Here’s a priceless tip for President Musharraf: how about carrying his Pekinese with him to Camp David? Seriously, the dog will win more gold stars than the factotums accompanying him
The invitation for President Musharraf to Camp David must please him immensely. Except it’s not over a weekend, which means, the two presidents will not go jogging — (so shoulder-to-shoulder networking is out). POTUS (President Of The United States) rather fancies running around in his jogging shots with a breathless (and steamy) press in tow, but lucky for POP (President Of Pakistan), he would not need FLOP (First Lady Of Pakistan) to go shopping for hubby’s designer jogging gear. It won’t be needed anymore.
Well, let’s hope POP and FLOP get upgraded to the presidential Crawford ranch in Texas on their next visit here. Then, apart from a banter on the jogging track, POTUS can drive POP around in his white truck and the two can don cowboy hats and boots, while FLOTUS (First Lady Of The United States) can read stories to Madame Musharraf (Laura gets quite a kick out of that) and Sehba in turn can spin yarns of female literacy back home.
Moms and pets are two talking points that can be instant ice-breakers! If discussions on Kashmir and cross-border terrorism begin to sputter, turning to Barney for a change of subject can win back Bush’s flagging attention. Bush and Barney go together. How so? Well, George Dubya is always seen descending or ascending the presidential helicopter with the Scottish terrier in his arms and Laura a few steps behind.
Here’s a priceless tip for President Musharraf: how about carrying his Pekinese with him to Camp David? Seriously, the dog will win more gold stars than the factotums accompanying Musharraf.
And taking mom along may prove to be the best thing ever. She can hook up with Barbara Bush and the two can pretty up the picture by regaling their presidential sons of their heroism, while Laura and Sehba can have a heart-to-heart on controlling mothers-in-law.
Hmmm... exciting stuff.
“Know before you go” is what the weather channel in the US drums into us. June 24 — Musharraf’s day at Camp David therefore needs to be carefully pencilled in for weather forecast by his hobbits who can surely get the temperature right and advise their boss what to pack for Camp David. For the First Lady, it’s a no-brainer. For power dressing, she can wear a striking red outfit (the preferred colour of American women) and that should do the trick. It’s POP, we worry for.
The hardline mullahs have given him until August 14 to mothball his army uniform and morph into a civilian or else... What?
Wait till Musharraf — described by an Indian columnist as a “dog-loving nattily uniformed general” — returns from Camp David loaded with lollies from Dubya with love to silence the beards back home! They’ll turn up with tails between their legs. Erring on the other side of grandiosity, Foreign Secretary Riaz Khokhar, gloated to the media, that the “Americans were working on some sort of a package. They haven’t spelt out its clinical details but have implied to us that it will be worthwhile.”
But the sixty-four dollar question is, what should POP wear for the photo-op with POTUS? Never mind the military gear — that can be easily left behind for the batman to press and put away. And certainly not the safari suits so popular with our Pakistani men. The Philistine Americans have no taste in dress nor the aesthetics for good grooming, they are quite capable of mistaking the safari suits for night suits! So stay away from them, please.
The ‘roughhewn Texas cowboy’ hosting Musharraf likes wearing a dark suit with a buttoned down white shirt and a bright red tie for all occasions formal. As alumnus of Harvard Business School, Bush follows the dress code set by the snobbishly elitist school. “Never wear a pale coloured tie,” a spouse of the old boys club tells me. “It means you’re too weak.”
Well, she should know because her CEO husband — who too is never seen without a white shirt and red tie — is a towering success in the world of business.
“If you wear a tie with a design, you’re giving a confused signal”, she continues, “it means you are not too sure of yourself... and never, never wear a busy design — that’s dumb, it shows your interlocutor that you are too flashy to be taken seriously.”
To appear a study in status crazed casualness is considered hip in America. Musharraf would need to throw in khaki slacks and some tee shirts — and here we go again about the colour — men in US mostly prefer wearing a white tee shirt. So, the more the whites in his travelling wardrobe, the better for Pakistan.
Why?
We Pakistanis have no idea how critical it is to be dressed to win, not dressed to kill as most of us are wont to do. The better dressed our leader, the more Pakistan stands to gain financially!
Moving on to the small matter of hair tint — jet black is definitely out. It took Bush many columns of derision on his hair dye, to hit the right colour formula. The presidential colourist finally managed to make Bush look not like a wax dummy but a maturing man with grey to boot. POP may need to consult the presidential barber with FLOP at his side to decide what colour would go with his complexion and the red (remember) tie! But no peeping grey roots that have been seen in his photos please.
Laura and Sehba need not worry if they are having a bad hair day — the cameras will hardly point to them.
For the sake of uniformity, it may be delicately suggested to Foreign Minister Kursheed Kasuri to take it easy on his three piece suits that he’s so fond of wearing. Dressing down may be a good idea for overall peace and harmony. And also, if he can take some tips from the presidential barber with regard to the hair pouf, things for Pakistan are bound to look up then.
Shaukat Aziz, the Finance Minister, is just fine. Urbane and cool, perhaps he should play down the dude — it will be good for Pakistan and he may get the loan write off that he’s so desperately wanting from America. He may shore up a five-year economic package!
Ambassador Ashraf Jehangir Qazi would do okay at Camp David. He’s a seasoned diplomat — dignified and dour. But, should our envoy to the UN, Ambassador Munir Akram be a part of the troupe, then, maybe, he needs to cut down on the hair gel.
As for the hacks turning up with Musharraf — they should calibrate their questions and not fledgling-like ask silly stuff on Kashmir. Instead, crisp and pointed volleys may surprise Bush enough to give us some brownie points. The Information Ministry mandarins need to do a lot of tweaking, instead of packing their favourite and often worthless reporters with Musharraf.
Charlie Rose — the last word in interviewing makes each interview an affair to remember. When I met him recently at a dinner, I walked up to him and unabashedly told him: “Charlie, you are even more handsome in real life than on TV!”
He blushed and said, “I am going to be interviewing President Musharraf. Tell me about him,” said the TV icon of Channel 13.
What I told Charlie remains between him and me.
But fear not, Musharraf’s visit should pan out well with America predictably bankrolling Pakistan. Not bad, eh?
Here’s a priceless tip for President Musharraf: how about carrying his Pekinese with him to Camp David? Seriously, the dog will win more gold stars than the factotums accompanying him 
