Fouzia is more than a picture-perfect woman. With a PhD from the US, Fouzia is an educationist, social worker and writer. She is attractive, soft-spoken and active in the performing arts. I asked her how come she is still single, as surely there was no shortage of eligible bachelors vying for her attention. Smiling sweetly, she replied, “I don’t want to get into that mess!”
Fouzia is not an exception among today’s generation of Pakistani women. Salma is an executive in a multinational and has no dearth of male admirers. Yet, she is happy leading a single life. Salma firmly states that she will not get married until she finds ‘Mr Right’.
While in the West, the choice of staying single is accepted, it is still unwelcome in Pakistan. One has to admire these women’s courage to face the world single.
Sheema Kermani, feminist, classical dancer, head of Tehrik-i-Niswan, thoughtfully reflected on this problem: “The institution of marriage is itself very difficult and unnatural, specially for women who go through ‘arranged marriages’. The predetermined roles assigned after marriage by society are no longer valid as Pakistani women have advanced far more than men. The latter may create an aura of being strong and professional, but in reality they are emotionally backward and insecure. They may appear modern, but are quite conservative. Their attitude towards marriage is warped. On the one hand, they want their wives to be educated and glamorous; on the other they want them to be totally dependent on them. Even men married to professional and successful women are not prepared to share housework or parenting. Insecurity leads men to be jealous and possessive.” Sheema emphasizes that women want a happy marriage rather than a bonded one.
Fahmida Riaz, famous poet and writer, traced the problem to the historical inequities and injustices to women. “Most societies have given an inferior position to women. Many women accept this and are comfortable with it. But now, women are challenging this status. Men are finding it much more difficult to cope with independent-minded women.” Fahmida feels that today’s women are aware of their rights. They are demanding equality and respect. Women now enjoy a social status even without marriage.
Sarwat Sultana, Public Relations Officer, KESC, says: “The educational level of women has risen dramatically. Educated women end up marrying less-educated men. Such men feel threatened by these women and try to put them down.” She talked about the taboo against unmarried women. “Today’s women want to pursue their interests and careers as well,” concludes Ms Sultana.
Talking about the emotional reasons underlying the issue, Dr Haroon Ahmed said, “There are not many places where boys and girls can freely meet and explore the possibility of a relationship. There is some interaction between them at mehndi and marriage ceremonies. They have little social life.” In Dr Haroon’s assessment, “For the past many years, girls have been consistently outperforming boys at all levels of examinations. Educated women cannot remain mere commodities to be married to whomever without their own choosing. They refuse to accept a life of suffering with husbands not to their liking. Education and careers have given women new confidence. They are exposed to new ideas. Some marriages have broken down simply on the basis of the pursuit of individual careers.”
Dr Unaiza Niaz, well known-psychologist and head of the Stress Research Centre, spoke on failed relationships: “The basis of harmony in life is success and fulfilment. Disharmony comes from insecurity and self-doubt. Truly happy people tend to be modest, soft-spoken and resilient. Emotional intelligence is more essential — it depicts depth in a person. Personality strengths do not mean being world-wise and successful. Strengths are reflected in maintaining a balance in life. No two people are alike, more so men and women. We have our space. When this is threatened, chaos and disorder takes over.”
Dr Unaiza’s analysis: “Women are primarily creative. Doll-making, ceramic and porcelain, sense of colours and embroidery are only a few of their creations. Women have an eye for the artistic and the aesthetic. When women became professionals, they felt equal and started emulating men; becoming loud, crude, aggressive — the ‘hockey stick’ personality. Then they became feminists, not afraid to express themselves. It’s been an uphill battle for women. Highly-qualified women have not found acceptance at work. Women end up burning the candle at both ends.”
Dr Unaiza advises men: “Appreciate the woman’s juggling and balancing role.” And women: “If the men are reasonable, mould them and make them your best friends. Women have to play an active and positive role.”
Today’s generation, however, may not entirely agree. A young entrepreneur, Omair Lodhi has studied in England and the US. He thinks that something is wrong with today’s women. “Their priorities are not in order. Being ambitious is good, but they are over-ambitious. Ambition is what you can realistically achieve. In life, every endeavour should not be to prove a point.” Omair believes: “There is a woman for every man and a man for every woman. A woman should not let her opportunity pass by. Men understand women’s traditional role. But women working and taking good jobs is hard for men to digest. Women have to realize that most men work under great pressure. It’s good for women to be professional, but women should also be able to fulfil their responsibilities towards their homes and children.”
Tahira Saleem, an art student, maintains: “No matter what women — beautiful, intelligent, educated — think about men — conservative, old-fashioned and even dumb — women cannot live without men!”
Shahid Rissam has studied art in London and Paris. He loves literature and started off by quoting Zehra Nigah:
Aurat kay khuda do hain haqeeqi aur majazi
Pur iss kay liye koi bhi achha nahin hota (Woman has been blessed with two gods, one heavenly, one worldly; But none have brought her any bliss).
Shahid asserts: “In the past, marriages were successful because of understanding and tolerance. ‘Happiness depends on what you give and not what you get’, Mahatma Gandhi said. This philosophy of giving is over. All marriages cannot be idealistic.” As to his own marriage: “I am against the tradition that men should marry younger women. I want someone to share my ideas. One who would point out my weaknesses and my mistakes.” He mentioned Pleasure of Philosophy. “This masterpiece was possible because of the author’s wife. Will Durant, a professor at Cambridge University, London, married one of his students, quit his job and went on a world trip to explore life. His wife shared his passion. Shahid cited Nobel laureate, John Nash’s deep struggle while pursuing his marvellous work. He was schizophrenic. His wife took care of him and helped him. Shahid sums up: “A woman has the magic to change the world, leave alone a man.”
Adnan Jaffar, with a Masters degree from the US, sounded more feminist: “Men haven’t come to terms with the reality that professional women are as good or even better than men. They haven’t broken out of the mindset of dominance. It doesn’t matter how tahzeeb wala banda hai (how cultured a guy is), he is still sexist.” Adnan shocks by confessing: “I am such a man! Consciously, I try to break out of this mould. In the presence of women, I am politically correct. I don’t make them uncomfortable. But deep down, I am like most Pakistani men.” He thinks marriage is the only way out for most Pakistanis. When a man talks about his sexual frustrations, his friends advise him, ‘To yaar shadi kiyon nahi kar latey?’ (Why don’t you get married). As for his future partner: “First, I will gauge her views, her ideas. If we share similar interests, then I will get serious. Just knowing a girl is not enough. In our social milieu, most romances begin with mere social contact between a guy and a girl. This is a sign that we are immature and not grown up to enjoy healthy and stable relationships.
Fouzia is more than a picture-perfect woman. With a PhD from the US, Fouzia is an educationist, social worker and writer. She is attractive, soft-spoken and active in the performing arts. I asked her how come she is still single, as surely there was no shortage of eligible bachelors vying for her attention. Smiling sweetly, she replied, “I don’t want to get into that mess!”
