THE father was sitting in the centre of the large courtyard, surrounded by people of various age groups. They had gathered there to offer prayers for the departed soul of his 12-year-old girl who died due to blood cancer.
She was the darling of the whole village, and despite coming from traditional Baluchi family, she was like a tomboy, playing cricket with boys. She died within a few weeks of being diagnosed with cancer. When her parents found out about her illness, they were shattered and they had no courage to tell her but she realized it. She was a courageous young girl who was smiling and laughing till the very end. Her death greatly saddened her family, but they were overwhelmed by the way people from all walks of life poured in to condole the bereaved family. They found some solace in it.
People of the village arranged food and tea for the hundreds of mourners. This is the way people share the sorrows of their friends, comrades, neighbours and colleagues. It is customary of people to condole with those who lose their dear ones. People tend to forget minor or major differences of even their adversaries when some tragic event occurs.
However, there are a few who refuse to condole. A prominent spiritual leader condoled with the son of his political opponent after 20 years of the person’s death. He went to his house and offered fateha for the departed soul. It was done in a tribal tradition. Because the son was in exile and the leader was not allowed to offer condolence to women under his religious doctrine, he waited for 20 years. And the same man is so strict in his principles that he declined to condole with a man whose father was on the prosecution side when his own father was tried in a treason case. Some people are unforgiving even in matters of death.
Generally, people remember those who supported and were with them when they were in dire straits. The tribal Sindhi, Balouchis and Pakhtoons make it a point to visit and condole bereaved families. They tend to preferably participate in funerals, namaz-i-janaza of the departed soul, attend the soyem and then chehlum. Usually, people sit with male members of deceased family for hours. Traditional tribal families earmark large open spaces to facilitate mourners. Some people make arrangements for mourners to gather in a hall for prayer and condolence. At such gatherings, people recite the Holy Quran, pray and some would talk endlessly about the good qualities of the departed ones.
Normally for three days, people would gather to provide solace. Among some tribal families, elderly ladies stay with mourners for 40 days. Even among others it is customary that old people tend to stay with bereaved families. It is a way of helping and consoling.
A major problem arises when a young married man dies. If there were no children of the man who died, some older men and widowers may offer their hands in marriage to the widow after the mourning period is over. A young widow has the most difficult time and there are many who refuse to marry after they have lost their husbands and prefer to bring up their children alone. Among traditional families it is a custom to force a widow to marry their brother-in-law. Seldom can these widows refuse. A postgraduate lady in Karachi proudly brought up her two boys and a girl single-handedly. All three are perusing their careers now. But the lonely mother had to face the wrath of her in-laws who wanted her to marry the younger brother of her husband. She refused and left her husband’s house and pursued her own career and life with her children.
Another lady from Abbotabad was not so fortunate. When her husband died young, her in-laws wanted her to accept his cousin as a husband. She, however, declined since she had four young children. Now she is at the mercy of her in-laws who merely provide subsistence to her children and she barely survives on their money as her own family in Lahore asked her not to burden them with her problems.
The society creates a lot of problems for young widows, specially if she tries to become independent by taking up a job. A young widow abandoned her job in a major bank hardly after few months because her in-charge, a father of three married daughters, offered to provide security of life to her as her husband. She never went back there after that. It is difficult for young and middle-aged ladies to cope with the harsh realities of life after the death of their husbands.
