SOMETIMES, just sometimes, I wish I could see into the future. Not have it predicted through soothsayers, astrologers, tarot card readers or pirs, but see it. Actually, catch about a couple of hours 10 years from today. It would make what I’m doing right now more worthwhile. It will probably even help in finally changing me. It would give me the added purpose I quite often so desperately need.
Take, for example, my family to begin with. My children, I have no doubt, need me despite being adults and living their own lives in far off lands. It is not the need of being driven to friends, to buy last minute stationery items, or being taken for a treat. It is not the need to provide support in times of exams or when in trouble with peers. It is not the need to nurse when sick. Today they need me, I think, for just being there when they want to talk things out (more to themselves than to me); when they need another opinion (which they may or may not consider), and when they return home simply for the comfort of home. I wonder ... will they continue to need me in the same manner after 10 years? As they get more involved in their own families, and as their children grow up, will they still need me? How will their need change? Will I be able to cope with this change? I look around and see too many parents who have not adapted to the changing needs. Looking within me, I feel I have the capacity to deal with this situation. Yet I wonder.
THE HOUSE: We work hard to maintain it so that when the children return home, it is a familiar, comfortable place. Do we undertake this for them or for ourselves? Will this house be one that will be occupied after us? Will one of the children return often enough to see the flowers (so painstakingly planted) bloom? If they are not going to return to this house, why are we spending so much time and money on it? One glimpse would tell me. Just one glimpse.
In my working life I have set standards for myself. And have done well enough over the past two decades. I think I know my strengths and weaknesses and have been smart enough to stay within the parameters set by these. Temptations and offers of change have come my way, but I have managed to remain within the known and secure areas. Will I fall into the ‘move on’ trap and venture into the hitherto unknown? And should that happen, will I discover strengths I am not aware of? Or will I blow a perfectly good career to end in failure? It could go either way. If I stay where I am, I could end with the regret of ‘if only’. What I consider my weaknesses could possibly be just manifestations of my fears and insecurities. This way I’d never know. I continue to wonder.
FRIENDSHIPS: Are they strong enough to last a lifetime? As we grow older, we all develop quirks and mindsets. The rigid stance of some of my closest friends has already begun to grate on my nerves. I have no doubt they find my uncompromising attitude just as annoying. Will we, with age, mellow enough to continue being friends? Or becoming crankier, start avoiding each other, wondering how the other has changed? Do I have the capacity of making new friends? Can they, will they, possibly replace those who’ve been around forever? I wonder.
Life has been good to me. There have been no serious upheavals. I have never been made homeless, had to go hungry or wondered where next month’s kitchen expense would come from. Seeing the world today, seeing the refugees, seeing the victims of acts of God or misdeeds of man, seeing the innocent caught in traps set for others, I realize how lucky I have been. Will this luck hold? I wish I knew. It would save me from vague fears.
Finally, my health. And the health of my loved ones. One of us will go first. I want to be the first one: what if I’m not? How will I deal with the death or serious illness of those who are more important to me than myself? If I get seriously incapacitated, how will I deal with that? Do I have the strength of mind to go through with such trials? I have no idea. I wish I could have some warning to prepare.
One look then, one brief look into the future, is all I ask for. If hard times are ahead, I need to prepare myself today. If God will continue to be merciful, I can stop this needless worrying. If only I knew!
SOMETIMES, just sometimes, I wish I could see into the future. Not have it predicted through soothsayers, astrologers, tarot card readers or pirs, but see it. Actually, catch about a couple of hours 10 years from today. It would make what I’m doing right now more worthwhile. It will probably even help in finally changing me. It would give me the added purpose I quite often so desperately need.
