I WAS tending my dahlias in the morning and noticed that their petals were dusty. So I sprinkled them with water profusely. At that very moment, the Lilliputian Yajuj emerged from the petals of a giant dahlia, all wet, coughing for breath and boiling with rage.
“What the ____ do you think you are doing?” I was shocked to hear the abusive language: how could a Lilliputian creature residing in my dahlia use such a profanity? I am sure this was the American influence!
Earlier I had mentioned the emergence of two mini-men all dressed up with matching ties and wearing joggers who were frolicking in the petals of my renancluses and dahlias, some readers had their doubts and very sympathetically suggested that I should have my head examined. To this, I would like to narrate a folk tale from Daghistan where there was a dark cave, up above the mountain that housed a ferocious wolf. A simpleton put his head in the cave to see whether a wolf really lived there. When he backed out he did not have a head on his shoulders! The villagers were of the opinion that the wolf had gobbled up his head, but the wise old man said: “He did not have a head in the first place, if he had, he would not have peeped into the wolf’s den.” So how can I have my head examined, if I don’t have it in the first place?
But seriously, those two Lilliputians, Yajuj and Majuj do live in my dahlias and if anybody doubts my statement he should have his head examined!
So the little Majuj (or was it Yajuj?), all wet with my sprinkling, coughing for breath in great rage swore at me and I decided to check his abominable behaviour immediately. “What do you think I am doing, I am watering my very own personal dahlias and you mind your language.”
“You are just like rest of the Pakistanis; heartless and completely oblivious to the miseries of human beings. I may not be taller than your small finger but I am a human being all the same if you don’t mind.”
“Why such obnoxious accusations, what have I done to earn your wrath?”
“You unleashed a tsunami on me and I almost drowned you brute.”
“A tsunami?” I laughed heartily “In a dahlia?”
“You don’t have the brains to realize that a bucket of water for a person of my size is no less than a tsunami, you almost killed me,” he was shaking his little finger at me but I could hardly make out where exactly was his little finger. The little fellow was indeed hilarious and again I started laughing. “Laughing at other people’s miseries is a typical reaction of you Pakistanis,” he growled. “The earth shook on its axis and you were unmoved. The whole world is clamouring to help the tsunami victims, and mind you most of this world is heathen, according to your Mullahs and you Pakistanis are just sitting pretty.”
“No we are not Yajuj — or are you Majuj? Edhi Sahib has sent some aid, a religious party is also collecting donations but only for Muslim victims of tsunami because the non-Muslims are not worth saving. I have heard that in Karachi some “volunteers” are collecting funds from car drivers on the intersections, although it is said that they are actually professional beggars and will die rather than part with the hard earned tsunami fund, you can doubt their motives but not the spirit; the great Pakistani spirit that is. And to top it all, our President has launched a tsunami relief fund, anyone can go to certain banks and queue for an hour or two and deposit the donations.”
“Ha Ha Ha.” Although he was a little fellow but his Ha Ha was rather loud and sarcastic, I felt. “Will anybody in their right senses deposit his hard earned money in a government launched fund? Don’t you know what was the fate of such official collections in the past? The East Pakistan relief fund is still being charged on cinema tickets and what about that campaign in Nawaz Sharif era, ‘Qurz Mitao Mulk Bachao’? The billions collected in name of patriotism jingo, where have they vanished? In the pockets of the powerful naturally and they can’t be asked questions because they represent the people. I hope you remember the role played by Indonesia in your hour of need way back in 1965; they were willing to send their battle ships to help you. And what have you done for them in their hour of disaster? You have not even sent a paper boat to help them.”
“Look little fellow, you keep on saying you Pakistanis, heaping scorn on us. Are, you not a Pakistani yourself?”
“No, I just reside in your dahlias but I have no frontiers, like the famous ‘Doctors with No Frontiers’ organization. These medicine men leave their lucrative practices whenever a disaster occurs in any part of the world and rush to the calamity stricken area. Right now dozens of them with truck loads of medicines are helping tsunami victims; where are your doctors?”
“I have got you there Yajuj or Majuj; a team of army doctors has already left for Indonesia to help their Muslim brethren.”
“That is just a routine matter, whenever there is an earthquake or natural disaster somewhere in the Muslim world, out comes the routine menu of how to help our Muslim brethren, an army plane being loaded with blankets, tents and medicines, a general seeing off the valiant army doctors and troops and a proper coverage on the media and you have done your duty.”
“Yajuj I feel you are very biased about Pakistan.”
“No I am not but the way an average Pakistani has treated this disaster casually pains me, I feel that no other nation on earth has been so heartless and untouched. The masses are just not concerned, nobody gives a damn as to what has been the fate of millions of human beings, you are just flying your kites and gobbling the Karahi Gosht.”
“Well we cant starve if the tsunami victims are starving or their dead bodies are littered all over the place. Oh another very sacrilegious thing has been reported; while some of the Hindus were buried some of Muslims were cremated because their religious identity could not be established due to the decomposition of corpses. I have to contact the Ulemas to find out if those Muslims who were cremated will again burn in hell or what?”
“Yes, these are your real problems. In Gilgit dozens of innocent people were massacred and burned alive to settle once and for all the sectarian issue that has not been settled for the last fourteen hundred years; the Pakistanis are I am sure going to achieve this unique distinction.”
“Well, come to think of it, we have another very serious problem on our hand. Uniform or no uniform. Until and unless we settle this issue also, how can we help the tsunami victims? And then there is this very vital issue of the religion column in the new passport. So we are rather preoccupied.”
“Tell me, don’t you want friendly relations with India?”
“Now where does this India come into it? Of course we do want to have very friendly and cordial relations with our neighbor.”
“Well this was the time to prove that you are serious about it, you could have rushed to help India’s tsunami victims but as I said before, you are sitting pretty. All you can do is to hold friendship seminars, Saarc conferences and Punjabi conferences. You almost invaded Indian Punjab with hundreds of writers and intellectuals in the name of friendly relations; enjoyed their food and coloured waters and came back in the galore of TV interviews and newspaper coverage of your great adventure. Where are your great writers and intellectuals who proclaim that Sare jahan ka dard hamare jigger main hai and statements or efforts as regards the tsunami? No sir, none. I think their jiggers are malfunctioning. Perhaps you have seen a news item today in which the zinda dilane Lahore have declared that they will make the city, the greatest kite flying city in the world and Basant will be celebrated not for one day only but for three consecutive days and it will be the greatest Basant Gala ever. If I were a Lahori I would have been ashamed of myself; the world cancels all the New Year celebrations and you are planning to make Lahore the greatest kite flying city in the world? What a dubious distinction.”
I could not take it anymore. Yajuj had surpassed all limits of decency heaping abuse on my dear country so I decided that I will evict both Yajuj and Majuj from my dahlias and renuncluses, kick them out, so to speak, for their impertinence. But only Yajuj was conversing with me for the last half hour. “Where is your twin brother Majuj?”
“He has gone to help the tsunami victims.”
“Why have you not accompanied him.”
“Living in the neighbourhood of a heartless Pakistani like you I have also become insensitive to the miseries of tsunami victims.”
“You insolent Lilliputian, I will tear you to pieces.” I tried to grab him but he suddenly disappeared in the petals of my dahlias.
I WAS tending my dahlias in the morning and noticed that their petals were dusty. So I sprinkled them with water profusely. At that very moment, the Lilliputian Yajuj emerged from the petals of a giant dahlia, all wet, coughing for breath and boiling with rage.
