I must ‘fess up; I am of the belief that I am beyond a doubt, one of the stupidest people who have ever walked on the face of this earth, and that I dare say is based on hardcore scientific evidence which I would very much like to share with you, my dear readers, as it is customary to publish all scientific discoveries and findings!
When I say I am stupid, I mean stupid in every sense of the word and not stupid as in the garden variety of village idiots or the romantic versions of the gullible kind.
For many nights in a row, a feeling of being stupid haunted me, even in my dreams. My everyday existence became meaningless as a result of this wakefulness. One day I decided that enough was enough and I took it upon myself to prove myself wrong; get this monkey off my back.
The first thing I did was to download all the physiological tests I could lay my hands on and took them one after another. The IQ tests revealed that I am far from being stupid and the subsequent EQ (Emotional Quotient) tests came out positive as well. Yet, I was not fully convinced.
I figured that I could be suffering from some mysterious medical condition, which could have caused some cognitive disorder with a strange sounding Latin name. I have watched enough of Oprah and Donahue to know that such things do happen.
I immediately rushed to a doctor friend of mine who recommended some tests and a brain scan, since I had a great big fall when I was young. It was sheer good fortune that prevented my melon from disintegrating on the hard floor on which it had landed (no kidding). I was cocksure that the head injury I had received some thirty years ago had something to do with it; such things take time to surface. However, much to my dismay, I was given a clean bill of mental health. I felt stupid for spending all that money on those stupid tests!
That night, while I lay in my bed contemplating my next move, it struck me like a bolt of lightening: I must jot down the time, date and a brief account of the event that made me feel stupid. This technique, by the way, I had picked up from a quit-smoking session that I attended many moons ago, where we were told to document the time and circumstances when the nicotine levels go down prompting a refill. I still smoke but that is not because the model was flawed.
I made it a point to carry a pen and pocket diary to take notes everywhere I went, including the bathroom; I dared not take any chances lest I miss out on an important discovery. The notes taking went on for several days. Like all good ‘scientists’ I wanted a healthy sample. Then one night curiousity got the better of me and the reading began. I would like to share some of the highlights but not without issuing a disclaimer; not a single word form this document would be used in letter or spirit, electronically or otherwise against me, and those who are dear and near to me, including the stray cat who recently abandoned her litter in my backyard.
I would be brief and to the point as it would be fatal to lose the reader’s interest at this crucial juncture. As they say on the television before going on a commercial break, ‘there is more to come, so don’t go anywhere’.
After reading a few one liners, I came to the page that contained a rather long narrative. It started with: “Watched the news at nine and went to bed knowing that ‘ravee cheyan hee cheyan likhta hai (All is well): Wapda, road safety, law and order situation, forex reserves. Pakistan stood tall in international community, thanks to our fearless leader.
Next morning: No electricity, therefore no water, the bottled water came in handy.
ON THE ROAD: Barely managed to avoid being run over by a speeding school bus and dodged just in time a definite collision with a Qinji (motorcycle rickshaw)
Office: The newspaper reported: a bus being overrun by a train, fives dacoities, three armed robberies, and a bomb blast in Quetta, petrol prices are up 60 paisa a liter, and 48 per cent of Europeans consider Pakistan to be a real threat to the world peace; all in one night!
Summoned by the boss: Did I know about the bomb blast in Quetta? I shook my head. The buyers have cancelled their orders, I am told. No Eid bonus this year for everyone, including me. I am instructed to issue an office order. All my colleagues avoided me for the rest of the day.
Back home: Told my son that local bicycle is as good as the BMX that the neighbour’s son owned. He believed me and thanked me for getting him one. Switched to HBO and everything good, switched off around me.
Iftar time (the day after): In the company of my friends. The conversation drifted from weather to kids. I am admonished for sending my kid to a kothi school; I should have sent him to Atchison like they all did. A friend of a friend confided that he was not worried about losing his job. He had enough savings to run the kitchen, and two plots in Defence, including one that was gifted to him for his meritorious services. (Ah, but I served a Seth meritoriously for seven years, but all I got in the end was an unfavourable recommendation for being more ‘loyal than the king’). The gentleman mentioned about a house that he would soon be coming in his possession, but that did not count since everyone else would be getting it. What about me? (I got a life insurance: 400K if I was to make it and 1.2 million if I didn’t; does that count?)
Few days later in the office: Prepared an itinerary for the Eid holidays. Decided to go to my colleague’s cubicle to bid him Eid Mubarak; overheard my colleagues talking about me. I was declared an atheist since I don’t Fast and was never seen at the Friday prayers. They were also of the view that I was hands in gloves with the Seth in devouring their bonus. That must be the karapt (corrupt) side of my personality, it was believed. (I always thought that in order to be karapt one must have at least one of the following: money, station, land, power, and right connections. Not simply because I have been bestowed with the ‘power’ to issue an office order?).
I read the journal over and over again and could not find a single instance where I had acted stupidly or said anything stupid. My belief system may not be in sync with the various systems in vogue, but that does not make me stupid. I believe what I hear, do what I am told, say what I do, and do what I say, why then I feel stupid? I postponed the inquisition for another day, and instead of retreating to the make-believe world of HBO, I went straight to bed, as Conrad’s words echoing in my mind that all a man can betray is his conscience; I knew I was not guilty of that!
I must ‘fess up; I am of the belief that I am beyond a doubt, one of the stupidest people who have ever walked on the face of this earth, and that I dare say is based on hardcore scientific evidence which I would very much like to share with you, my dear readers, as it is customary to publish all scientific discoveries and findings!
