“Reports that say that something hasn’t happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are somethings we do not know. The ones we don’t know we don’t know.” — Donald Rumsfeld

THE great war monger and war lover, Monsieur Donald Rumsfeld, did not surprise many when he recently won the foot-in-mouth prize for bad English in London on the above obtuse statement. One feels good that at least he was victorious at something, if not at the war in Iraq. When the white man is humbled at his own game, we feel greatly overjoyed (cricket is a case in point).

While our own English is awful, Mr Rumsfeld has given us heart. Not taking anything from Donald, one is at a loss to understand how George Bush failed to win the competition when his English is also so limited in scope and rich in the free spirit of inventiveness. However, we now know that Rumsfeld is the worse of the two, as he had his foot in his mouth when he traversed on the philosophical journey of the known and the unknown.

It will be engrossing to imagine how Rumsfeld would have fared in other fields with his limited command over his mother tongue and vocabulary, and an even more restricted capacity to think clear. Had he been an astronomer, he would have been an unmitigated disaster while explaining simple facts of the cosmos through his convoluted thinking, as shown in the following imaginary TV interview. Get ready to be shocked and awed.

INTERVIEWER: Mr Rumsfeld, can you explain the movement of earth? Please reply in convenient English that could be understood by the English-speaking civilized world.

RUMSFELD (THE ASTRONO-MER): Yes, why not. Because I know that I know. Actually George Bush has a father who is also known as George Bush for some strange reason. He was the first to discover that I need to know when I was the young bully wreaking havoc over fellow students. He explained this to me. The Earth twists on and on on its axle (read axis) 24 times in a day, or is it once in 24 days. It is really immaterial as long as the twist is there. This motion sustains it, otherwise it will fall flat on the ground. Its gravitational attraction makes the Moon interested, but due to the Earth’s heavy atmosphere consisting of chlrofluorocarbon, it is kept at a distance. Observing this flirtatious behaviour between the Earth and the Moon, our George Washington uttered these immortal lines: ‘Matches are made in Heaven’.

INT: Do you think time travel is a possibility?

DR: Yes. I have read Frankenstein and have myself experimented with the Special theory of Relativity. I told my wife to drive away from me as fast as the pedal permits. I would be stationary and she would be on the move. Then, we will compare our watches on her return. Believe me, since that day, my watch is ticking faster because after that day, my wife often calls me from Denver and tells me it is not time yet. When she will return, she will still be young as her clock is slow, as explained in my school textbook. Bingo! Next time I would like to drive that car. That is crudely the Special Theory’s gist.

INT: While America revises its science textbooks after your enlightenment, please explain what is a Black Hole?

DR: This is a state secret and they are known unknowns for many Americans. All I can say is that it is the codename the American troops have given to Iraq. However, in scientific terms, a Black Hole is a geographical area which sucks. Every damn thing, including light and darkness, is pulled down inside. They are visible from the Earth with a microscope, sorry stethoscope, at the time of solar and lunar eclipses when the Sun and the Moon hit upon Black Holes. Bush also calls me a ‘hole’ each time CNN reports the killing of an American soldier. But that’s not quite black, you know.

INT: What is American reach?

DR: An American’s reach is unlimited. That’s what my wife told me on the first night. Look at me. My teachers gave me know scope but I became an astrologist...oops, astronomer. I have great faith in the American nation. I assure you we will be the first to land on the Sun. I will be the first NASA volunteer. A lot of people tell me to be bold enough to do just that on priority. To hell with it.

INT: What is your message to the American people?

DR: It is simple. Keep pushing hard. No matter what your inner conscience says, listen only to your tongue. Because it tells the truth. I am very religious and I have faith that God made this world for the Americans to invade and hoist their flag in all nooks. Do not spare celestial bodies. The Moon we have conquered. The Sun’s turn will come soon. After that, Plato.

So, Mr Donald Rumsfeld would have proven in any role assigned in the world that his brain is fine, and fine has different meanings. Unfortunately for him, they are all known knowns. I invite Rumsfeld to Pakistan to meet various people. I am sure there are many who unwittingly speak his language and will make him proud.