We, as a nation, seem to ignore the very existence of the word ‘sorry’
THERE are societies and cultures where during conversation eye-contact is considered to be rude while many others take it as a virtue, and the failure or avoidance of eye-contact while conversing is taken to be a sign of weak personality and lack of confidence.
However, a word of apology is universally considered to bridge a gap and to reduce, if not annihilate the feelings of ill-will and resentment. Like all other good things, our religion, too, preaches the same. If I have done a wrong to someone, I must apologize.
You are in a rush; you bump into somebody in the busy corridor. “Oh! Sorry about that”.
You are fumbling with your wallet at the cash counter and the cashier waiting for you: “Sorry bear with me a minute, please.”
You cut in front of a co-worker in the cafeteria: “Sorry! I didn’t realize”.
Oh! Sorry!
Oops! I apologize.
It seems that some folks will offer and toss out a ‘sorry’ or ‘I apologize’ even at the trivial things that happen in everyday life. But a lot of people cannot seem to muster up courage to utter that magical and soothing word and a genuine heartfelt apology when they ought to and when it really matters. It seems as though they are barren and morally and emotionally so bankrupt that they won’t say it even as a token of courtesy.
I grew up in a middle-class family. Though enviably highly educated, yet something was lacking ... missing. Life, in our family was supposed to be perfect and everyone was always, always right. You put up a face and never spoke about it, nobody will take notice, there won’t be any discussion or even a query. I guess yelling louder than the other person made each of us more powerful and may before ‘right’. Our spirits became more hardened and cynical. There were no regrets for what we said to others.
The paramount interest of every one of us was to prove that he or she was right about everything and all the time. So, that word sorry never dared to enter our house.
I have yet to receive an apology from my wife without me having to tell her that she owes me one. And strangely even then she yells and says, “I...I should apologize, never. I haven’t done anything wrong.” At that point it simply becomes an empty gesture, devoid of any feelings even if I do get one. All such people certainly did not get any apologies as a kid. How could they return it?
None of us is perfect. We all make mistakes and errors of judgment. That’s why the word ‘sorry’ has come to be, so we can actually use it. The attitude, ‘okay, if it’s going to be like that, so be it.’ Or ‘I couldn’t care less’, is a double-edged sword. It’s injurious, if not fatal, in human relations.
We are far from perfect and we should learn to accept it and say it when we should. In fact we should embrace it. The word sorry has far reaching effects. It blends and conveys two entirely different yet coherent meaning. Firstly, it is the acceptance of the wrong or mistake committed and asking forgiveness. Secondly by saying “I am sorry” the other person is told that his/her feelings and emotions and thoughts are equally important and valued.
It’s the acknowledgement of the feelings, valued and principles other people hold.
I can think of many moments when I vented out my anger or frustration at relations, friends and co-workers and later had to step up to say that I was sorry. In fact, it is easier to say sorry than to live with that feeling of shame and guilt because of that impulsive venting. It is actually the salvation of the relationship we have with other people, people who are just like us.
Mark Twain, the great humorist and satirist, once wrote: “When I was fifteen I so much hated my dad for ignorance of things that I did not like to stay in his company. When I was twenty-two, however, I was simply astonished how much the old man had learnt in just seven years.”
How candidly and simply he taught us the meaning of ignorance. Exactly, in the same fashion, in my twenties, like most of the young people, I thought I knew all everything. I should have apologized to so many people, but I didn’t. Those times still haunt me. May be I am just mature enough now.
It’s no way to make the mark of your life with arrogance and ‘I know all’ behaviour. The best way to lead and live life is with integrity and honesty. Every parent wishes and wants their children to grow up into good young men and women, they wish them to be good citizens, considerate to others and be able to deal appropriately with their emotions and express themselves without hurting others. Wishing is not enough. We have got to be practical. Those are the life lessons we ought to teach them though application and example.
During a general conversation once a gentleman said that he had decided never to apologize and that he will never apologize to anyone for whatever he says. “You would better take me as I am,” he emphasized, “it’s my way”. Nowadays, we come across such persons quite frequently. The only difference being probably a different way of expression. Unfortunately, all such people are missing the point. An apology is not conditioned or not necessarily about being right or wrong but about being an acknowledgement. An acknowledgement is blameless. You don’t have to take any responsibility and not necessarily an admission of guilt, and yet magically you improve your relationship.
Many people today do not own or like to own when they have wronged or hurt someone. They are adamant and arrogant, simply put, its hypocrisy. Such people probably think that ‘I am sorry’ or ‘I apologize’ would undermine their personality and might show vulnerability and weakness. On the contrary, it shows an immeasurable amount of strength of character. It shows you understand. It shows you respect others. People are always trying and spending their energy to prove that they are right thereby trying to prove that others are wrong.
Why not steal a moment from the busy life you are living, ponder about being sorry and in fact expressing it in words. No harm giving it a try. You will feel a lot better, respectable and peaceful.
