THERE comes a point in life when an individual feels that all possibilities are rapidly getting eliminated and stagnancy is evident, spreading like an epidemic throughout one’s being.
A discriminatory approach between men and women is maintained, yet one aspect that can’t be overlooked is that as humans, males have their own way of winding and unwinding whereas the fairer sex keep the windows of their soul open, facing the sunbeams and the sea breeze, yet their souls are bound in their self-prisons emanating out of manifold reasons.
I have witnessed the immense joy that women derive from their forthrightly expeditions to beauty salons for relaxing manicures/pedicures, invigorating facials, absolute involvement in the various soap operas on Indian channels, committees and kitty parties that are all the rage and the epitome of the begum brigade.
Was I an alien suffering from some malfunction in my system that dismantled and infringed my insides, evoking a disturbing kind of repulsion that was refusing to dissipate? Rest assured, I had still a long way for my biological clock to show me that menopause was there to upset my physical and mental state. In this state of uncertainty, taking a trip down memory lane was the best possible activity that I could embark upon. The journey itself was mentally challenging, cobwebs had to be cleared, stones that had moss and fungi had to be torn apart, faces without any recollection of names, names without addresses, some just a blurry image. I realized I knew these people, if not all. Some had left on their journey to the other world while others to known and unknown destinations, yet both had the same footing in my life. Their existence and non-existence had insinuated a death-like silence in my life. I could never cry or laugh the same way without them, their transportation away and out of my world could never dissipate the state I was supposed to deal with for the rest of my life.
My view became myopic and I focussed on my early years of childhood, my loving parents under whose guidance I had undertaken the first step and the beauty of my mothers smile, the warmth of my fathers hug, the lucrative trips to my grandparents’ house; all played havoc with my mind’s eye. Those days of candy floss and teddy bears were reminders of that period of life. Then the introduction of pain one is faced with growing up and puberty. The ill-timed departure of loved ones remains alive in our memories and we carry the pain for the rest of our lives.
Tears are a testimony to my grief; blurring my vision and blinding many nostalgic images. Associates, partners and companions who had made an indentation in some way or the other in my life, cheated upon us, backstab us, stood by us in our good and bad times, when we mistook infatuation as love and every smiling face as a harbinger of hope, also ended.
Thus, the interlude with womanhood, marriage and childbirth and the process of bringing up children began. This insinuation of a new beginning opened new vistas. The joys of celebrations, anniversaries and graduations took over and the passion for one’s life had to be kept intact, one’s lost inquisitiveness as a child made awake, as this continuous cycle when one is hemmed in by death, disease and the lesser mayhem of the heart had to be dealt with. But the soul was vacant, unencumbered, dying to be ostentatious, but it appeared as if inside the body, just like the tenants of some house leave on a long vacation, the soul had left. Life had gotten stuck in a quagmire of routine affairs, living from one moment to the other was the prime concern. Events, matters and moments that once were a source of enjoyment had become tedious drills — the soul still restless. But one always have someone like a trusted friend or family to fall upon as an emotional crutch.
One can’t go on like this forever, accepting not all odds and overcoming at least a few is accepting life’s offerings. However torn we may be in the past, we can by sheer luck or effort get out of it as a whole — in one piece — if we make the most of our living moments, the excitement of crossing hurdles such as walking a log across a resplendent riverlet. Pain is inevitable; how we evade, succumb, deal and finally transcend it make the wheels of misfortunes turn. A point when you feel shattered, some point emerges and then the crucial choice is either to overlook and continue your existing state of misery or seize the moment, prepared to live life one more time. Transformation of the soul from the lovely to bustling, from dull to the exciting, dark to shining occurs. The hurt becomes less, the pain subdues and life begins to charm you with its various wonders, just like a magician enthrals by enchanting tricks. Nevertheless, the journey of life doesn’t change its path or focus its view on a new destination, but opens up diverse vistas for one to delve into. The darkness of the soul glows, with lights or no lights to intimidate one from the outside.
The bent spirit stands tall, crippled dreams begin to materialize and one begins to look at the big picture. The life that had shrunk begins to expand and explore new dimensions. We find ourselves and open the doors of our soul to the warm rays of today — not leaning on people to provide joys and luxuries to us but having faith in oneself. And once this quest for the self is no longer an issue, I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it. Never give up as the dry twigs left of a vanished life, whatever its fullness or glory may have been once, whenever rubbed together will surely catch fire. The fire to be alive, the flame of life has to burn, if need from both ends. The soul settles into its body.
THERE comes a point in life when an individual feels that all possibilities are rapidly getting eliminated and stagnancy is evident, spreading like an epidemic throughout one’s being.
