Every person wants to look beautiful. How to go about achieving this goal is a different issue altogether
HERE is a question and answer session in which useful beauty tips are given to people belonging to different spheres of life.
HOOR FARISHTA
Q: I have a strong desire to become beautiful. I have tried my hand at everything from make-up to face-lift. Please guide me in three steps.
A: I have seen your attached photo and fully understand the callousness of nature. You are a typical L/C case (lost cause) for which you require our three-month rigorous training on how to avoid seeing mirrors and get photographed for the rest of your life. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Please seek company of blind people. The therapy has helped thousands of terrible looking people who now think of themselves as Hollywood stars.
KOMAL SATIANAS
Q. I used to be a delicate little beauty, but because of your tips I have become an ugly duck whose body and face repel all men.
A. Congratulations on getting married. This is the usual feedback given by 90 per cent of husbands after the honeymoon. Please pay in the same currency to him.
MASHWARA KHATOON
Q: I wanted to become pure at heart. My friend suggested intake of pure desi ghee, milk and desi paneer. While I feel pure, I have expanded unevenly. How shall I reverse the trend without losing my purity?
A: Usually I am against taking revenge, but I think you must take on your friend on this one. Once you give her good thrashing, you will feel good about yourself. That is the true secret of beauty. By the way, you can revert to your normal size if you go on dinner dates, that is, eat only dates at dinners.
QADAWAR CHEEMA
Q: My problem is that I am handsome but shorter than my fiance. My personality is therefore over-shadowed. I am 5.3 with heels and she is 5.11 without heals.
A. This is called the Tom-Nicol syndrome. There are multiple solutions to your problem. You can think of changing your fiance for starters or request her to keep seated when you are around with others. Personally speaking, she is the best hope for your future generation to become normal-sized humans.
BHOLIE KHAN
Q: People say I look like Angelina Jolie, but my problem is I hate her. Please look at my photograph and tell me how to stop people calling me Jolie.
A. One can easily deduce that people that surround you need to have their vision examined. In your photo, I searched for Angelina, but I only found image of a few teeth surrounded by what appears to be flesh. May be you can send the photo again but this time please ask the photographer not to press zoom-in thrice.
NAZUK HASINA
Q. I want to shed some of my beauty for security reasons since I live alone. Please advise. Photo enclosed.
A. You need to thank nature for being kind enough to provide you with that face and body. Rest assured, you will remain secure even if you sleep on the street. No further harm can be done.
KALU KHAN
Q. I have developed dark complexion within days and it is getting darker by the hour. Previously I was very fair. I have done nothing to warrant this.
A. This can happen to those whose wives are unfaithful and use spurious poison to kill their husbands. You can politely request her to avoid using low quality poison. One such lady caused her husband to develop horns for which he tried another antidote and now he has reported growth of a third eye on the forehead. So you need to be careful. Ask her to contact me. I will give her the kind of poison which will ensure that her purpose is served and your misery ends swiftly.
GULKAAN BANO
Q. Do you think ears make ladies appear ugly?
A. Now that you have brought this to my notice, I agree. Especially, after seeing your photo. That is why out-of-the-box thinking is helpful. For that matter the nose can be a questionable accessory with negative aesthetic value. I know a doctor, Shahid Quack who does laser removal surgery for ears and nose. You can contact him. The fun is that this will allow people to call you dumb to your face and you will not even notice it.
HASEEN-O-JAMEEL
Q. Who is the most beautiful face you, as a beauty expert, ever saw?
A. Long time back in 1998 when I used to have a mirror in my washroom.
BUNDER KHAN
Q. Are you male and female?
A. Only after you tell me how you learned the language used by humans.
DULHAN NAZ
Q. I am newly married. On the very next day of my marriage, my husband refused to accept that I was the same lady who married him 24 hours ago. A. This is a common problem since our beauty parlours overload brides with make-up. You need post-marital witnesses. Request beauty parlour’s lady to testify before the saas. In case you are actually some other girl who wants to play clever, still follow the same advice. Bribe the witnesses. Inform the police through anonymous call where you dumped the body.
Every person wants to look beautiful. How to go about achieving this goal is a different issue altogether
