If it is about who is the boss of the house, the mother-in-law, being the senior one, usually claims the position
The very phrase “in-laws” may sometimes give the impression of one being in a dominating or commanding position. Father-in-law, mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, brother-in-law, sister-in-law, why not a cousin-in-law, uncle or aunty-in-law or friend-in-law? There is no legal binding to accept the various in-law relationships after one signs his/her nikahnama. The husband could also be called husband-in-law or vice versa!
Many newlyweds are warmly welcomed by their new ‘clan’ of relatives and usually enjoy parties and gatherings, though they are very closely observed by the in-laws. The most-talked about in-law relationships is the one between a mother-in-law and the wife of her son. This touchy relationship seems to be influential and instrumental in dislodging the joint-family system. Very often, we come across advertisements of two-room apartments ideal for a newly-wed couple or a couple having two small kids. Want of space does split up joint families, but most newlyweds tend to move into a house of their own to avoid confrontation and interference by the mother-in-law.
It is usually about who is to be the boss of the house, and the mother-in-law being the senior one claims the position. The young lady takes offence as she has always dreamt of having a house of her own, and if it is a joint-family system, to live and do household chores according to her own wishes. Even in matters of cooking, the mother-in-law often issues instructions which irritates the young lady. She does not like to be second-in-command, leading to ugly scenes which are enjoyed by the neighbours.
I personally know an educated lady who is very outspoken and blunt. One day, she casually informed her newly-wed daughter-in-law that she should bear in mind that she is only the wife of her son and it is because of him that she has to live in the house. She cannot be treated as her real daughter and that is a fact. She should never expect to get the love and affection her real daughter receives. The young lady was stunned to hear all this, but being educated and from an affluent family herself, and anticipating the behaviour of her mother-in-law, she calmly heard everything. There has not been a single domestic disturbance in the house since. Both the ladies mind their own affairs, neither trying to dominate or attract the special attention of the young man.
Usually, a daughter-in-law is taken as an intruder, occupier or an alien as soon as she takes off her bridal wear and make-up. The same mother-in-law who was anxiously searching of a suitable young wife for her son now feels deprived of the attention and affection once showered upon her by the son. She also is afraid of losing command over the household. Little does she realize that her mother-in-law also felt the same way many years ago. She turns for advice to neighbours and friends for a befitting counter-attack. In some cases, low protests and complaints are made to the son by both the aggrieved parties. Back home form work, many sons smell something fishy at house, but they keep silent and try to please both the wife and the mother.
Menfolk are lucky enough to spend most of their time outdoors and remain oblivious of the internal war which continues in almost 90 per cent of homes. The father-in-law keeps aloof as far as possible.
Although the bride-to-be is often lectured by parents to treat her in-laws as her parents, this is not possible as she cannot mentally accept this relationship unless she receives the same loving treatment from her in-laws.
I pray and hope that good sense prevails and both the parties show the other and the future generations to come how to create a home with tender, loving care and mutual trust.
