“Your freedom ends where my nose begins.” These are the words often uttered by a spouse who likes to infringe upon his or her partner’s freedom. One must understand the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. Husband and wife should always be there for each other in order to share, care and love; but intimacy should not be confused with submission. Life partners must give due attention to each other’s individual rights.
Marriage entails a unique combination of love and hatred. It’s like a plant that needs to be watered on a regular basis so that it can properly grow. Otherwise, it either withers away or entangles the individual lives of the couple in a terrible way.
Husband and wife are not clones. They are individuals having their unique selves as well. This individuality, or difference, is the real beauty of a relationship that has to be respected and appreciated. However, in many relationships the dominating spouse, husband or wife, tries to change the partner’s disposition according to his or her personal wishes. In this futile attempt, they often invade each other’s domain, which leads to tension, quarrel and even break-ups.
Conservative husbands and snooping wives consider it their birthright to know each and everything about their spouse’s life. They keep on inquiring about each others’ bank balance, official meetings, engagements, friends and even day-to-day activities. The practice of ransacking the wife’s purse, reading her personal diary, and fumbling into husbands’ wallet is quite common. One may justify this by saying that he/she wants to be aware of the partner’s activities and contacts. But if this intrusion reaches an extent that they keep on calling their partner or office secretary to trace their whereabouts and become suspicious of everything they do, it’s dangerous. Psychologists consider it physical intrusion that reflects one’s insecurity and distrust about one’s partner.
Saima, a 30-year-old divorcee, was subjected to the same attitude by her ex-husband. “It’s really unbearable when a person keeps an eye on your every move. My husband was a good-looking educated man but had a radical approach. He himself socialized with all genders openly. But I was not allowed to go upstairs or on the balcony, attend any phone calls or mixed gatherings, move alone even for shopping or to my parent’s house. Before marriage, I was working as a computer programmer, but was later forced to quit my job, as my husband believed women should stay at home to avoid the sins of modern times. I felt suffocated like a caged bird. I used to be a lively girl but because of cynical comments of my husband, I forgot to laugh and speak my heart,” Saima said.
Saima’s case is the extreme example of physical, emotional and psychological invasion where a husband crosses all his boundaries to seize the rights and freedom of his wife. Such an abnormal attitude often leads to break-ups as no one can sustain an enslaved life for long.
However, almost every one of us experiences some sort of physical, emotional or psychological intrusions in our marital life. Naveed and Naheed, married for three years, often have a fierce fight on tiny issues such as rolling up the car window while driving.
Naveed told this scribe: “Whenever she opens the window, I close it. She opens it again and thus we have several fierce fights over the issue. My wife knows that I can’t stand the polluted air. But she always does this, insisting she needs fresh air and feels suffocated in a closed area.”
Mr and Mrs Nafees, married for 37 years, find it difficult to accommodate each other when it comes to TV watching and getting hold of the remote control. Mrs Nafees complains: “ I hardly get a chance to watch my favourite plays and programmes as after retirement Nafees Sahib’s only pastimes are reading newspaper and watching TV. He watches all news bulletins on local and international channels and gets glued to the TV set when a cricket series or other sport events are shown. I find it annoyingly meddling, as I also need some relaxation after the routine household chores. Thus my husband and I often have a dispute over the matter. Now I’ve found a solution. I watch TV either at night or in the morning when he is fast asleep. Even in the afternoon I try to get to the front seat before him whenever it’s possible.”
These are the tiny issues that can easily be resolved if partners develop the required understanding. The wife can let her husband watch his favourite game, and even try and enjoy with him. By doing this she can actually get the freedom to watch her favourite play the next time. Similarly, she can get fresh air by opening the side-window, ventilator or the car fan without actually bothering her partner.
Partners must understand and care about each other’s requirements and accordingly define their boundaries. They must comprehend that after a tough day, a working man or wife needs leisure, relaxation and comfort. In that scenario, the ear-splitting volume of TV, shrieking threats to children and servants prove to be a psychological intrusion that simply keep the person away from the house.
Couples must also understand each other’s psychological and emotional needs. The husband should understand why it’s important that once in a while his wife should get away from household chores, children and even from him to meet her friends, cousins and sisters for a few hours. She must also get a chance to frequently read, write, stitch, paint, visit the gym, shop and socialize.
Similarly, the wife must understand that her husband has a right to spend some time with his friends, play tennis or watch a game without any interference.
So, one can safely infer that sharing, caring, understanding, acceptance and forgiveness are the keys to a successful marriage.
“Your freedom ends where my nose begins.” These are the words often uttered by a spouse who likes to infringe upon his or her partner’s freedom. One must understand the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. Husband and wife should always be there for each other in order to share, care and love; but intimacy should not be confused with submission. Life partners must give due attention to each other’s individual rights.
