THERE is deviltry afoot in my neighbourhood. Well, let’s call it the distant neighbourhood. That is, if you go down the road from my house and take the third lane on the left and then the second lane on the right and come out on to the main road and take a left from the roundabout and drive for ten minutes and after turning left and driving on for another ten minutes turn right, you’ll see a yellow brick house with very high walls. Yes, that’s the one!
The inmates of the house are known to me. In fact, at one time I was very friendly with the lady of the house. She belongs to the horticulture society. I was introduced to her through a mutual friend and we used to discuss plant care and how to grow Orchids and tuberoses in the garden. I personally love the prickly cacti variety and grow lots of them in my back garden but had strictly advised her against planting those because they could get dangerous for visitors if let to grow wild. And in case of domestic conflicts, cacti have been used as weapons of destruction by being hurled at the opponent!
But for sometime now, I have had a growing suspicion that not all is at peace within the household. The husband talks little except for agreeing to everything meekly with his wife. The children appear to be in constant dread of the lady who, come to think of it, is pretty belligerent in her attitude towards her neighbours as well.
Coming back to the issue, as to why I suspect there is covert movement now taking place in that very house to which I have lent many a new plant ‘bulb’, well, for one, they have raised their walls to an extremely suspicious height. So high that nothing of the garden can be seen even if one tries to lean over on tip toe against the boundary wall. Secondly, when a mutual friend visited their house there was a lot of ‘digging’ going on in their garden and there was a fleet of suspicious looking people doing that. Enough grounds for suspicion, I say.
I am now convinced that my ‘friends of yore’ are prime suspects for ‘potential’ terrorist activity and based on the ‘vital’ information from my informants I am certain that they may be burying ammunition in their garden in the form of cacti and poison ivy!
Some trucks with heavy cargo (concealed) were also seen entering their house in the dead of night. What more proof does anyone need?
Well, that’s it. I will take a page out of Mr Bush’s book and follow his noble lead. I too will be declared the greatest liberator to happen to the neighbourhood (amendment: the area a little outside my neighbourhood). My noble thoughts now prod me to raid the offensive house and disarm the tyrant lady. It is becoming an obsession to unshackle the poor souls suppressed by years of oppressive rule of the lady of the house. More so from the day she sent me fried fish with chips sprinkled on them and I almost met my death choking on a chip with sharp edges!
That’s when her nefarious designs were brought home to me and I now believe that the time has come for me to mobilize all of mine and my husband’s contacts in the forces and police to search their house for dangerous goods. Their presence (the goods) is jeopardizing the friendly and peaceful neighbourhood around that despicable lady’s house, who is a tyrant, not only for the people of her house but also the surrounding houses. I will gladly perform this noble task, even if it means many sleepless nights for my family and myself!
And once the tyrant lady of the house is arrested/convicted, it would give me such great pleasure to lend my rehabilitating service to her family, who I am positive hate her. They will definitely welcome my support to restore the harmony in their oppressive household.
Tonight, the offensive will be launched. It took me so many days to convince my husband that what I am planning is for the betterment of the neighbourhood — so what if it isn’t our neighbourhood — imagine the blessings we’ll get from so many hopeless people of that area?
So he has now joined hands with me in my mission of liberation (albeit with certain arm twisting tactics ... but well, they were necessary) and has asked (begged?) his ‘police’ friends to co-operate. In a matter of few hours they will be sending a couple of mobiles to raid the house and capture the resident tyrant on, ‘alleged charges of suspected movement to amass apparently dangerous material likely to harm certain persons if they happen to be in the vicinity when/if the unlikely conflict is launched as it will probably disrupt peace in the region!’
That was five days ago. Now, I am in deep trouble. Well, here’s what happened. The police force manning the mobiles did not enter into my sentiments whole-heartedly, and hence, instead of a surprise attack (the buffoons!) they rang the bell! So what happened was destined to happen! It was 3:00am and the ferocious Doberman began barking incessantly. The wimpy policeman ran behind the mobile rather than shooting the dog down and marching in with his troops. The barking roused the tyrant lady and out came her husband armed with an air gun — mostly used for shooting rats and lizards — pointing it at the weaklings standing around the mobile vans. See, now there’s a potential weapon of mass destruction (aha! I was right!).
Mistaking the air gun for a shot gun the Inspector too started barking commands from the mike for the man to, ‘put down his weapon’. And what with the dog’s barking, the Inspector’s barking and the tyrant lady’s barking it was mayhem. This roused the people of the neighbourhood, where unfortunately, a Justice of the High Court resides. He came out threatening everybody with dire consequences for disturbing his sleep.
It is obvious (to me) that during this commotion the tyrant lady had managed to camouflage her weaponry and by the time the commotion died down and the police could search the house and garden, nothing could be discovered except a lot of cow dung in the dug area of the garden (which stuck to the officers’ boots) and plain mud. And the ungrateful inmates of the house and the neighbourhood ... for whom I had risked my self and my supporters’ reputation and sleep ... were first astonished at the reasons for the night’s disruption and then downright abusive of my ‘noble’ intentions.
Well, I still believe in my splendid notions of restoring peace and harmony wherever I find it threatened. Even if it means sacrificing the serenity of the region by creating a bit of noise pollution; killing of a few dogs and sleepless nights for all concerned. It is the general good that matters and one day the people will be glad that they have me in our part of town to keep restoring peace and removing danger of all kinds.
Some of my friends dare to say that I am losing reason and should see a psychiatrist, but what do they know? Wasn’t I the one who ran a successful campaign in the Khandratistan area in Karachi’s North District and rid them of the fanatical man who wouldn’t take a bath for months and was pervading the area with the foulest smell imaginable?
All it needed was bulldozing of a few katchi abadis and shaky school buildings and the man had to run for his life as he had no wall left to hide behind. At least he doesn’t live there anymore and is spreading the smell elsewhere!
I will always follow my heart which tells me to go on relentlessly and the time has come for my friends to decide whether they are with me or against me in this self-less drive for cleansing the neighbourhood of all wicked elements.
