There is no secret about successful relationships; but there are things that can be tried to achieve that goal
THIS is a piece that can be called ‘impulsive writing’. So bear with me. It will be annoying philosophies and probably complete rejection of the very same. Contradictory statements. I’m just going to write what is on its way. A truckload of what I believe. A somewhat haphazard collection of my theories on things. Of course, not saying they’re wholly applicable and sensible; plus coming from me none are ever taken seriously by anyone.
Apparently I seem to have that kind of persona where to attach the phrase ‘serious and sensible’ to me is not an easy task. But that’s only because no one listens to anybody these days. Everyone loves hearing their own voice and what a scruffy, jeans-clad, semi-red haired woman (girl?) may have to say isn’t relevant at all. But I still go on and on and on ... and still say what I think should be said. For all one can do is what is in one’s power to do. What is then done about these things ... is up to others. If this makes sense to you, then good. If not, then hey, may you eventually find your truth. But I believe I have found mine.
And the truth, by the way, never sets you free. It, in fact, cages you further. What a completely distressing discovery that is, isn’t it? Anyhow, here we go.
Everyone makes mistakes. We live as humans and we are all imperfect. As this is what makes us human.
The aim of living is not to attain perfection, but to nurture the ability to accept imperfection. It is to cultivate the understanding that nothing can be perfect because perfection isn’t the ultimate state but is, in fact, the death of it all. What do you do with ‘perfect’? Stare at it and admire the flawlessness? For how long? And it won’t be long before the staring session will bring blemishes to the surface. Because perfection does not exist. It is a carrot, a dangling thing to make you constantly want more.
Relationships are a twisted thing. But they are what make the world go round — not money. If you think about it money won’t be exchanged without a relationship. So ignore the age-old line of ‘money makes the world go round’ because whoever said that wasn’t quite ‘with it’.
And relationships formed, say even five years ago, will never have the same shape or form after some time. It isn’t possible. Every single thing ages. And not everything is wine or an antique where age does them good. In most cases, one sees deterioration with age. But since we were supposedly made to be smarter beings, we really should try to think beyond our accepted limited mental capabilities and challenge the mind a little. And how? Well, since we are aware that age will harm, maybe we should look into doing a few things:
1. Expect the change.
2. Work towards making it as painless as possible. Pain will be there — that’s a given but what we can do (since God has put us on the spot by giving us brains) is intelligently think of how to make it a bearable situation.
3. Accept the role of time. It cannot be defied so it’s a waste of time trying to fight what cannot be fought. There is no battle here to win. This is one fight that is lost before it even begins. So accept that, and live on.
Relationships are of two kinds. We’re broadly defining here so don’t bite my head off and say all is not so simple. One is the relationship that you are born into; that of parents and siblings and the extended family. Second are the relationships that are formed by relative choice. Be it social or work, it’s primarily driven by a choice we have made. There is no choice in the first kind. It’s, to put it crudely, enforced.
Since an enforced relationship is a bloodline category, it takes a lot of abuse before it starts breaking down. Most exploit this relationship only because it’s so woven into your very existence. This relationship is who you are, where you come from. It is the centre of you. And it’s commonly battered, kicked and walked all over. And it takes that battering which is why, centuries have passed and this phenomenon has had no reason to subside, but all the reasons to evolve. Some parents will emotionally blackmail children (not a good thing), sibling rivalry will reign and attention deficit disorder will be a disease that’s afflicted at least one person in everyone’s family. Can’t you just think of the one person in your family who shamelessly demands attention? Unless it’s you. Then you may have a difficult time thinking of that one person. But every family has that one person. Trust me. We all know how it feels to have a 40-year-old behaving like a nine-year-old when it comes to attention.
And we all cringe when we’re ‘hurt’. When we’re confused, disappointed, betrayed and misled we react either in anger or grief or both. Disappointment being the underlying emotion regardless of all else. For no matter how hard you try, expectations do take form and you don’t realize where the expectations stand till they crash.
Personally, I have had to deal with the bloodline relationship issue (on the in-law front) frequently in the last few years of my life, learning certain lessons. You adapt. You can never fully adapt to this mass madness, but it can be done to a degree. People are strange; the oddest people will fling envy at you; the oddest will shove resentment in your face and you’ll just be standing there not knowing where all that is coming from. You constantly ask yourself ‘But there must be something. What was it that I did? What is the basis?’ Maybe you did do something. In my case, I think I made the ultimate mistake of being myself. I tried to adjust, change a little, but never truly let go of my essence. Well, I did for a while, but then resentment stepped in and I realized it wasn’t worth it to change that much. If that much change was demanded then I think it was a different person that was required.
But the bloodline relations take liberties that are not permissible in any relationship. Yet they are taken. Greedily. And there isn’t much you can do in the face of such greed. You can fight it, oppose it, but it won’t do much but eat up your energy. So, here I am, after three years of fighting and opposing — and now I’m accepting it. In my own way. My acceptance is that all that will continue to exist and I am no one to question it.
Distance is one thing you can opt for. Diminished importance is another. And let them do as they wish. Just lead your life. They will poke knives and sticks and you need to let it slide because that’s who they are. Reality is how you perceive it.
As for relationships of the voluntary kind, they too fall prey to the tyranny of time. Every individual changes with time. Sometimes, the changes that people go through compliment the relationship they’re in; sometimes they don’t. That’s why many people say marriage is a gamble; it takes a lot to make it work. Only because time is the ultimate enemy. The same can be said about friends where once you may have had so much in common that you’d often be thinking and saying the same things at the same time — wavelength solidarity. With the passage of time that connection too fades away. That doesn’t mean it’s all over. It just means it’s travelled into another dimension and now exists on a different level. And ‘different’ is never necessarily a bad thing.
When time edges its way into your life and starts to work its way through don’t let it destroy you. Learn to work with it because to fight it would be pointless. You must know when to be real and when to abandon emotions. Don’t fight what cannot be fought. And remember, emotions don’t outlive time. Nothing does because nothing can.
Perhaps this sounds too incoherent, but I truly believe there’s something to be had here. I was striving to find myself in a place that was relatively low on conflict. I wanted to sit in a space where disappointments wouldn’t shake the earth beneath my feet and where I could still see the light in pitch darkness. I was striving to get to the realm where I could take relationships for what they were and not ask, want or expect more. I was searching not for perfection, but for balance. And not that I am completely there — I’m on the road. Now, the challenge is to explain this logic, this thinking to others where this theory (or belief) can be understood enough to be respected. Respect is of paramount importance, more so than acceptance.
There is no secret about successful relationships; but there are things that can be tried to achieve that goal
