If a woman says ‘no’ she means ‘maybe’, if she says ‘maybe’ she means ‘yes’, and if she says ‘yes’ she is not a woman!
Not that I have not seen worse things in my travel through the annals of life — eyes open or closed — specially with my services in family practice.
Coming across a lot of paranoia, arguments with women take the cake. It’s an entirely different ball game as far as she is concerned for the term “give in gracefully” is not in her dictionary.
One may grant the author of Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus clemency. The wife is from a different planet altogether, as they say “out of this world” (and out of other worlds, too).
Here I present a few anecdotes, some off the Internet, others off husbands (hen-pecked and hand-picked) and some observations in households, social gatherings and an array of complaints of the better half.
Here are a couple of words from the Dictionary of Arguing with Women.
FINE: This is the full-stop to the disagreement. It really does not mean that what you are saying is right nor that she has conceded to the dispute. Women use this at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can’t stand to hear you argue any longer. To sum it up in a nutshell, it means that you should shut up (never use Fine to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments).
FIVE MINUTES: This is half-an-hour to 45 minutes — maybe more. If you are in a car and ready to go, its better to turn off the engine. If are leaving a party and she is delivering goodbyes, better find a seat nearby. If she is on the telephone, God be with you.
NOTHING: Nothing, as per se, does not have the vacant feeling that it exhibits. It means something and you should be on your toes. Nothing is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down and backwards. Nothing usually signifies an argument that will last ‘five minutes’ and end with the word ‘fine’.
GO AHEAD: (with raised eyebrows) Reading in between the lines, this is not permission. It’s a dare. If you mistake it for permission, the result will be that the woman will get upset over ‘nothing’ and you’ll have a ‘five-minute’ discussion that will end with the word ‘fine’. And if she is supposed to be a party to the ‘go ahead’, whatever it may mean, she is going to participate in the worst of the moods or more realistically, as a zombie.
GO AHEAD: (with normal eyebrows) This is again not permission either. It means “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a raised-eyebrow ‘go ahead’ in just a few minutes, followed by ‘nothing’ and ‘fine’ and she will talk to you in about ‘five minutes’ when she cools off (normal eyebrows and shoulders shrugged — your weekend is down the drain).
LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word but is still often a verbal statement, and frequently misunderstood by men. A ‘loud sigh’ means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time arguing with you over ‘nothing’. It may even mean that she is recapturing a sequence of events from a recent or remote memory that ended with a ‘fine’.
SOFT SIGH: Again not a word but a verbal statement. ‘Soft sighs’ are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
OH!: This word, followed by any statement, is trouble. Example: “Oh, let me get that” or “Oh, I talked to him about who you sit next to in the office” and as the ohs multiply, so do your problems. Example: ‘Ohhhh! So it appears you met an old acquaintance on your way home” and “Ohhhhhhhhhhh! Nooooooooo! She is coming to stay with us for a few days.”
If she says “Oh” before a statement, run — do not walk — to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is ‘fine’ when she is done tossing your morales and sanity out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. If you insist on pursuing the matter, expect to hear “even after twenty years you have failed to understand when I am in a cocoon to leave me alone”. Not pursuing the matter is even more disastrous, expect to hear: “even after twenty years you have failed to understand when I am hurting I need someone to be near me at least you can show that you even care (‘loud sigh’ followed by a soft sigh).
THAT’S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. ‘That’s okay’ means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. ‘That’s okay’ is often used with the word ‘fine’ and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow ‘go ahead’. Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some might big trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done or not done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn’t get a ‘that’s okay’.
THANKS: The woman is thanking you! Don’t faint and don’t look for hidden meaning. Just say “you’re welcome.” And try to repeat the similar action more often that brought up the expression in the first place.
THANKS A LOT: This means you are in big trouble, mister! Dramatically different from ‘thanks’, a woman will say ‘thanks a lot’ when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the ‘loud sigh’. This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the ‘loud sigh’ as she will only tell you ‘nothing’.
Finally, remember: If a woman says “no” she means a maybe, if a woman says “maybe” she means a yes, and if she says a “yes” she is not a woman!
If a woman says ‘no’ she means ‘maybe’, if she says ‘maybe’ she means ‘yes’, and if she says ‘yes’ she is not a woman! 
