no permission from anyone to okay his grand plans, nor does he require their blessings. He is the boss. The commander-in-chief. Our job is to stand up, raise our right hand and say “Hail chief” as he struts about commando-style telling all around that he’s the best thing to have happened to Pakistan.

Our “chief” is Pakistan’s sole spokesman today. He’s everywhere. The evening news begin and end with his name. Banner headlines in all newspapers carry his edicts. We’re meant to swallow every morsel he throws our way. Pervez Musharraf is first. He has no equals. He has no challengers. His few adversaries who in the past called him a “dictator”, a “usurper”, an “American subservient” have lost their tongues. Why have Benazir Bhutto and her followers fallen silent?

Yes, Qazi Hussain Ahmed is an exception. He still raves and rants against the president. But that’s hardly news. Ever since I remember, the venerable Qazi Sahib has been protesting against the ruler of the day. He may have indirectly hastened their fall in the past but in Musharraf’s case the Jamat-i-Islami chief is a colossal failure. He keeps promising that he will deliver us from military dictators, but other than riding on Imran Khan’s coattails and wanting to pick up Nawaz Sharif for the ride, we wait for Qazi to honour his word. Do you honestly think the mismatched trio -- a beard, a side-parting- hair transplanter and a former playboy/fast bowler-turned politician can bond to create a damaging dent into the president’s ambitions to lord over us for years unending -- none of us cares to count how many more years his rule?

Who among us has the gumption to ask General Pervez Musharraf when he plans to quit for good? Who among us has the voice to stand up and set the record straight on the word “corruption” that he swings at us these days. He says governments of Benazir Bhutto and Nawaz Sharif were very “corrupt”. But the general never speaks of the corruption of his own government that according to Transparency International has broken BB’s and Mian Sahib’s records! Did he cherry pick his own cabinet members and leaders of his PML-Q from virgin fields where only the purest, the truest and the cleanest humans are farmed? Don’t we all wish that was so? Instead the general chose the worst of the lot leftover by BB and Mian Sahib. This lot was the most corrupt. So now to say that the governments of Benazir Bhutto and Nawaz Sharif were corrupt while his government is clean is an insult to our intelligence. Sir, your men are the same corrupt operators who looted the country when their former leaders were in power.

So what are President Pervez Musharraf’s 2007 resolutions? You don’t have to be a neurosurgeon to work this one out. Ideally, he would like to work towards holding elections that never become a reality. It would suit him to push them under the rug on law and order pretext or even bring in the national security alert. It’s easy to weave a web of deception around such issues. The people of Pakistan, who already have no democratic rights, will simply accept what’s fed them by the intelligence agencies.

In case elections are held, Pervez Musharraf would drill it into our heads that he’s our legitimately elected president. There are enough constitutional “experts” working day and night on proving this point by twisting facts that lay people like us don’t understand.

Who would be his PM? His New Year’s resolution would be to groom someone as pliable as the present prime minister. Maybe Chaudhry Shujaat Hussain? The “lion” from Gujrat is losing his roar with age and ill health. Besides, most of what he utters is lost in translation. These days he’s dallying with Benazir Bhutto in Dubai, despite vowing never to talk to her. So much for his word of honour. The second choice is Mushahid Hussain Sayyed? He’s had enough training from the establishment on how to be of service to one’s own cause. He’s young, enthusiastic and bubbly. Besides, he does not carry any extra baggage in the shape of being corrupt, a rare commodity in today’s leadership.

As for the cabinet -- the president may well choose the same lot, it matters not. After all, the president is not answerable to anyone nor does he have to present his ministers before a truth and honesty tribunal. Forget it!

Oh yes! Women ministers. The president’s headhunters must already be out scouring the fashion houses of Lahore, Karachi and Islamabad frequented by female scions of political families and filthy rich industrialists. These young things not only captivate with their looks but are brainy as well: eye candy plus talent is always welcomed during dreary cabinet meetings. Never mind, if some of them pretend to be graduates and have forged BA degrees hanging on their office walls. If the president doesn’t mind, who are we to protest?

The president’s New Year’s resolutions would also include a jump in army jobs for serving and retired khakis. After all they make excellent administrators and know how to run just about anything. Maybe this time around the armywallahs can experiment with dairy farms, dry cleaning outfits, guidance and career counselling, convenience stores (ala utility stores), day care centres for toddlers, beauty salons (they are thriving), marriage halls and bridal makeup, wedding planners -- beginning with shaadi ka jora, yuppy party planning, landscaping, janitorial services, interior décor, dress designing -- the list goes on.

Maybe the president can pack some high-ranking retired army guys into some more Pakistani missions abroad. It’s so simple: just get rid of these foreign office chaps (they are pretty useless according to some in the establishment) and replace them with brigadiers and generals, even colonels and majors.

Surely, the president must have worked out some role for the mullahs as well. The Maulana Fazalur Rehman types. He can perhaps order PTV to give them more air time that they currently get (though believe me we could do with less). Meanwhile, Janab Qazi sahib can be banished forever from the idiot box. He’s rarely seen nowadays, so who’s going to miss him if he goes off the air permanently as per presidential plans.

Finally, BB and the Americans. Both are a slippery lot. The two get more and more desperate. Thus far the president scores an A for upping their dependency syndrome on him. While Americans believe the president must continue to run the affairs of this “fast- turning-Taliban state”, Musharraf is open to their suggestion on carving out some ceremonial role for Benazir Bhutto.

The 2007 New Year presidential resolutions therefore are geared towards winning the White House as never before. For starters, the president has already switched to addressing public gatherings in English instead of Urdu for the benefit of the American ambassador. Mr Crocker looks every bit at home in the company of our political bigwigs, the party will get merrier with BB joining in.

Happy viewing from the sidelines.