IT has been hailed as the food of gods, an aphrodisiac of unrivalled qualities and, of course, a wonder drug for the PMS.
Chocolate is a dessert, a beverage, an indulgence, a nutritious vegetable. That’s right — I said vegetable and nutritious. And, as with all vegetables, logic dictates that even when consumed frequently, it can only do us more good than harm.
Allow me to put across my argument. Chocolate is actually the solid form of ground, roasted cacao beans. These beans come from the cacao tree belonging to the theobroma cacao family. Indeed, cocoa is an English corruption of the Aztec word ‘cacao’ from ‘cacahuatl’, meaning ‘the seed’. But I digress.
Coming back to the chocolate equals vegetable story. Cacao beans are refined and mixed with sugar, coca butter flavouring, cecithin and, to turn milk chocolate into milk solids. And isn’t that every mother’s dream, after all — to breed model eaters who eat healthy food: vegetables, greens and fruits? Which brings me back to my original contention (with apologies to Freud): If chocolate is a vegetable, and all vegetables are good for you, then chocolate is good for you.
I heard it. You sniggered there just now, didn’t you? Okay fine, so the original form is a vegetable, but the ground, roasted, refined mixed form may not exactly be part of the veggie family. I concede. Sadly. But hey, what about the “beet” being the source of sugar? Beet is a vegetable. Yes, I’m aware I’m clutching at straws here. An exercise in futility, you declare? But hey, give me some credit for persevering.
You see, I am a chocaholic. An obsession I am not ashamed of, but yet feel obliged to defend before my family and friends. Those who love me have gone as far as trying to harness and muzzle me before approaching the chocolate section of the local delicatessen, to no avail. Hell may have no fury as a woman’s scorn, but just try and come between a chocaholic and her chocolate, the consequences can be terrible for you.
I’ve had enough of the guilt and burden piled up on me for loving this “vegetable”. Therefore in a desperate attempt to make my voice heard, I have taken to pen (not bottle, I might add). I am disconsolate about my “addiction”. Enough of being ostracized at family functions. Enough of relatives poking fun at me for eating perhaps what may be just a tad more than my fair share of chocolate mousse. Enough of the wise-cracks about keeping chocolate cake out of sight of the Chocdemolition Brigade (read: me).
With all seriousness (and, of course, all due respect to Shakespeare) let me ask you all this: “Hath not a chocaholic eyes? Hath not a chocaholic hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions, fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer, as a non- chocaholic is? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?”
I originally started this article with the intention of devoting my efforts to an indisputable 1,000-word dissertation on gaining vindication for all the chocolate lovers out there. Alas, this seems not to be.
I am not fazed though. Not at all. Heaven forbid. You see, that’s the beauty of having a passion, a delight, an appreciation — dare I say — an obsession. It is single-minded. It is resolute. It is unwavering. This love for chocolate is. And this article is the epitome of what a determined individual can accomplish. The fact that you are reading this at all is proof of the fact that I have sympathizers and empathizers.
Therefore, as I seemingly cannot succeed in any quest to put forth the veggie tendencies of chocolate, let me, at least, give you a sneak preview into the chocolate secrets of the lives of those of us who live, sleep and breath chocolate.
Allow me to share with you the 12 Chocommandments, the rules that govern the very essence of a chocaholic’s survival:
1. Thou shalt do unto all chocolates as thou would do unto thy most favourite chocolate.
2. Thou shalt not take the name of chocolate in vain.
3. Thou shalt not lie to cover up thy chocolate addictions.
4. Thou shalt not complain about thy chocolate.
5. Thou shalt not boast about thy chocolate.
6. Thou shalt not blame others for thy chocolate temptations.
7. Thou shalt not make empty pronouncements about thy chocolate.
8. Thou shalt not murder for thy chocolate.
9. Thou shalt not commit perjury nor steal for thy chocolate.
10. Thou shalt not dishonour any chocolate.
11. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s chocolate.
12. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour’s chocolate.
Indeed, we the chocaholics, have at our disposal a vast array of useful resources and guidelines for daily living. These “chocolatisms”, as they are know, are the very lifeline of our survival. I know I’m bordering on the hyperbole here, but take this delightful pearl of wisdom from the Book of Chocolatisms, “If you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?”
And then we have the Chocolate Easter Bunnies. I have been sworn to secrecy on this one, but I can tell you in all confidentiality, that like dear old Santa Claus who propagates the spirit of merriment and goodwill, the Easter Bunny serves to renew the hopes, faiths and aspirations of chocaholics. I mean, think about it? How else can you explain the keen demand of men and women of all ages for a Bunny? And a chocolate one at that!
My fellow chocaholics, I leave you thus, with the immortal words of Lord Alfred Tennyson, “To strive, to seek, to find and not to yield” — there is abundant chocolate out there just waiting for you to find it.
And to the non-chocaholics, having read my treatise thus far, I say to you, “chocolate is a vegetable. And vegetables are good for you.”
Happy chocolate eating. Now please pass the truffles.
